I win!

‘Official’ Engagement Photos

2012-02-09T11:17:00.001-08:00

Joshua and Evy are beginning to plan for their September 1 wedding. While we still wait to see how the plans and ideas will all come together, we do get to enjoy these great photos of them. I LOVE that they had them taken at one of Dean and my favorite Seattle viewpoints---one that we used to go to often when we were their age (or younger!)

You can’t look at these pictures and not see how much they enjoy being with each other. That makes me happy.

Things to NOT say at work.

2012-02-07T11:12:00.000-08:00

As I have discussed before, I have two work environments. Job #1 I have had for many, many, many years. This job involves managing a small office with an interesting cast of characters. Job #2 currently involves doing bookkeeping for the church that we attend (I was also doing secretarial work, but I have been on a leave of absence for my foot surgery). Both environments have their pluses and their minuses. I need to be clear that this entry is about an incident at job #1.

I arrived at work this morning (job #1) and was greeted by my co-worker who told me she had something to share. She informed me that this was going to fall under the category of ‘I had to hear it, so you have to hear it too, it is only fair’. Oh boy, these kinds of things are NEVER good. She proceeded to tell me that yesterday bossman #1 (which would be the one that signs my paychecks—or more accurately the one whose signature I forge on my paychecks—who is not to be confused with bossman #2 who shares office space but who has no input on said paycheck) had shared some wonderful information with her. It seems that bossman #1 was talking with her and our other long suffering employee about his recent illness. It seems he went into vivid detail (and when I say ‘vivid’ I mean that while launching into a verbal discourse, he added physical actions to the dissertation). I should back up say that recently he and his wife had flown to Palm Springs so that he could attend a conference. A friend of his wife’s had joined them and the 3 of them shared a hotel room (ok, I know that IS weird for people that are in their 60s and financial solvent). While they were there, he became violently ill and ended up in the hospital for a few days. Back to the story…

ANYWAY, he informed my 2 office-mates that unfortunately for their friend, she got to seem him in all his naked glory as he crawled across the hotel room floor in an attempt to reach the bathroom before bodily fluids were forcefully emitted from all parts (have you seen ‘Bridesmaids’??---think ‘VOLCANO!’). When they asked him why he had no clothes on, he informed them ‘oh I always sleep in the nude, if I had put the robe on, I would have puked on it’. Uh-huh, of course! Even when you and your wife and your wife’s friend are too cheap to each get your own hotel you decide it is still ok to wear NOTHING, and then you make matters even more awkward (revolting????) by crawling around nude on said hotel room floor AND THEN by telling your employees about it????? I think I may have to insist that my 2 office-mates are given a paid day off so they can recover from the horror.

And this my friends is yet another example of something you don’t say at the office.

It is a new year.

2012-01-05T11:14:00.001-08:00

I know I am a few days behind with this. Normally people acknowledge that it is a new year on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day. Me, I’m just a little behind. I am mainly behind because I was not sure how to sum up 2011 or look ahead to 2012. So many thoughts and emotions, disappointments and hopes.

When I look back at 2011, I see the highs and lows. Highs of course always seem to relate to kids. Thankful that our oldest, Joshua is so happy with the life path that he is currently on. Excited to see our oldest daughter Kirsten start college and adjust to her new surroundings and friends well. Pleased and relieved to see our youngest daughter, Annika start high school with almost no drama. Thrilled to see her at long last falling in with a group of friends that recognize the good in her and value her for all that she is. Another high is also our marriage. Sure we get annoyed with each other, but knowing that we can still make each other laugh, not just sometimes, but frequently, makes the annoyances go away. Time spent with those friends we consider our ‘chosen family’. All highs.

Then I sum up the lows and disappointments of 2011. As we closed the book on 2011, we are still in our house. Months of emotional debate about should we or shouldn’t we try to sell the house, putting the sign in the yard and then having no response…disappointing. Hoping, scheming, planning for what will happen next, only to end the year in the same spot was disappointing. Wishing that we could be in closer proximity to those that we connect with, those that we cherish and that cherish us. Instead, we remain in the same spot, often with feelings of intense loneliness that make your chest hurt. Working at and attending a church whose motto is ‘where love is lived’ , yet on most encounters walking away with feelings of anything but love. I acknowledge that there are exceptions—a handful of people that you are able to genuinely and honestly engage with and that you value immensely. Unfortunately, most weeks those encounters are increasingly outnumbered by the countless hours of discussion, meetings, and engagement with others that leave you stressed, frustrated , exasperated and hopeless. Watching dear friends (who feel more like our parents than our own parents) be repeatedly hurt, misjudged, disrespected, scrutinized and de-valued because of their own admitted flaws and imperfections. People who once greeted me with a smile and a kind word, now turning their backs, averting their eyes, but why? I’m still me…I haven’t changed, so I conclude that it must be because our view of who our dear friends are, differs from their view. Lows. Lows. Lows.

So we look ahead to what will happen in 2012. The obvious. Joshua will graduate from college, move out and get married. All of this promises to be a ‘high’. The girls will continue to learn and grow in who they are. Highs. We will once again put the house on the market, only this time with a lower price and pray HARDER that it sells so we can open up options, and a fresh financial start. Decisions about when to put ourselves and our needs first, even if that might mean disappointing others. Decisions implemented regarding schooling, jobs, housing, travel, finances. We hope all of these things lead to more highs than lows for 2012.

Happy New Year!

It was a good Christmas!

2011-12-26T11:46:00.000-08:00

One of Kirsten's 'arty' Christmas pics

Christmas 2011 is now officially over. It was a good Christmas, but it felt different somehow. It could be because of the weather. It wasn't particularly cold, there was definitely NO snow, maybe that was it. We didn't go to Seattle (sadly all my cousins are busy with their own families these days, but I SO miss the years when we would always be together on Christmas). We had the Christmas Eve gathering with the Haans. Not everyone was able to be there, so it was a smaller group, maybe that was it? Maybe it was because I was hobbling around on my scooter, unable to stand on both feet?? I'm not sure, but it did feel different. Not different bad, just different.

This year has been a tough one for us financially, so I was a little concerned that the kids might be disappointed with the smaller offerings left under the tree. I shouldn't have worried. They were all excited with what 'Santa' had left for them! I'm slowly learning that the kids don't expect it, instead it is what we hope/expect to do for them that needs to be adjusted. I find myself often falling into the trap of wanting to overcompensate with my own kids--again not something they expect AT ALL, just something I want to do. I grew up in a household where you were always VERY keenly aware of the household financial issues. I have vowed many, many times that my own kids would be aware that there was a finite amount of resources, but I never wanted them to feel the stress and strains of the financial crisis that I felt growing up. Growing up in a household where you think you might be homeless at any moment is not good for instilling security. I didn't want to do that to my own kids.

So while it felt different this year, it was still a very good Christmas. The kids are happy, Dean and I are happy together, and we are all healthy (well relatively speaking--my body is a bit broken, but that is somewhat fixable). Joshua is excited to be getting married next year, Kirsten loves college, Annika is enjoying her life. Yup, not so bad. Next year at this time, we will be doing who knows what and starting new traditions. Maybe why that is why this year felt different. It is the last year that it will be just the 5 of us.

Here are some pictures from our weekend. Enjoy!

Joshua decided that even though we started opening gifts at 2:00 pm he would normally open gifts in his pjs, sooooo, he changed out of his clothes, and donned his new robe and pj pants for the rest of the day.

Yay! My Harry Potter DVD collection is complete!

WHAH??? You mean Kirsten and I got Josh a 'Goats in Trees' Calendar and Josh got ME a 'Goats in Trees' Calendar???

Dean and I almost went out and got Kirsten one...

Isn't she cute??

Merry Christmas!

2011-12-25T19:10:00.000-08:00

We're going to have a wedding!

2011-12-23T17:57:00.000-08:00

At the kick-off of this holiday season, we were given some news. Our oldest, Joshua and his girlfriend Evy told us that they had set a wedding date and were planning to get married September 1, 2012. I phrase it this way because when questioned by Nadya, (Evy’s delightful Russian mother who is a spitfire) if she could say that they were ‘engaged’ Josh replied ‘No’, he needed to propose yet. I know, I know, whah????

See, these two are a little unconventional in some (most) traditional realms and we love them for it. Josh informed us that he was not going to be purchasing Evy an engagement ring because: a) she said she didn’t want and/or need one b) it cost money they don’t really have and c) they know they are getting married, why do they need an engagement ring to show to everyone else–a wedding band should cover it right? So we proceed with the ‘engagement’, although I am informed today that he still needs to actually propose, he is working on that. He did inform me that he did speak to Nadya and acquired her permission for this whole proposal thing (again, should you have done that BEFORE you told her you had a date set to marry her daughter??). Anywhoooo, I am learning in yet another way that my oldest is far from conventional. Honestly, it makes me laugh. However, his lack of ‘proper’ order is stressing out his oldest younger sister who can’t quite figure out WHAT they are doing.

The wedding plans? Well, I am sure those will be unique as well. If it was one of our daughters, I would already have most of it figured out in my mind. Mainly because over the years, when the girls and I have discussed weddings, we have always talked about our likes/dislikes and what we would like to do/not to do at such time as they each get married. This one though??? I have NO idea how to proceed with this event. All I have to go on is that the ultimate desire of the bride and groom is a ‘picnic in the park’. I’ve heard ‘baked potatos’, I’ve heard ‘potluck’, but honestly it is much too early to have details at this point. I have told Joshua that I will try my hardest to not become a pain in his and Evy’s butts during this planning process. I will be supportive and I will keep my mouth shut. I have also asked him to tell me to shut up if I start to drive him nuts, but he needs to remember that when it comes to brainstorming ideas about large group events, my mind will always kick into a problem solving, logistics management mode.

Our future daughter-in-law Evy comes from a very large extended family. Her mom is one of 13 children, all of whom immigrated to the United States (via Israel) from Siberia in the early 1980s. From what I am told, they are a very large and very entertaining family who never goes anywhere without bringing food, lots and lots of food. I have heard the word ‘crazy’ used often when she and Josh describe her extended family and associated family encounters (always said with a smile on their faces). I will readily admit that I have already begun to refer to the upcoming nuptials as ‘my big fat Russian wedding’. I think my dear, Great Auntie Al may roll over in her grave before this amazing festival of nuptials passes! It makes me smile just when I think about it. My big city lawyer younger brother (who is absent from most family events) has even told me that he wants to be here (pray that his scheduled trial is postponed!). Now THAT will be a minor miracle!

As we anticipate gaining a new daughter (in-law), and our family merging with this larger contingent, we look forward to the richness that will be added to our family. We look forward to ‘my big fat Russian wedding’. Stay tuned!

Family Photos

2011-12-22T15:19:00.000-08:00

After years of procrastination, this November, we FINALLY took the time to have some professional pictures taken of the fam. The procrastination had to do with the fact that I was always hoping to lose that 20 30+ lbs before subjecting myself to the scrutiny of a camera lens. At the beginning of November the subject of family photos came up again. When I replied that I just wanted to lose some weight, Kirsten told me, 'Mom who are you trying to kid?'. Point taken, game won, photographer arranged.

The wonderfully talented Jessica Kasparian spent a VERY cold morning with us and made us all feel very relaxed. I think the pictures show that we actually enjoyed the process. Enjoy...

I believe this one they were laughing because she asked Dean and I to hold hands and look at each other. This CRACKED the kids up.

This picture is PERFECT!

Evy and Joshua, or as we anticipate on September 1, 2012, "Mr. and Mrs. Joshua and Evy Haan"

My deepest apologies for being absent.

2011-12-20T17:34:00.000-08:00

Maybe no one has noticed, but I haven't written in a long time. I have a series of excuses, but I won't go into disgustingly boring detail. My life has just been a little out of my control. In anticipation of surgery last Wednesday, December 14, I was working like a wild woman to get caught up at both of my jobs as well as trying to get everything done and prepped for Christmas. Having surgery in December seemed like an ok idea at the time I scheduled it, but the reality is not so great. On the other hand, I honestly can't remember the last time I had EVERYTHING ready for Christmas by December 12 (my self-imposed deadline). HOWEVER, it did make me a little nutso the last month.

The night before my surgery I worked at job #2 until 7 pm trying to finish up loose ends--cut checks, run reports, send emails, you know try to pre-empt those questions and requests that might come up. It really was all for nothing. My intention was that no one would 'bother' me for at least 2 weeks. In fact, I had been quite clear that I was intending to be on pain meds and so asking me questions regarding bookkeeping matters was ill advised. My REPEATED warnings didn't sink in. Sad to report, the day AFTER surgery I started receiving texts regarding job #2. Good grief. I understand on the one hand, but seriously??? That was not to be outdone by the phone call I received yesterday informing me of yet more 'issues' that this person felt I needed ot take care of. CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST MELLOW OUT AND LET ME HAVE A LITTLE TIME OFF??? Now, don't get me wrong, I'm more than willing to answer questions, but the bookkeeping 'stuff' I specifically asked to not be bothered about for 2 weeks. That is all I asked, 2 weeks.

So, here I sit, 6 days post-op. I honestly canNOT remember the last time I stayed inside my house for 6 days. I don't think I have ever stayed in my house for this long...wait, maybe I have when I was on bedrest with Kirsten. Ok, but that was 19 years ago, so does that really count?? I got through surgery last week, not without a few little 'issues'.

First, I decided that I didn't want to have anyone sitting with me behind curtain #1 while I anticipated being drugged and cut and sawed. Soooo, I told Dean to drop me off at admitting and come back when he heard they were finishing up. He works down the street from the hospital so it isn't as cold as it sounds. PLUS, he could log into the hospital's website and watch the surgery schedule board from his office and thus monitor the progress of my surgery. So, he went in with me to sign in and then headed to work. I sat and waited.

They checked me in, bagged and labeled my comfy yoga pants and hoodie in exchange for a lovely hospital gown, put the IV in and then pulled the curtain. I dozed for the next hour, until at one point I woke up and realized the IV line was red, BRIGHT RED. Hmmmmm, I don't think this is right. I pushed the nurse button. Soon there was a bit of a buzz behind curtain #1 as they realized the IV line had come undone and my blood had been leaking out into what had become a rather large puddle on the floor. BRILLIANT. (Have I mentioned that the last surgery I had resulted in a second emergency surgery due to internal bleeding?? uh huh--that was another interesting stay in the hospital.) So, we had a little delay getting into the OR that day. At one point, I do remember waking and hearing sawing and deciding it was better to sleep. After surgery, the Dr. told me that my foot was worse than he had anticipated. OUTSTANDING! Then I asked him if that meant I had a good reason to 'be bitching about the foot pain I had been having?'. This seemed to make everyone laugh and he told me that yes, I DEFINITELY had a reason to bitch. Whew! I was worried that maybe my Grandpa SK genes had failed me in the "tough it up department", now I had confirmation from the surgeon that my foot had in fact been a mess that definitely required surgical intervention, thus my occasional bitching had been warranted.

Then the good news. Because the foot was worse than anticipated I was informed that I could put absolutely NO WEIGHT on my foot for the next several weeks. Yippee! This was going to add an entirely new dimension to my 'learning patience' exercise that I had been anticipating in the weeks leading up to surgery. I had gotten pretty comfortable with the idea of walking in a boot bearing weight on my heel only and felt I could conquer that no problem. This was something different. This meant crutches, or HORRORS, a WALKER.

This thing comes with a warning that states:
Do not use on stairs.

We returned home that night with a walker and crutches. Let me be the first to say that trying to use either of these devices while balancing on one foot is not an easy task. Add to that the fact that I have rheumatoid arthritis which has weakened my arms and elbows (oh and let's not forget that I had to go off my RA meds for weeks in anticipation of the surgery), and I was a very annoyed and frustrated patient after the first day. Oh, and did I mention that the pain meds make me itch UNCONTROLLABLY from head to toe?? That's right, I had told the Dr. this and he told me to just take Benadryl with the pain meds--guess what? Benadryl didn't help. AT.ALL. By the end of Day 1 Post-Op, I think Dean and the girls were ready to kill me and I was ready to at least severely mutilate anyone in my path I was so miserable. On Day 2 PO I decided to skip the pain meds. I will take the pain over the itching ANY.DARN.DAY. Yesterday, I finally gave up on the crutches and Dean brought home, this wonderful piece of durable medical equipment called a 'knee scooter'. I NEVER in my life thought I could be excited about such a thing, but the first spin around the bedroom, I was hooked, I will be able to move farther than the bathroom! Yippee!!

So, here I am Day 6 PO and I am beginning to wonder how I will make it through the next several weeks without going completely nutso. I guess I am slowly accepting how much I need to learn patience. And guess what? When this foot heals, I get to do it all over again.

Good times, good times.

Happy 15th Birthday Annika!

2011-11-11T16:58:00.000-08:00

Well, it is here and official. Annika turned 15 today! That means that she can get her driver's permit (just as soon as I pay $400 and enroll her in driver's ed classes!). I can hardly believe that she is 15, but then again I also keep finding it strange that I also have a son old enough to legally purchase alcohol!

Josh and Kirsten came home to help her celebrate. It is a long weekend of festivities. Last night we had the friend birthday party--big success. Such a nice group of girls. We took them out to dinner and they were all so appreciative. They even each offered to pay for their own! It was interesting to me how these girls were so concerned about us buying them dinner, they asked what their price limit was and everything! I don't think I have ever had that before! Tonight is our family dinner out. Then Sunday will be the extended family lunch/dinner. Are you getting the birthday theme?? Food and lots of it!

So Happy 15th Birthday Annika! You are growing into such a wonderfully confident young lady. Your sense of humor continues to develop and we LOVE.IT. Oh and congratulations on getting in the high school musical too!! We can't wait!!

We Love You!!

Challenge: The List

2011-10-19T12:50:00.000-07:00

Currently I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I say attempting because I find it difficult to carve out time to sit and read. Historically, my reading time has generally been at bedtime, but these days by the time I get there, I don’t last very long and I am usually drawn to my nightstand’s stack of decorating, cooking and sewing magazines FIRST before I pick up a book. So, I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts”. This book is not the type of book that I generally pick out to read. However, I made a commitment to read the book and gather weekly with a group of women to discuss a chapter at a time. I must be brutally honest that while Voskamp writes beautifully and eloquently, her writing style is COMPLETELY lost on me. The message of the book, however, is not.

The subtitle of “One Thousand Gifts” is ‘A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are’. This sub-title is what hooked me. For the last several years Dean and I have felt in many ways that our lives are ‘on hold’. Plans to go full time on the mission field, derailed. Attempts to sell our home, derailed. Quest for good health, derailed. Search for more time to spend on the things we enjoy, derailed. It feels that we are always waiting for something to start a chain of events where our real life can start. Frustrations with work, family, health, church, finances always seem to drain the energy and make us yearn for a fresh start. A Do-Over.

This year we prayed for God’s leading and direction. If He wanted us to move, he would allow our house to sell, our debts to be paid, and a new path to be dictated. Our self-imposed deadline was the first part of September. Well September came and went, and with September came a new health (and financial) challenge. We pulled the For Sale sign down and realized, again, that God has other things in mind for us right now.

So, moving on. ‘A Dare to Life Fully Right Where You Are’. I will give it a try. I picked up the book and I started to read. By Chapter 3 I was hooked. Again, remember, I have to fight through the verbose to connect with the message, but I am connecting with the message. I relate to the author’s feelings of disappointment, sadness and restlessness. Her quest for T.I.M.E. Then, she stumbles onto something, being thankful and it changes her, for the better.

A friend challenges Ann to begin making a list of 1,000 things to be thankful for. She discovers that once you have identified those things, however small, give THANKS for them. Each of those things are a blessing, a way that God shows you how he loves you. A gift to you, to remind you, that you are special. By giving thanks, we set the tone for amazing things to happen. At first the concept of list-making can be a little difficult to grasp. I think in today’s world, we are always in the bigger is better mode. We forget to recognize those tiny things throughout our day that can make us smile. In the book, Ann starts her list and shares many of the examples. As you read her list beginnings you see how retraining the eye to not overlook things as simple as the colors of soap bubbles can enable you to find joy in their beauty. The chubby hands of a small child. The smell of fresh buttered toast. The first sip of your morning latte’. All of these things that can and do bring warmth to your soul.

Earlier this week, a friend was struggling to put a bad mood behind her. I suggested to her to try to recognize throughout her day all those things that may bring a flash of smile to her face. When she felt the smile, write down the cause and give thanks! Then, continue to add to it. See how fast you can get to 1,000 things. Once you open your eyes, it can change, EVERYTHING.

So I challenge you (along with Ann Voskamp), to grab a small notebook and start recording. As you record, don’t forget to give thanks.

A few of mine for today:

* A warm shower.

* The quiet of the house, a chance to breathe.

* A smiling picture posted on Facebook.

* A fresh, warm cheesy goodness piece of pizza.

* A quick lunch with my best friend and husband.

* Bright red fall leaves set against the clear blue sky.

Another day

2011-10-17T16:50:00.000-07:00

The last few weeks have been the usual. Work, church, meetings, appointments, work. I find I am having a very difficult time keeping track of what day it is. Maybe I need to start putting a big ‘X’ on the calendar at the end of each day. Part of the usual routine the ongoing adjustment to living with (finally diagnosed) rheumatoid arthritis. I fully acknowledge and appreciate that to some it might not sound like any big deal, but to me I find that mentally it is a big deal. While I am thankful for a diagnosis and a course of treatment, I find myself frustrated with several aspects of the whole bizness.

I don’t think that most people have any real idea what rheumatoid arthritis is. R.A. is not the same as osteoarthritis. Osteoarthritis is the most common joint disorder and is characterized as being wear and tear on a joint. We get older, we experience stiffness and less mobility, especially in those areas where we might have suffered an earlier injury. By the time you are 70, almost everyone has experienced some sort of osteoarthritis. As we age, the cartilage wears down and you get more areas where bone rubs on bone. While this is not pleasant, it is a natural part of aging, often see at a younger age in people that are very active in sports and/or exercise.

R.A. is very different. R.A. is an autoimmune disorder where your body mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. It can strike at any age. The cause is unknown. It is a long term disease that causes inflammation of the joints and surrounding tissue. R.A. can affect almost every part of your body including your lungs, heart, and eyes. It causes fatigue as well as severe pain and decreased mobility. It is not something that can be ‘cured’. So if someone ever tells you that they have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, it isn’t helpful to them for you to compare it to the arthritis you have in the knee you hurt when you were in high school. While I can appreciate that your knee is stiff and painful, it is not the same as what I (and others who have RA) experience on a daily basis.

Every morning when I wake up (and this is after I have been awakened several times during the night because of pain in my joints and the need to shift into a more comfortable position), the first few seconds of consciousness I feel great. Then my sensory function kicks in and I ache and hurt everywhere. I shift my leg and my pain shoots through my right knee (the one that doesn’t seem to want to bend the way I need it to whenever I go down stairs). I move my foot and again pain shoots through every joint, up my leg. Then I move my arms. A ring of pain encircles my elbows as I try to straighten out my arms. I lay there for a long while, not wanting to move. Finally, I force myself to sit up and I swing my legs over the bed. I stand, putting weight on my feet and the joints that have been worn and thinned by a combination of a deformity in the bone formation-- weakened by the significant amount of fluid surrounding each joint that slowly has eroded the bone density of the joint. This is how my mornings go. I hobble around until slowly the joints begin to warm and loosen. It is not just in the waking moments of each day. If I sit for too long (for me I find as little as 20 minutes in a stationary position can do it), I find that most of my joints seize and I have to go through the warming up process all over again.

I describe all of this to give a little glimpse of what it is like for me. I do not share in an attempt to garner sympathy, but instead to offer information. Again, I am thankful for a diagnosis where my doctor is now working to find something that will work well for me. While we cannot undo the damage that has already been caused, we can find treatment that will (hopefully) help prevent further erosion and will reduce some of the symptoms. The first round of drugs did not go well for me. I could not tolerate the drugs used to treat cancer. My skin peeled, I had excruciating headaches not to mention an attack on my digestive tract. We have since moved on to what are termed as ‘biologics’. To me that is just a silly term that describes VERY expensive medicine that is not on my insurance carrier’s drug formulary. Imagine my surprise when I was told that the medicine I needed would cost $1950 a month and that the insurance company was only willing to be half of that cost. To say I was stoked doesn’t adequately cover it. So, I picked up my first month’s supply, crossed my fingers and hoped that it would work. After 2 weeks I don’t feel much different but I can tell that the obscene swelling in my feet has gone down to the point that I can squeeze my feet back into my Danskos (which is a good thing because I have several pairs and I really don’t think I can afford to pay for the medicine AND buy new shoes!). We have learned about a program that the drug manufacturer offers that helps pay the uncovered costs of the medicine. Hopefully it will help in a significant way.

With the diagnosis comes other realizations. As I have said, my new medication routine involves very expensive medicine that needs to be refrigerated. As that new part of my life sunk in, I realized that this may greatly affect our desire to live in parts unknown some day. We had hoped and planned that after Annika graduated from high school, we could finally start our ‘second career’ working for a mission-related organization in some foreign assignment. Now we are not sure how this will all factor in. I feel that there may be some more change in mindset in that plan.

The other realization, surgery. Two weeks ago I was told that I will need surgery on both feet. I have deformities in both feet that only surgery can correct. The RA hasn’t caused the deformities, but it has exacerbated the deformity issues to the point that surgery is the only remedy to alleviate the pain that I constantly feel. The first surgery will be December 14. They tell me that I will need to wait at least 3 months, then I will have the second surgery. The surgeon tells me that it takes the average person 9 months before they are fully healed. So, I anticipate a fun year! Again, I am thankful for a treatment option, but I am a bit overwhelmed thinking spending the next several months hobbling around. Honestly though, I am not able to walk very much now, so what is another year?

(Almost) All Grown Up!

2011-10-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

I can't get motivated to do much today. Right now we are waiting for some friends to stop in and share a glass of wine (or a beer) and catch up on our lives. We SO wish that these friends lived next door. Sadly they are only 40 minutes away, but we don't get to see each other near enough! So while I am waiting for some of our favorite people to arrive, I thought I might do a little updating.

Today is one of those awesome crisp fall days. I woke up this morning and it was foggy. You know the kind of fog? That fall fog where the air is just cold enough to cling to the spider webs. Usually I see all those webs outside and I feel the urge to go and sweep them all away, but this morning, I just peered out and looked at all the intricate designs that our spider friends had made. Then I crawled back in bed for a little more sleep. The rest of the day has been like that. Nap a little, run the Saturday errands, nap a little more. I feel guilty, but then Dean keeps reminding me that my body needs a little rest.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind. We successfully moved Josh and Kirsten to Seattle Pacific University. I can't believe they have already finished their first 2 weeks of classes! Josh is loving his campus housing pick this year. He is living on the main floor of a university owned house with 3 other guys. The place is a college senior's dream. In the middle of campus (directly across the street from Kirsten's dorm!), HUGE living room and dining room (perfect for having lots of people over to hang out), 3 bedrooms, basic kitchen and large picture windows that let the light flood in. Oh and the view out the windows isn't so bad either. Oh and he can even park in the house's driveway, another bonus! I can hardly believe that he is a senior! That's right, he will GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE this coming May. I still can't get used to the fact that I have a child that can legally purchase beer! When I was his age, I was married, owned a house and was thinking about having him! He is managing to work at Gwinn and keep up with a busy class load. Last week he told us he was spending 2-3 hours A DAY working on his French for class. His dedication to learning is inspiring to me.

I wonder if Kirsten has managed to keep her bed made and her half of the room this clean.

Kirsten has definitely adapted to college life. I love to stalk her Facebook page so that I can see all the fun she is having. She survived her first biology test this week. She tells me it was hard, but she got through it. Oh how I wish that I had her same confidence when I was 18. She amazes me! She is taking Biology, Chemistry, Calculus and then another 'USEM' class. She and her roommate seem to be getting along very well so we are thankful for that. We were thankful when we helped her unpack and set up her dorm room and she was able to fit everything in. For a child to go from having a 12 foot walk-in closet to a small dorm room armoire, we were a little concerned, but she did it! And she had a little room to spare! People have asked us if it is weird to send the second one off to college--if we were sad. Honestly, we can answer 'no' to that question. We definitely miss having her around on a daily basis, but when we finally arrived at moving to college day and we saw her absolute joy and excitement over moving into this next stage of life, how could we be sad?

Kirsten and some of her new college friends--how can you not smile when you look at these girls?

While moving into this phase where we have 2 kids in college has been a wide range of emotions, probably the biggest joy we have had the last 2 weeks is seeing how well Annika is doing with this change. All year we have been a little geared up in anticipation of how these big changes were going to be weathered. First, she started high school. Guess what? SHE.LOVES.IT. Her classes are going well, she is confident in several friendships, and she greets each school day WITHOUT DREAD. Then, we had to go through the 'my brother AND my sister are going away to college' step. Again, we have been overwhelmed with thanksgiving at how that transition has gone. I think we are almost ready to say that the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent on her care and therapy the last 7 years have all been well spent and all worth it. Almost. Ask me when we are done paying off our last loan! In all seriousness, Dean and I have spent a lot of time talking about it lately. We have come to the consensus that for the first time in 7 years, we can honestly say that Annika and her 'issues' are the least of our concerns these days. There was a time when we didn't know if we would ever be able to say that. It is pretty amazing.

Yup, I think I like this stage of parenting. Not too shabby, not too shabby at all.

Speaking of why I haven't blogged lately...

2011-09-14T10:08:00.001-07:00

I know that I have been a very, very bad blogger lately. I apologize for the two of you that still read this! My life has gotten a little off balanced again lately. I’m trying to ‘right the ship’, but I have not been very successful at it. I will try to correct some of that now.

Over a year ago I made the very difficult decision to cut WAY back at work (down to 1/day/week). I LOVED that decision. After a few years of very difficult times, I needed the rest. I didn’t need the huge hole it left in my checkbook, but I needed the rest. Unfortunately it was a short lived period of time. In January of this year, I took a second part-time job (15 hrs/week). It was a job I knew I would be good at and I thought I was ready for the challenge. Turns out, I wasn’t.

Since January I have found myself increasingly exhausted and cranky. Of course it doesn’t help that this new job, where I work with people I truly enjoy and respect and admire, has exposed me to some very painful experiences. I took this job because: a) I was asked to apply, b) I felt that there was a tremendous need that I could fill and that would fulfill me and c) I was anticipating a more positive work environment. Now, 9+ months later, I know that I made a huge mistake. I am at a point where I can again barely get out of bed in the morning (other reasons for that I will detail later) and I have been left feeling very disillusioned and disheartened. I still LOVE the people that I work with and I enjoy the actual ‘work’ that I do. My pain has come in watching the antics (for lack of a better word) of those outside our office(s) which antics affect those that are IN our office(s). My pain has come in watching people that I work with, and care deeply for, be hurt and disparaged and slandered. I know that I will get in trouble and cause more harm than good to detail the antics here, and I don’t want to do that. I guess, bottom line, I’m tired. I’m tired of defending, explaining, and reasoning. I’m tired of trying to figure out the motivation behind others’ actions. I’m tired of trying to understand how some people can be so hurt that they lash out and try to destroy another. I’m tired.

To add to that little circle in my life, are several other circles that all seem to overlap. The first job that I struggled to finally cut WAY back on?? Well, my replacement turned out to be a disaster. No, disaster doesn’t fully cover it. She was ALMOST as bad as the receptionist we had once that didn’t know what the ‘little numbers’ on the stamps meant. Uh huh–I canNOT make that one up. So, after a year of repeating the same basic instructions over and over and over, Bossman decided he had endured enough and he showed her the door. Of course, the fallout has to fall in my direction–right?? So I get sucked RIGHT back into the black hole. Because I have the other part-time job which occupies 3 days/week, I am only available 2 days/week. So while a year ago I was able to start taking care of myself, and was limited to only 1 day/week work commitment, I am now committed 5 days/week and frankly I think I should BE committed.

I know that most people work 5 days/week. To you, I applaud you and I salute you with my utmost sincerity and respect. However, for me, I am weak and tired and I am not equipped at this point in my life to navigate through two jobs that commit me 5 days/week. AGAIN, I feel it should be repeated that I should BE committed. We are trying to sell the house which requires keeping it in pristine condition. EPIC FAIL on this count. We have two kids leaving for college next week–after MONTHS I still have been unable to finish Kirsten’s quilt and I am in a complete panic as to whether or not I will in fact complete it on time! I still have to shop and plan meals and cook for a houseful of people that seem to always be hungry! I have to navigate through a series of doctor appointments, shrink appointments, orthodontist appointments, church meetings, and never ending family issues. Oh and did I mention that I was diagnosed last week with Rheumatoid Arthritis? Oh, I forgot that one?

Yup, 5 years ago, I was first referred to a rheumatologist with arthritis symptoms. The Doc decided that I didn’t seem bad enough so he sent me on my way. Since that time I have had a progressively long list of ailments that have plagued me. Over the years the pain has increased and my joint mobility has decreased. I have been told ‘you are getting older’ one too many times by my primary care physician as an explanation for symptoms that didn’t seem right to me. My feet (which have suffered the most) have degenerated to the point that walking any distance is a struggle. Soooooooo, after a MRI showed signs of rheumatoid arthritis in my feet, including what appears to be some joint damage (I get to see a surgeon on that one), I was directed back to the rheumatologist, who reviewed my records and pronounced me afflicted. He gave me a scrip for weekly injections of a powerful drug often used to treat cancer patients, printed out a long and scary list of side effect possibilities, and sent me on my way.

And this, my friends, summarizes why I haven’t been very good at blogging lately....

Why did you believe THAT?

2011-07-27T14:22:00.000-07:00

I have a Facebook friend that likes to post things just to get a reaction out of people. I’m convinced that the more inflammatory the potential of the post is, the more he likes it. I know my friend is a political conservative. I respect his right to have whatever political view he wants...after all that is what our country is about. However, I sometimes shake my head about the things he chooses to post and my perception that he BELIEVES this stuff. Usually I let it go, but the other day he had posted a link that was just SO over the top that I found myself commenting, and now I find myself blogging.

He posted the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu6ok5ykyuQ&feature=share . I don’t think I can do it justice, so you really should watch it first. However, if you aren’t able to view it, I will summarize it this way: A guy is driving thru the Tacoma Housing Authority’s Salishan project. As he drives thru filming the various buildings, streets, cars, he talks nonstop about how this entire project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ with ‘$225 Million of social security money’ (he keeps emphasizing the amount of money in a really obnoxious way). He rants about how beautiful the project is, how it is constructed without concern of cost, how the ‘illegal immigrants’ and ‘foreigners’ get to live in this project for free and how they each receive $2,642 a month in social security money even though they are ‘illegal immigrants’. He repeats over and over and over again how the project is built for ‘illegal immigrants’. He rails about the ‘foreigners’ that live there. He even lists them as ‘Koreans, Chinese, orientals’. Uh huh, he used ‘orientals’ as a proper term.

Now in my humble opinion, the guy that made the video is a pompous, blowbag bigot that has a lot of hatred towards anyone who wasn’t born in this country. Furthermore, he spouts about how the government programs work, but he is slightly off (as in COMPLETELY OFF HIS ROCKER) in his rant. As I watched the video, my reaction was one of unbelief that this guy could spout lie after exaggerated lie about the Salishan project and how the government was building this project for ‘illegal immigrants’. Judging by the other comments to my friend’s post, I was (somewhat) alone in my unbelief of this guy’s rhetoric. PEOPLE WERE BELIEVING THE CONTENT OF THE VIDEO. I couldn’t believe it and it made me question ‘WHY DID YOU BELIEVE THAT?’.

Like I said, the video piqued my interest. I had recently read an article about World War II era housing authority projects in the Puget Sound region and their need to be revitalized and/or rebuilt. Salishan had been included in this article. Salishan is a Tacoma Housing Authority project that was originally built after World War II. They have been rebuilding and upgrading it for years. It is a MIXED use project, meaning that the project consists of low income AND market rate owners. PLUS there is a lot of commercial space in this project that is either rented for market rate, or sold, so that it helps to underwrite the cost of maintenance and infrastructure. I have no doubt that there is controversy about the Salishan project. Any large project would be subject to intense scrutiny. I have not spent the time researching everything that has been said/written about the project. My information comes from a few articles and the Tacoma Housing Authority's own website which details the various 'neighborhoods' and tenants within the project. This a project that was started BEFORE THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. However, this little fact didn’t stop someone from posting: That is absolute BS! After seeing this, I don't know how anyone can vote for a democrat and their entitlement programs (see example above)! No wonder why we have so many illegal immigrants if thats the kind of good life the government provides. Its also the reason why our country is BROKE!

Again, I asked myself ‘HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?’. The author of the comment is a smart young man, how could he watch the video and not see the hatred and mistruths that this man was spewing? How could he not want to check things out for himself and verify if these unbelievable statements were true or not. Why was he so determined to believe it at face value?

I could go on and on about everything in the video that made me gasp. Even if the rhetoric the man was spewing was true, how can people forget that, for most of us, OUR ANCESTORS were immigrants to this country...granted the programs of today for immigrants weren't there in those days, but today's immigrants face a whole host of problems (just like we do) that didn't exist then either. Why is there so much hatred and mistrust of those that immigrate to our country? When did that happen? I understand that a staggering amount of money has been spent on public housing, and in particular this project. I understand that Mixed Economic Use projects like this one are expensive, but the theory is that this type of housing model proves a better project in the long run to have BOTH low income AND middle-upper income in the same neighborhood, but to attract the mid-upper, you have to have it built and looking nice. After all, public perception is such that no one wants low income in THEIR backyard. Right?

Another one of my problems with this video (besides the apparent distaste this man has for ‘foreigners’ and people of low income) is that it implies that ALL THE HOUSING UNITS were built for 'illegal immigrants'. That is NOT true. How could you believe this was true? There is a wide range of housing units in the Salishan project, everything from a Baptist Assisted Living/Retirement facility to privately owned medical clinics to Habitat For Humanity homes, to market rate rentals. The actual number of true subsidized low income units is small in the overall scheme. Furthermore, no part of the project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ (seriously can you imagine the Housing Authority planning meeting?? 'Yup, let's design and build a project for illegal immigrants. I am sure no one will mind, the government will give us plenty of money for that so long as we make it ONLY for illegal immigrants'). First, this guy is confusing undocumented workers (aka ‘illegal immigrants’) with those that qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) as a ‘qualified alien’ under the Federal Government guidelines (which again were NOT WRITTEN DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, but which have existed for many, many years). A ‘qualified alien’ is someone who has IS IN THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY and generally is one who has previously either sought asylum or is a qualified refugee (as deemed by several specific factors). Only after you are determined to be a ‘qualified alien’ (again, which you can only be deemed if you have entered our country legally and are properly documented) can you then be considered for receiving SSI. It is a lengthy process that is not granted easily. Income and asset restrictions still apply. Bottom line, if you are an ‘illegal immigrant’ you CANNOT QUALIFY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY OR SSI. Another little factoid that seems to have escaped the video’s narrator, SSI is NOT FUNDED by Social Security dollars. While SSI is a Social Security program, it is not funded by Social Security monies that come out of our paychecks. It is funded by general tax revenue. Some may not see the distinction, but there IS a distinction. Another interesting fact, there are many ‘illegal immigrants’ that pay into Social Security but which will never collect Social Security. That's right, I am acknowledging that there are illegal immigrants in this country that are WORKING. Shocking I know. (denote sarcasm here).

Regardless of how others may feel about immigration or low income issues, or what political party you align yourself with most, I always struggle with the social justice issues i.e., housing assistance, food stamps, WIC, SSI (again which is a program that was established and exists to provide supplemental income to disabled folks who have little to no income and assets) and other like programs. I go rounds with myself wondering what is required of us as a nation that (in spite of its current economic woes) has been blessed with an (over)abundance. Even more personally as a follower of Christ, I can never quite shake the direction in Luke 12:48: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." I know, I know, there are some that say this doesn't apply to what I am talking about. Some say that this is taken out of context. Personally, I don't want to make that call that it 'doesn't apply' to my life. I understand and acknowledge that from a fiscally conservative view social justice issues don't pencil out very well, but is that the only thing we should focus on???

For me, I hope that I continue to check into the background of statements that I hear that shock me and seem unbelievable. I have found that in today's political arena and mass media environment, there is a lot of slant and embellishment going on to try to scare people one way or the other. I try to not take too much at face value, especially if it seems a little shocking. I also hope that others would do the same.

Garage Sale

2011-07-23T23:30:00.000-07:00

So today we did it. We had a garage sale. On some levels I hate this sort of thing and on others, I.LOVE.IT.

We went thru the house last weekend with a very brutal eye. I dug thru cupboards and closets, purging those items that I knew I could easily do without. The result?? 6 tables full of items that we no longer need (oh and several other items that were not ‘tabled’ but which were laid out for people to grab). Kirsten was gracious enough to use her week off to organize items into categories. On Friday night I was able to whisk thru and price. Whew! I was done by 9 pm Friday and ready to go Saturday morning first thing.

Things I HATE about garage sales. First, the people that show up BEFORE you say you open and hang out while you are getting your bearings. We had 2 of those this morning. (Neighbors NEVER count in this...I always LOVE neighbors that show up to support, coffee cup in hand, a roll of dollar bills shoved in their pockets). No, I am referring to the professional garage sale shopper that shows up AT LEAST 15 minutes before you start and perches themselves on your utility marker and says ‘you ARE having a sale today right?’. Yes we are you hag, just give me a minute to haul my tables out and get my own darn cup of coffee before I haggle with you over whether or not I will sell you my children’s favorite games for 10 cents! For a sale that consisted of items marked in 25 cent increments, we did well. By the end of the sale hours, 3/4 of the ‘crap’ was gone and I had a respectable amount of bills in my make-shift cash box. We easily boxed the remains, pulled the tags off, and dropped the items off at the thrift store.

The day was eventful. I am never one that likes to use the phrase ‘it was a God thing’ because it sounds so superficial, but we experienced a true ‘God’ moment. About 3/4 of the way thru our sale, a mother and her two sons showed up. It was at a quiet moment (did I mention the weather was glorious today–blue sky and sun?? I have a tan face with eyeglass imprint to prove it!) where Dean, Annika and I were alone with our customers of the moment. The mom was looking thru the table of girls’ clothes, when she held up one of my girls’ tank tops to her two sons an said ‘this is the size your sister is now’. I found it a rather odd statement, but didn’t think TOO much of it. Then the woman turned to me and said ‘their sister is in a residential treatment center boarding school’. I.COULDN’T BELIEVE.IT.

‘Really?, where?’. I asked

‘Utah’.

‘Oh, where in Utah?’ I said

‘Salt Lake, Eva Carlston’.

I think my heart skipped a beat. This past week, was the first time in my life I had even heard of Eva Carlston Treatment Center outside of Salt Lake. HOW I heard of Eva Carlston is a modern day miracle. Thru the specialized literary genre which is blogging, I had new comments posted on my blog entry about Uinta (the residential treatment center where Annika was at in 2009). The most recent comments had informed me that Annika’s counselor at Uinta, Sue Hoffman, was now at Eva Carlston RTC. Now, I was sitting in my driveway, manning my garage sale, when this woman informed me that her 12 year old daughter was at Eva Carlston.

Whah??? I could not believe my ears. I responded to this woman....

‘Oh Eva Carlston, where Kristi Ragsdale and Sue Hoffman are?’.

The woman stopped cold and looked at me....

Long story short, we struck up a conversation about residential treatment centers, living thru the nightmare which is placing your child in such a place, and how it affects all family members involved. We hope to meet this week for coffee and share more.

So tonight I am blessed that our house is a little emptier, my wallet is a little more padded AND we were brought together with another family that is experiencing the same nightmare that we went thru 2 years ago. Ok, I realize that sounds weird. My point is that we have just met a family, in our community, that can relate on ALL levels to what we went thru and perhaps we can give them a listening ear AND an infusion of hope as they go thru the enormous struggle that we went thru 2 years ago. I just heard from my fellow ‘parent in circumstance’... she ‘friended’ me on Facebook. We hope to get together this week and talk more.

So as I have said before,

God is good, ALL the time.

How Can You Feeling Lonely in a Crowded Room?

2011-07-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

I have been having this problem for a while. I can be surrounded by people, but I feel lonely and lost. I hate it. I have always been a very social person. I have people in my life that I have known since I was A LOT younger, so I know that I am capable of developing and maintaining friendships (although I have had one person tell me that I am worthless at this, I know for a FACT that I am a GOOD FRIEND whose presence matters to other people). While I am blessed with many different relationships, I find that I am painfully lacking in those day-to-day encounters. I am most aware of this when I attend our church.

I work at our church, so some might think that I feel very connected to others there. While I definitely have a connection with co-workers (and their spouses), it is not the same thing that I am referring to. Again, I value those relationships, but what I am talking about is different. I am talking about those constant contact type relationships. The ones where you text each other random things and the recipient gets it, immediately. The type where you have standing ‘dates’ to go for a walk, or hit the thrift store on the weekly opening day looking for nothing in particular, but instead just hanging out and spending time. The kind where you just have the understanding that if you don’t have special plans on Friday night you will be at the other’s house. The kind of relationship where you go with each other to try on swim suits, laughing and disgusted at the same time (gosh I miss you Anna on this one! Hahaha!). The kind of relationship where when your spouse is annoying you, you know you can call them and they will listen and understand exactly what you mean. The kind of relationship where when you have a special project to do, you can be guaranteed that they will show up to help.

This desire of relationship has nothing to do with (nor am I intending to diminish the importance of) the wonderful relationships that I have with others, many of whom live outside a 5 mile radius. NOT.AT.ALL. I value each of you immensely. What I find myself physically hurting for is the day in/day out type of thing. I feel the absence of this the most when I attend our church.

This past Sunday morning, I found myself absolutely dreading going, it was pathetic. The reason I didn’t want to go is because I don’t know what to do with myself before and after the service. Dean is currently serving as an Elder, so he is required to go downstairs to the council room before service. (We call it the ‘Secret Society Men’s Meeting’, but that is material for another blog entry). We arrive early, he leaves me at the door and I am stuck in the foyer hoping for someone to talk with and make a meaningful connection. I.HATE.IT. I stand there and often no one stops to talk to me. We have had a lot of turmoil and drama at church the last year+ and so I actually have a group of people that refuse to even speak to me (I think it is because I work in the office and they have some issues they need to resolve–so since I work in the office, I am taboo for them). Some of these people USED to talk with me, but now they do anything they can to avoid me. I know it isn’t personal, but it feels VERY personal to me at times.

The same thing happens for me after the service. Again, Dean has to depart ahead of me so that he can greet people as they leave the sanctuary. I am left to chat with people as we empty the pews and exit the sanctuary. I get out into the sanctuary and I am not sure what to do. Everyone seems to disburse into their own clusters and groups. I have tried going and joining with others, but most of the time it is awkward and painfully obvious that they are enjoying their own intimate connection, perhaps discussing a recent activity together or planning their next one, and they have no need for me to be there. I often feel that if people didn’t have a reason to speak with me (i.e., need something from me that is related to my job), I would speak with no one.

It isn’t just Sundays. Living in a small community, I am very aware of who is doing what with whom. I know about the parties we aren't invited to. I know about the breakfasts and lunches that people are having. I know about the shopping excursions to Costco, or the days spent together at the lake. I know and appreciate that people have their connections and intimate friendships with each other and I am not a part of those. That is expected and perfectly normal. Not everyone can be involved with everyone. I will be honest that it isn’t that I am always desirous of being in their ‘group’, it is just that I miss being a part of some ‘group’. I know that there are people that have standing breakfast dates, scrapbooking dates, thrift store dates, kid exchange dates, game nights, etc.. I am genuinely happy for those that are able to enjoy these types of relationships. I am simply weary with feeling like the kid that gets picked last for the baseball team. To sum it up, I miss having relationships with two key factors: a) physical proximity and b) true intimacy.

When I get really defeated, I start to believe what that one person once told me, that it was unhealthy for her to be in friendship relationship with me. Was she right? Is that why I lack these types of relationships with people in my immediate vicinity? She told me to process her words with someone who would make me see the honesty in her words. I have spent a lot of time in painful self-examination as well as time processing with a dear friend. My friend assured me that my former friend's opinion had never been her experience with me and they have known me thru a lot of highs and lows over the last 30 years. So while I know that I have a lot of faults and flaws (which my dear friend acknowledges as well! haha), I do not agree with my former friend's opinion, but her voice pops up in the back of my head WAY too often. I hate it when I get defeated and I start to doubt myself and overlook the positives.

So lately, I can sometimes feel lonely in a crowded room. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about it. For now, I will keep reminding myself of the good things that close friends have said to me about who they know me to be. Maybe next Sunday I will interject myself into one of those ‘closed’ conversations and try to overcome the feelings that I am not wanted there. Maybe.

P.S. I have not written this in an attempt to garner sympathy or flattery. I am being openly honest and merely journaling (if you will) my thoughts and feelings of the moment.

Mama's Vacation

2011-07-13T11:23:00.000-07:00

I’m a little behind on blogging. I had good intentions of sitting down last week and catching up, but the week passed and I still didn’t get to it. I wake up in the middle of the night and have some really great ideas, but in the morning I can’t remember them. I hate that.

Last week Annika was gone all week on a service project trip to Eastern Washington. She joined with several other kids working on the Yakama Indian Reservation. Now I spent my high school years in ‘Yakima’, and I never knew until this year that the ‘Yakama’ Indian tribe is spelled differently from the adjacent city. Did you know that? ANYWAY, since she was out of town all week, I decided to take a little vacation myself. I had hoped that Dean could get away with me, but that was not to be...he had too many people that were already on vacation for him to check out. So, I planned a little ‘Mommy is away’ vacation.

I.LOVE.IT. when I get to do this. I sometimes feel guilt at spending the money, but this time I was completely guilt free. The day I left on this little break, my 1 day/week bossman gave me some extra bonus $$, so off I went, cash in tow to enjoy my time.

I got to spend the next 4 days and 3 nights with a host of people that I was anxious to catch up with. I was able to spend one on one time with several different people. I.LOVE.THIS. It was SUCH a relaxing time. I stayed at a new spot for me...the Silver Cloud Stadium Hotel. It was a little different location for me because when I stay in Seattle, I like to be right in the heart of downtown and this was slightly south (it is nostalgic for me...when I left college to start my ‘adult’ life I worked in the heart of downtown and lived on Queen Anne). The hotel had a bonus...a rooftop deck and swimming pool something that is rare in downtown hotels. From one side you could look directly onto Safeco Field where the Seattle Mariners play (no there were no games when I stayed–it would have been crazy if there were!). Then the other direction looked out onto Puget Sound. As luck would have it the sun shone when I was there and I was able to just lay out and soak up the rays. Oh and the restaurant/bar were pretty great too!

As I was there, I began to think about all women that are never able to take time for themselves, or that never take the time because they don’t feel they should. There are a variety of reasons why, economics is probably the biggest one. I know that we could have used the money for other things (bills!), but being able to take time for myself is so important for me. I know that some probably view it as selfish (be thankful you have a family, how can you not want to spend all your time with them?) Others may view it as an unnecessary luxury. I have heard from some ‘oh I can’t do that because of all my responsibilities to work and my family’. Yes, I have those same responsibilities. I have people that need me and depend on me and that is EXACTLY why I try to schedule an extended time in for myself at least twice a year. If I don’t have those times away to spend just worrying about myself, I run myself past empty and have nothing to give to anyone.

Being alone is sometimes a very uncomfortable thing, but I have learned that making myself uncomfortable is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing. Granted my 4 days and 3 nights were not complete solitude, but I did have many hours during that time completely to myself. I read, I slept, I shopped, I ate, I drank, all by myself. No one asked me what was for dinner. No one asked me where I was going when I put shoes on. No one asked me to help them find some obscure item that they had just put down but suddenly it had disappeared. The best part, I didn’t feel lonely during this time. Quite the contrary. This was SO strange to me because lately I have been feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by people. I’m still trying to figure that one out, but when I was physically alone, I didn’t feel lonely, I just felt relaxed. No guilt, no shame, no needing to fix anything, answer questions or explain anything, just content.

By the last day, I was ready to return home. The re-entry is always a little tricky–you are glad to see everyone, yet not quite ready to resume your day-to-day role. I am thankful for the time away. I SO enjoyed the conversations and time spent with dear family and friends as well as the time alone. The time away nourished me. I enjoyed rediscovering ME, not the taskmaster me, but ME. Because when I am able to reintroduce myself to ME, I think I am able to be a better mom & wife, friend & co-worker. Or at least that is my hope.

Pet Peeve alert

2011-06-27T10:32:00.000-07:00

So anyone who knows me know that I love Facebook. Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I am a frequent flyer when it comes to Facebook. I check it (almost) every day, often a few times a day. That being said, I have a pet peeve about Facebook. I am sure I have been guilty of it as well, but I do work really hard to not do this. What is the pet peeve??

My pet peeve is when people post things like:

Susie is: having Dick and Jane and their kids over for dinner tonight. Can't wait to hang out and play games

Dick is: excited that Susie and Bill invited Jane and I and the kids over for dinner

Lucy is: looking forward to going to Charlie's birthday party tonight, it should be great

Linus is: glad that he got to go to Charlie's birthday party last night, we all had a blast

Are you getting my pet peeve? My pet peeve is when people post of specifics to events that not everyone is invited to. I see these posts and I feel lonely. I mean Sue and Bill have never asked us over for dinner and games. Charlie didn't invite us to his birthday party. Linus and Lucy got to go, why didn't they ask me??

I realize I have probably been guilty of this as well. I try to watch it, but I am sure I have messed up sometimes. Maybe when I mess up it is because I want Susie, Dick, Lucy, Charlie and Linus to know that we don't sit at home ALL the time, sometimes people do invite us to do things.

That is it, that is all...my pet peeve of the day. Good-bye.

The Weekend

2011-06-27T10:19:00.000-07:00

Yay! It is Monday! I feel like we had a 3-day weekend, but we didn't. Maybe it feels that way because so much happened. Overall, when I weigh it out I would have to put it down as a good weekend.

Friday night we got to spend the evening with good friends. We love these guys and it was nice to just have a few hours to hang, eat pizza, drink wine and talk. Sadly we aren't able to do this enough.

Saturday Dean had to work his shift. Can I write how much it annoys me that he has to work every 4th Saturday? For a long time he didn't schedule himself, mainly because he was so burned out and there were plenty of people who wanted to work. Then his boss told him that he HAD to work his turn of Saturdays. Really?? Does it matter that much? No one was complaining, his employees liked to get the time in because then they would often 'swap' it for other hours off during the week. The system worked and frankly he is often extremely burned out by Friday nights. He works a job where he has 14 people demanding his attention constantly. Seriously, every time he even attempts to close his office door, PEOPLE FREAK OUT. They start collecting outside his glass door staring in at him as if he was a caged animal at the zoo. While it may sound like I am exaggerating, I assure you I am not. By the time he gets to the weekend, he needs to be able to check out of there.

Not so this weekend. On Friday he was given instruction to 'let go' an employee. He was dreading this, but he knew there were sound reasons for all of this and he agreed it was well past time. The employee had repeatedly told him that they did not want to do what he needed them to do in their daily job. PERIOD. So he let them go on Saturday and proverbial hell broke lose. This employee called everyone and anyone that worked there and complained, cried, rampaged. The BEST part of all of it was they called one of Dean's bosses, who promptly penned an e-mail to Dean questioning how he handled it. GOOD.FRIGGIN.GRIEF. Poor Dean. He spent the rest of the weekend second guessing himself and feeling like he had to justify himself to someone who wasn't even there, someone who was taking the word of a disgruntled former employee (giving them an audience) over Dean's. This is an issue that drives me nuts. Dean is dedicated to that company as if it was his own. He is VERY good at handling HR matters. He understands well what you say and don't say to an employee when you have to let them go. I also know that he had spoken repeatedly over the years with this employee about attitude, work ethic, responsibilities, etc. MANY, MANY, MANY times. This boss wasn't even there...how can he give an audience to a known troublemaker former employee and not stand up for Dean?? How does he come back and question how Dean handled it when he wasn't there. Later the boss e-mailed back saying he wasn't questioning him, but the damage was done. I read the e-mails, he WAS questioning Dean and inferring that Dean had handle it incorrectly.

After that morning, we went to a wedding. The young couple are very sweet and young and in love. They were blessed to have many people there with them to share their day. We were reminded that innocence still exists in this world. Afterwards I had an allergy attack, so we had to leave the reception early. That evening I spent with the kids watching 'Say Yes to the Dress'. HILLARIOUS and disgusting at the same time. After witnessing the wedding we had earlier in the day, I was blown away by these women that spend THOUSANDS of dollars on wedding dressses. To hear a father tell the consultant 'oh don't worry about price tag, I will cover it all'...and then subsequently the bride choose a $12k dress...whoa. No wonder developing nations hate us.

Later that night we ended up in the middle of more drama. I honestly wish I could write about it, but I fear of the backlash. Suffice it to say that Dean and I are in a very unique position in how we view certain mental health issues and the different 'what to do in case of [blank]' scenarios. We have the experience of 7 years of therapy dealing with a child that has severe panic/anxiety disorder. We have been coached over the years about how you do and do not handle situations. We have sat thru more sessions about maintaining personal health and boundaries in difficult situations. So when this situation came up on Saturday, we felt confident that we knew how it should be handled. Proudly we stuck by our guns, but we faced anger and resentment in the process. We know there will be more to come. At the end of the day, we were faced with the realization that a relationship we had hoped to have and nurture and build is not possible. You can only have an open honest and sharing relationship with individuals who are interested. Sadly, we realized that those that we hoped to have open honesty with are either: a) not interested or b) not capable of having that. It was again made very clear to us that some will choose to lie and cover up and deceive. It was at the same time devastating and liberating. Today is Monday, a new day and so we go forward.

Yesterday was a relaxing day. We were privileged to have the opportunity to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of a new church. You can check out http://www.thetablebellingham.org/. Until a month ago we have been blessed to be on the leadership team for The Table. We have enjoyed building a foundation of a new church with some other pretty amazing people. We continue to pray that God will lead and provide clear direction for Aaron and Kate and the other leaders as they chart out the next steps for the Table. The rest of Sunday was relaxing. We were able to spend the evening at home (we opted to skip Bethel's--our other church--evening service). Dean and I were actually able to sit down and have both dinner and play a game with Annika. Whew...something new in our therapy routine for Annika is that we have to sit down 3 nights a week for a 2-3 hour block with Annika--dinner, game, movie, other activity?. We readily admit that this direction is one we are struggling with. Our current schedules have not allowed this and we are trying to figure out how we will be able to fulfill this obligation, but LAST NIGHT WE DID IT. That is one night down 2 nights to go.

So, it is Monday and I am exhausted. I can't tell yet if it is a good exhausted or a crawl in the bed and pull the covers over your head exhausted. I wonder what this week will bring.

Downsize Step 2: Utility Room

2011-06-24T11:02:00.000-07:00

Another room that I perused thru was our utility room. I have always thought it was a somewhat small utility room until yesterday. Yesterday, my favorite realtor of all time came thru the house. He stopped in our utility room, looked around and announced ‘this is a big utility room’. He was right.

It isn’t a big utility room by old farmhouse standards, but by the standards of newer homes where often there isn’t a utility room, but instead a utility closet, it is good sized. So as I stepped into that room and I REALLY looked around, I was met with yet another room that needs my purging attention.

The things I cannot (or at least I think I cannot) do without: the washer and dryer. The thought of not having my own washer and dryer can almost make me feel as though hives are ready to pop on the surface of my skin. I have this dark, deep fear that if I don’t have immediate access to a washer and dryer laundry will pile up to the point that I will never get it done. I realize this is completely irrational, especially since I make my children do their own laundry. That’s right, I am only responsible for keeping up with the mountains of dirty laundry that Dean and I produce. However, the idea of not having a washer and dryer available to me 24 hours/day/7 days a week makes me itch, and squirm and hyperventilate. So, easily available access to a washer and dryer are on my definite ‘need’ list.

Next, laundry baskets. I have this really cool thing in our laundry room, one of my many IKEA finds. It is a tall metal framework that accommodates 5 large plastic laundry bins. That is right, one for each of us. This is a HUGE lifesaver for me. Of course Kirsten’s bin is generally overloaded and in her room waiting to be unloaded, but you get the idea. Everyone has their own. If I find an item belonging to one of the kids (this includes Dean) laying around the house, it goes in their basket and from there they retrieve it. Again, I feel that this is an item that goes on the ‘need’ list.

Now comes the tough part, the cupboards above the washer and dryer. There is a shelf stacked with beach towels–easily accessible to grab on the way out swimming. First, only one member of our household goes swimming on a regular basis. Second, how many towels do you really need to have for this purpose? I think we have about 10 towels shoved on that shelf. Hmmmmmmm. How many do I really need?

I opened the cupboard doors. Eek! Cleaning supplies. There was one shelf devoted to supplies, do I ‘need’ all of them? Can I get by with just the Sprayway and Comet and a couple of sponges? Can I part with the stainless cleaner, the brass polish, the wood polish, and the Swiffer dry and wet clothes that are all used on occasion? Granted, it isn’t nearly the extensive cleaning supply inventory that my mother has in her home, but it does take up an entire shelf. This is going to be harder than I thought.

Other items in the cabinets include: dozens and dozens of canning jars, lids and rings. Honestly I think I can probably ditch a lot of these. Let’s be real, I haven’t done any canning in years. But if I have more time would I? I also find more ‘party’ items–remember I like to have what I need for any type of entertaining. This cupboard spews forth several of these items. A bag full of floating candles. A bag full of votive candles. Two boxes of clear votive candle holders–different sizes (I use these not just for decorating tables with candles. One time I catered a rehearsal dinner with an Italian theme, I filled the large ones with parmesan/romano cheese blend the small ones with red pepper flakes. They were perfect! Maybe I can fit those into my other ‘party supply’ boxes? which I am beginning to think might make it into the ‘need’ column.)

Flashlights, batteries of all sizes, bucket of extension cords, suntan lotions, bug sprays, boxes of different sized garbage bags, bottles of countertop sealer, ace elastic bandages (oh and a sling!), and several other items. Each is significant, but are all worth keeping? Picnic baskets, serving baskets of different sizes, cupcake holder/stand (you know the kind that you can put 2 dozen cupcakes on–another ‘party’ serving item), large stainless mixing bowls. These are just some of the items that grace the cupboards of my utility room. That isn’t even getting into the coats, shoes, hats, mittens and gloves that are hanging in the area under the stairs. How am I ever going to decide what makes the ‘need’ list and what makes the purge list?

Again, this is going to be harder than I thought. After all, I may end up with a mere utility closet or what happens if I end up in a place where the washer and dryer are down the hall?? I'm not freaking out, I just am making myself aware that I need to be ready for real change. That's ok, I think I am up for it.

Downsize Step 1: Kitchen

2011-06-23T07:35:00.000-07:00

I got home from work today and I had a mini fit. Not a huge fit, just a mini fit (the kind that only I realize I am having). The reason for the fit? I started looking around the house and was annoyed by the mountains of ‘stuff’ that we have accumulated. It is not that our house is cluttered or jam packed. It is not that our closets are overflowing (although the one at the top of the stairs, does need my attention). It is just that our house is not in a state that we could easily pack everything into 20' truck and move across town in one trip. I understand that there are 5 of us, but the amount of things we have is exasperating to me.

Four years ago we went thru this exact same thing. We sold our home of many years and moved into half the square footage. It was liberating. At the time we shed ourselves of many, many things. I remember wanting to purge even more, but the rest of my family members could only go so far. While we definitely have a lot less than we did then, we still have more than I care to keep, maintain, and frankly dust.

Room by room I walked. I looked in closets, corners, cupboards and crannies. I was hard pressed to open a single drawer that didn’t contain something. So how do you decide what you keep and what you get rid of?

The kitchen. This is a tough one. When I have the time, I like to cook. When I cook I like to have the proper tools. Nothing drives me nuts more than wanting to re-create a tasty dish and I find that I don’t have the proper tools. This includes spices. I have an entire cupboard that is packed with spices and other basic ingredients for whipping up a variety of things. Yes, I honestly do feel the need to maintain 3 types of salt in my cupboard: the standard iodized, sea and kosher. I have used each of them the last 2 weeks. I also like to have several kinds of pepper: black, colored peppercorns for grinding, red pepper flakes, ground red pepper, and ground white pepper. The ingredients in my ‘spice cupboard’ go on and on. Not that long ago I weeded thru that cupboard, I don’t think I can weed it down anymore. BUT, what if we sell our house and I have to move into a place with a kitchen that won’t allow me to have a dedicated 4 shelf high spice cupboard? How do I decide what I keep?

The rest of the cupboards and drawers are filled with dishes, glassware, serveware, pots, pans, knives, strainers, measuring cups, pantry ingredients and of course specialized items like my lime press. Can I get hard core with myself and part with my glass punch bowl, or my 30 cup coffee pot? What about my boxes of 'party' items--those boxes that have extra wine glasses, tablecloths, and specialized serving dishes. What about the stack of plastic serving trays or my Kitchen Aid stand mixer or my food processor? What about the panini grill? I just used that one last night for dinner.

I reflect back to the times that we have traveled in Mexico and stayed in host homes. I am always amazed (and embarrassed) to compare our lifestyle to the lifestyle of those families. We are SO excessive in comparison. The kitchens in those homes are very modest. Usually there is a small cooktop and refrigerator and maybe a length of counter. There are no cupboards but generally open shelves which contain a few basic skillets and a pot or two. An oven is a luxury (I think we have stayed in one home with an oven). There are a handful of basic plastic dishes, cups and cutlery that are all washed immediately after a meal and put back away. That being said, we have eaten some of the most amazing meals created in those simple kitchens. So why am I having a hard time deciding what the bare bones kitchen would look like for me?

I will cover the other rooms later.

The Inferior Mother

2011-06-22T11:30:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been questioning my parenting style. Maybe ‘questioning’ is not the proper term. I’m not sure what the proper term is. It might be more accurate to say that I have been ‘comparing’ my parenting style to others. I live in small community where a lot of the mothers are able to stay at home full time with their children; or at least they are at home full time until their kids are all school age. Then one by one a lot of Moms return to the work force, but not all of them.

A majority of the moms I know who hold jobs outside of their homes work part-time. The exception are those that are teachers or those whose kids are all in high school or beyond. Many of the moms that are able to be at home full time, volunteer, some of them A LOT. I am always appreciative of those Moms who put in their volunteer time, please know that it does NOT go overlooked by me. During my tenure as a ‘mom’, I have held all sorts of work schedules. I’ve worked full-time to no-time to everything in between. The only time periods when I haven’t worked at all have been surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent births of my kids, or time off for surgery and recoup. This is how it works for us and I’ve been ok with that. But, I have a problem with insecurity when it comes to those moms who have been able to stay at home full-time. They make me feel inferior.

I know that I am a good Mom, but I also know that I am not a candidate for ‘mom of the year’, or ‘super mom’. I sometimes ignore my children when they speak to me. I occasionally get annoyed when they ask me for things (especially when I have just returned from the grocery store). I forget the details of their schedules that they have repeated to me who knows how many times. I do not volunteer to be in their classroom, drive the school bus or van, or organize a class gift for the teacher and/or coach. I do not host the end of year party, the end of season party or anything in between, although kids are in and out of my home with frequency. I have served on ‘playground duty’ maybe once when my middle child was in first grade. I don’t like to bake for bake sales (although contrary to other community moms’ beliefs I am an excellent cook–I just don’t like to take the time to bake). Bottom line, I don’t like to volunteer for [insert task at school here]. However, if called upon I will clear my schedule and fit these things into my schedule if required, but I RARELY ever volunteer for such tasks.

In spite of all of these things that I do not do, I know that I am a good Mom. I am a ferocious advocate for my kids–but I also know when to back off, hold my tongue, and let my child chose to advocate for themselves. I gave/give my children room to participate in activities with me not being there. More often than not, I sat out on class field trips and/or class trips. That being said, I don’t think I ever missed an event that my child asked me to attend. If I did it was because of dire illness or hospitalization of myself or another immediate family member. I have no problem saying ‘no’ to my kids when necessary. I also like to surprise them with little things and the unexpected ‘yes’ to those questions that they know are a longshot, but which they get up the courage to ask anyway. I love my kids and I know that they love me. I love the individuals that they are, each of them not afraid to speak their minds, yet cognizant of others right to have an opinion contrary to their own.

So why do I feel inferior to those other moms that do all of the things that I do not do? Why do I feel like I am inadequate in my role as mother because I am not organizing family game night?

My mom was a full time stay at home Mom. My father forbid her to work. Financially we needed her to work, but he put his foot down and seriously forbid her to work outside the home. Instead, she was at home and miserable. She also never volunteered for the myriad of things that I have listed. Instead, she filled her hours with obsessively cleaning, organizing, labeling and manicuring anything and everything that was in her sights. To this day I cannot convince her that her worth is not measured by how well she keeps the flowerbeds that surround her rented apartment. I’m guessing that she felt inferior to other moms as well, only my guess is she felt inferior to those moms that DID work outside the home.

So the inferiority continues from generation to generation. I hope that line stops with me.

P.S. The Disclaimer: I am in no way trying to critique moms who have chosen a different path than me. Rather, expressing how I often feel inferior to moms who have been able to spend more time directly involved in their kids' lives. I often feel that I don't 'measure up' to them. One such example that made me shrink was a few weeks ago when I was invited to an event where everyone was to bake a pan of bars to share--then bring the recipe to share to boot. Being a day where I was at work for most of it, I opted to make a pan from a box mix and in my quirky humor fashioned a recipe card out of the box label. Upon arriving, one of the moms (who has always enjoyed being at home full time and who is an excellent baker and dessert maker) commented 'I wondered how you were going to handle this one because I know you don't cook'. Now while I knew my reasons for using the box mix, and while I knew that I can in fact whip up amazing meals without recipes, I still felt inferior. Nevermind that my daughter thought my whole idea was hysterical and brilliant. In other words, it was NOT the other mom's fault, it was my own and THAT frustrates me.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

2011-06-21T14:41:00.000-07:00

I just left the high school. I have been trying to schedule Annika’s 9th grade year. The process shouldn’t be that difficult. I think I may have bit thru my tongue. Pretty sure it is at least bleeding. I wish someone could explain to me how a principal of a high school doesn’t understand that some kids have struggles with learning and so the district needs to be a little more flexible with these kids AND that if a parent makes a suggestion about what would work best for their child to succeed it should be heeded.

It shouldn’t be this difficult. Lynden public schools has a pretty easy system. You have 2 semesters, and 4 classes per semester. In March, when we registered Annika for this fall, we put in some very specific requests for Annika. These requests were based on specific, well thought out recommendations by our shrink for how to best handle Annika’s schedule. So, in March, we filled out our paperwork, we submitted it along with our note explaining why we were requesting the order of classes. I also had an email exchange with the head of Special Ed outlining what we had submitted. No problem he said, we will get back to you. I didn’t hear a thing until I e-mailed last week asking where we were at in her schedule.

It shouldn’t be this difficult. This is what we asked for:

First Semester: Math, Guitar, English, Digital Communications (guitar is the only elective)

Second Semester: World Geography, Science, Study Skills, Art (art is the only elective)

This is what we got:

First Semester: Nutrition, English, Guitar, Science

Second Semester: Math, Digital Communications, Geography, Study Skills

Now on the surface it doesn’t seem like too many changes right? Here is the problem, Annika will not have Math for 7 MONTHS. This FREAKS.ME.OUT.

Math is Annika’s trigger point. Math is the class that Annika tests well below her grade level. Math is the reason why Annika has an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan). Annika qualifies for services based on her current “disability” in Math. When Annika was younger, and her anxiety was peaked, she missed out on learning A.LOT. Math is the biggest one of those things she missed. During 8th grade she made a lot of ground in Math. Now I fear that she will lose all of that. The principal I met with was less than helpful. He just stared at me blankly. I asked him for help in figuring out ways that we can get her math services during first semester. No response. Finally after stating for the third time ‘I need your help to help us figure out how to keep her successful in her learning’, he responded that maybe there was some sort of Math curriculum on CD that he could get for us. GOOD.FRIGGIN.GRIEF.

I find it hard to believe that I am the only parent that has this concern about a child with learning issues in a particular subject. If you have a student that qualifies for services in Math or English, is it wise for that child to go without that class for half of their school year? I know that there are several proponents for year round education based on the logic that large breaks from school make even the average students forget what they have learned. Apparently I am the only one that has heard that–because today the principal kept looking at me going ‘well this works for 850 students, I don’t think it is wrong’. No, you ding-bat I didn’t say it was wrong, what I said is that I know it won’t work for MY child and I am sure there are OTHER children that it doesn’t work for either so WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS?

It shouldn’t be this difficult. Should it??

Family Vacation

2011-06-20T10:03:00.000-07:00

I'm getting annoyed. We have been trying to line up a summer family vacation since January. Finally in May we decided we better get something on the books or the entire summer would pass (like last summer) and we will have had no time away as a family. We aren't trying to plan much, just a few days away at a house on the water in Poulsbo. It shouldn't be that difficult to get 5 people (possibly 6, we would like Josh's gf Evy along too) out of town for 5 nights. Sure we have to drive a couple of hours and take a ferry to our destination, but that shouldn't be THAT difficult, should it?

The summer calendar is full of important things like work, classes, weddings, appointments, meetings, fair week (to some of us that is important). The older everyone gets the less free blocks of time there are. So you prioritize and we booked the vacation for mid-July.

This weekend we debated the dates again and some of us decided that maybe the dates should be switched. Arrggghhhhhh, so I e-mailed the owner of the rental house and she graciously said we could change the dates. While it was a majority decision to change the dates it was not a unanimous decision. I know I will hear some grief about the changed dates. Why is it SO difficult for us to block ourselves out of all obligations for 5 days?

I think Annika's shrink was right, there are 'committed' people and 'non-committed' people. We joked with her that we should be committed. She said that for people (like us) that make commitments and stick with them life can be very stressful and involve burn-out most of the time. I like that we make commitments and are dependable and reliable. BUT, sometimes I wish we could be the type of people that don't make commitments--you know the ones I mean. The ones that when you ask them 'would you be able to [insert item here]', the response usually goes something like: 'well sure if we are around, we aren't sure what we are doing yet'. This kind of response always makes me crazy--maybe it makes me crazy because I am jealous. I don't think I could EVER do that and maybe secretly I wish I could?? No, we are the type of people that if someone asks us if we are available we answer definitively. No wiggle room. I've even gone so far as to say (on too many occasions to count): 'you let me know when and I will make it work'. I think it may be time for us to start consciously building in wiggle room, but it goes against the grain for me.

WE.ARE.GOING. on vacation for 5 days at the end of the summer--for better or for worse. I'm already stressing about how I'm going to get my job covered. *sigh*

For Sale: 1 home and lots of "stuff"

2011-06-18T18:07:00.000-07:00

Well we did it. After the culmination of months of discussion we put the For Sale sign in the front yard. That’s right, it is official (or at least Craig’s-List-For-Sale-By-Owner-sign-out-front- house-for-sale-web-page official). Of course the questions have started. That is fine, it is all part of it, I would be the same way. A sampling of questions:

1. ‘Why? Curious. Wish we could buy it.’

2. ‘Did someone pull a prank on you an put the sign in your yard?’

3. ‘Are you moving out of the area?’

4. ‘Why would you want to sell your house?’

5. ‘Where are you going?’

So it begins. The main reason we are selling, M-O-N-E-Y. There I said it. That thing that Dutch people don’t like to talk about. I suppose to say that so succinctly doesn’t really explain it in enough detail to satisfy all questions. Bottom line, income has gone down and expenses continue to go up. While some of the choices for the income going down have been our own (namely me giving up my big law firm paycheck to maintain my sanity and hopefully restore my health), some reasons for income going down have been out of our control. The expenses going up? Again some reasons we take full responsibility for, others completely out of our control.

‘It is just a house’. I find that I have repeated this phrase to several during the last few days. I honestly mean it. While this ‘house’ is currently our ‘home’ I know that we can make a home anywhere, even if that ends up meaning our next home is half this size again. I’m ok with giving up my custom-designed and built home. It was a fun project (although honestly some of the fun of building was taken away as it was during a very difficult time of our lives), but I am finished with it now and ready to see where I can create a home next.

My difficulty with all of this is going to be the part where I need to be still, and P-A-T-I-E-N-T for God to reveal the where, when and how we are going to move from this house. I have this problem with making decisions. No, it is not that I can’t make decisions, I can with no problem. I can also make them and not waiver and go back on them. No, my problem is that once I make them I want the decisions carried out and plans implemented immediately. So while I made the decision in my head many, many months ago that as soon as Kirsten graduated we would put the house up for sale, others in my household have taken a little more time to get on board. So while the sign just went up yesterday, I am already planning the king of all garage sales where we sell EVERYTHING. Ok, maybe not everything, I want to keep my Grandma Johnson’s and my Auntie Al’s china that I inherited. Everything else can really go. Oh and ok, with the exception of my sewing room contents...I really love that Viking embroidery machine I have and those stacks and stacks of fabric that I have projects planned for–those I really would like to keep.

Which brings me to the next thing I am going to have to process with the other members of my household: what to keep and what to get rid of. I believe that is going to be enough material for SEVERAL blog entries.

Stay tuned....

Graduation

2011-06-13T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well it is done. Kirsten successfully graduated from high school. The parties are done, the presents are opened, the leftover party food is packed away. We survived. Exhausted, but alive! While we had no doubt that she would graduate, with honors, we are proud of her accomplishments. Kirsten graduated second in her class--she received this neat little plaque naming her as 'Salutatorian'. I keep having to check the spelling on that word. I know that she didn't have a huge class (93 graduated), so I know her odds were good, but she worked hard and we are proud of her. The Valedictorian, Kendra (aka Kendy) is a girl she has known since birth, the youngest daughter of good friends. We figured that the difference between the girls' cumulative GPAs can be broken down to Kendy doing Concert Choir (which gives you some extra GPA points) and Kirsten failing to achieve an 'A' out of Mr. DeHoog's Freshman PE class (that is subject matter for another blog entry all on its own). In other words, they both worked really hard to achieve their high honors.

We are proud of her. But it isn't for reasons like the salutatorian award or the list of scholarships awarded. No, the real reason we are proud has to do more with what people have shared about her to us. During the past few weeks we have heard from many different people about how they feel about Kirsten. Staff, administration, teachers, parents of friends, classmates. Adjectives such as 'kind' and 'caring' and 'responsible'. Phrases like: 'her smile just lights everything up'; 'I know I can count on her to always get it done'; 'she is such a nice, nice girl'; 'Her servant heart is apparent'; 'She has a heart for mission'. Those are the things that make us the most proud; knowing that she is living her life mindful of others, caring for others and being kind to others. We teased with someone that it was 'good parenting' but the reality is that it is ALL her and how God works thru her. We tried to show her the way, but she is the one who made the choice on how she wanted to live and react and think about and with those she comes into contact with.

I know this may seem a little braggy. I am mindful that it may come across that I think my child is perfect...nope, she has her faults and failures just like the rest of us. But for the past week, we have been operating in an 'it-is-all-about-Kirsten' mode and it is ok sometimes to brag it up a bit.

Annika, Kirsen and Joshua...her siblings were pretty proud of her too!

Happy Graduation Kirsten! Can't wait to see what happens next!

Speaking of Invites...

2011-06-07T15:53:00.000-07:00

So I had an interesting question posed to me today. I was having a discussion with someone that I consider to be a friend. We had invited them to Kirsten's graduation party because: a) we enjoy them, b) we wanted to celebrate Kirsten's graduation with people that we enjoy spending time with and c) if it was their child graduating I would hope that they would include us in their celebration because we would like to share special moments with them as well. We have had these people in our home socially, we speak with them regularly, we attend church with them. We LIKE them and we wanted to share a happy moment with them. But today, I was hurt when they said to me:

"I don't get this graduation party thing--I don't want to offend, but I am curious as to why we were included...I understand why we were invited to [Name]'s party because we DO things with them, but we don't really know Kirsten" (slight paraphrasing because my mind is shot, emphasis added).

Sadly, after our conversation, I was again reminded that there are people in this world that view invites as an obligation to give something and it makes them uncomfortable. That was NEVER my intention with any of our invitees. Honestly we wanted to invite people into our home to join us in celebrating the beginning of Kirsten's adulthood. We wanted to share something fun with others.

Now I know that I just wrote about why on earth we received invite to someone else's grad party. I believe I posed query because the party that invited us had previously deemed us people who would abuse their child, so why on earth would they want us at their home? The invitors were also people that we NEVER SPEAK TO. This is far from the case with those that we invited to our home. I am not so dense that I don't realize that the recipient of my invite obviously had the same questions I did--'WHY ARE THEY INVITING US?'.

I tried to make light of it, because I was suddenly filled with emotion and hurt. I tried to joke with my invitee that we have had a lot of people distance themselves from us the last few years and that since they were people that still talk to us, we wanted to invite them. Dean and I believe the distance with many is because of our lives becoming a little too messy for some people's comfort zones--we know most people aren't real comfortable around acute mental illness situations. We also are aware that people maybe stopped calling us because the incredible stress, financial strain and chaos that is our lives the past few years doesn't always make us the most fun people to hang out with, HOWEVER that doesn't mean that we don't yearn for socializing with others. That doesn't mean that we don't mourn those lost social invites and friendships.

I still don't think my invitee really understood what I was trying to say. I finally told them that they were under no obligation to celebrate with us--we just wanted to extend the invite.

So, if you got an invite from us, WE DON'T EXPECT A GIFT. That isn't WHY we invited you. We extended an invitation to our home to celebrate a milestone in our daughter's life. We thought you might like to share our joy. AND, if you didn't receive an invitation from us and were expecting one, I apologize. We thought you might question 'why are they sending us this?' and we didn't want you to feel obligated.

Age difference

2011-06-01T12:56:00.000-07:00

I am at job #2 today. We had a new receptionist start. Actually she isn't entirely 'new', she worked for us a few years back and has now returned. So, we were standing around talking and she notices my foot. My foot is a mess today...it looks like I dropped a brick on it. The reality is that my darn bursitis is acting up. Awesome. So our conversation went something like this:

Her: "What happened to your foot?"

Me: "It is bursitis inflammation"

Her: "What is that?"

Me: "Something old people get"

Her: "Oh, it looks horrible. Do you want to see my bruise?"

Me: "Sure"

Her, pulling pantleg up reveals a large bruise covering her knee.

Me: "What happened?"

Her: "Oh, I was drunk and tried to jump into a boat this weekend, I didn't make it."

Me: "Your story is much more interesting than mine".

And I was again reminded of our difference in age....

Under the Heading 'Awkward Invites'...

2011-05-31T16:42:00.000-07:00

So as you know, Kirsten is graduating soon. We are in the midst of graduation party preparations, plans and invites. We got an interesting invite in the mail today. I'm not sure what to do about it or why we got it. I find myself analyzing the intent of the sender.

The invite was addressed to 'The Haan Family'. Nothing too unusual there. It was for a classmate of Kirsten's. Again, not too unusual. This is a kid that is within one of her social circles. I don't think I have ever actually really talked with this kid to any degree (he has been in my home however), but he does fall within one of Kirsten's social orbit circles. Again, all not that strange. We don't talk with his parents. They certainly aren't on our social calendar. We don't attend church together. We don't speak to each other at school or social events. So I found it a little odd. But you know why I really am spinning about the sender's motivation??? The mother of this graduate is the same woman that called Child Protective Services on us three years ago when Annika was in her downward spiral--you know the call that was heard 'round the world' and was the turning point for us placing Annika in residential treatment. Uh-huh, weird one huh??

So why the invite?

Kirsten's last senior picture photo shoot.

2011-05-30T11:40:00.000-07:00

I think I am safe in posting the pictures here. I was tempted to post on Facebook, but Kirsten hasn't seen them yet (and she is sleeping in right now), so I thought I could get them here without incurring her wrath.

Warning, I am going to brag that my daughter is photogenic. There, that is it, she is SO photogenic..no make-up, just a little Bert's Bees and she is good to go. How does that work??? I brag and yet I am SO jealous of this. Is it ok to be jealous of your child??? A week ago, she decided she wanted to have a few more senior pictures taken. A gal from our church who has an amazing eye, helped us out. Here are just a few of those pictures:

and of course....

THANK.YOU.ALYSSA, for capturing Kirsten so well!! You are amazing!

I'm going to miss that smile around every day....but SO excited for her!

Happy 21st Birthday Joshua!

2011-05-25T13:11:00.000-07:00

a few years ago...

It is true, I am mother to a 21 year old! Today is Joshua Michael Haan's 21st birthday. He is currently in Paris, studying (or at least that is what the college tells me he is doing so that I will still feel the need to send tuition payment). Seriously, I know he is studying (or should I say learning) as he treks his way between France, Italy and Switzerland. He is winding down this adventure and should be home soon. This is the first time that we have not been able to celebrate his birthday together. Last year I don't believe we were with him on his EXACT day, but we were able to celebrate together. I WAS able to i/m with him earlier today, so I know that he was planning on eating dinner out and was enjoying his day.

I told him he needed a haircut before he left....isn't that what mother's do???

It is had to believe that 21 years has passed. I can still remember the morning he was born. Still remember his strength as a newborn to hold his head up on his own and look around. That should have been my first clue that he was going to be the ever-observant human that he still is today. He doesn't make a lot of noise, but he is very discerning and has taught me a thing or two about being still and observing.

Happy 21st birthday Joshua! I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you! Love you always, Mom

Switzerland (I think)

End of the Season

2011-05-22T16:43:00.000-07:00

(Disclaimer: This entry is about me and my feelings. I have NO ill feelings towards the other girls on the team, or to their parents. I LOVED watching all the girls play and enjoyed cheering them on to their victories and felt genuine sadness at their losses. This is about how I felt during the course of the season.)

Yesterday was Kirsten's last softball games of the season and of her grade school years. Collegiate organized sports are not someting in her future, although my hope is that she will enjoy many, many years of intramural and community league play. I hope and pray that her desire and enjoyment of playing softball was not completely quelled by her senior year season. She is young and resilient and positive so I think she will move on quite quickly. Me, on the other hand, am old, not so resilient and a bit more jaded after enduring her senior year season, IF that is possible. hahaha

This season was a difficult one to endure as a parent. It was a season where we saw our daughter remain in the dugout. For the first couple of games, we thought maybe the coach was keeping her out of harm's way because she had broken her face in practice. As the games continued, and the weeks stretched out, we could no longer give him that as an excuse. Coach Mitch had decided that Kirsten had no value to him as a member of his team. It became crystal clear that he had no intention of letting her contribute to 'his' team in a meaningful way. He had decided that her contribution would consist of cleaning out the dugout and hauling gear to the bus or equipment shed at the end of the games. His stat keepers were given more respect than our daughter. This realization was very difficult to understand.

I readily admit that Kirsten is not the strongest player. She is not a strong natural athlete with regard to organized sports. However, she has played softball since she was in grade school. The last two years she had played catcher and her coach often told us that she was a great player, and one that he could count on to be able to place anywhere and she would succeed. She spent the last two years crouching behind home plate as the team's main catcher. The first year, breaking in new pitchers and last year, being part of a great pitcher/catcher team. Her batting average was one of the best of her team. But this year was different, this year, she switched to Coach Mitch and she never stood a chance.

I will never understand what his motivation was for benching her the entire season. Sure, she would sometimes be put in during the last inning for an at-bat. Some of those at-bats resulted in a RBI or a solid base hit. Most of the time, her confidence shot from lack of any coaching the entire season, she would walk back to the dugout after a strike out. She always kept a smile on her face, but it tore her up. It tore me up everytime during that last inning when he would decide to put her up to bat. I knew that she would have a huge struggle...after all how could you not? Ignored practice after practice, game after game, by a coach that could have cared less what she might have to contribute to his team. If your Coach has no confidence in you, how do you have any in yourself? The thing that burned me the most was the thought that when she would get up and strike out, it made her look like a shitty player, something I knew she wasn't. Occasionally he would consult his 'schedule' and grant her the privilege of helping an outfielder warm up, or putting her in as a pinch runner. But these instances were few and far between. But, we continued to go to her games. As parents, we made a decision that we would go and sit with her, knowing full well that we weren't going to watch her play. No, we went because she was part of a team and we wanted to support that team. We went because if she was going to endure bench time, we would be right there with her and endure it with her.

I know that my oldest daughter is an amazing person, inside and out. I know that she is gifted in many areas. I marveled at her maturity in keeping a positive attitude, and a smile on her face. I appreciated her willingness to clean out the dugout each time. I praised her for her stance that there was no way she would quit the team, even though she knew after the first couple of weeks that her fate was dugout time. She told us that she had made a commitment and she was sticking with it, even though the rejection and humiliation were sometimes hard to take. Dean and I tried to handle it with grace, but sometimes we failed, miserably. We hope that the parents that we shared our grief with weren't too sick of listening to us. Before every game we would promise ourselves to do our best to keep our mouths shut and only encourage those girls that were playing, not complain that our Kirsten was in the dugout, again. Sometimes we managed this, and sometimes the pain of disappointment and heartache for our daughter's humiliation and rejection bubbled up and opened our mouths. For, that we are truly sorry. We tried, we tried really hard, but sometimes we failed.

We enjoyed the time spent with the other parents. Honestly, the way our lives have been the last several months, that was our only true social time which we truly crave and needed. We enjoyed watching the other girls play and their small triumphs on the field. I cheered and screamed as if those girls were my own daughter and I did it with deep sincerity. And then sometimes, I was quiet, fighting tears, and the deep, hollow lonely feeling that was inside of me. I didn't want to project those dark feelings on others. It wasn't their fault that their daughters were playing and mine was not. That loneliness was physically painful at times, but pain builds character right?

So yesterday, when the girls' season ended at Tri-Districts I was filled with a lot of emotion. I was disappointed that the girls' season had ended. I was saddened that Kirsten's organized school sports days were over. But, there was also a part of me that felt relief. Relief that I would not have to endure the pain for another game. I know some may read this and think I need to get a grip--it is only sports! But it was more than that, it was watching your child be rejected, overlooked and de-valued. That was something that will take me a little bit to get over.

It hit.

2011-05-18T18:19:00.000-07:00

It hit. Our life has been so chaotic lately that there hasn’t been much room for deep felt emotion. Sure, there has been frustration and annoyance, but not the other kind of emotion. The emotion I am talking about is that which surrounds the fact that Kirsten is graduating from high school in a matter of weeks. Last night it hit me.

Last night was Lynden Christian’s 5-12th grades orchestra concert. The final one of the year. The final one of Kirsten’s pre-college education. We showed up early, only to realize we forgot the camera. Dean ducked out and was back in time for the first number of the evening. Whew! The high school orchestra played last so it gave us some time to sit and be still. That is when it hit.

I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and be still this year. Even during church, I am unable to ‘sit and be still’. So last night was it. The first half of the concert was filled with the younger grades showing off what they had learned in orchestra class this year. The 5th grade orchestra, which our friend Dan calls the ‘screechy scratchys’ was first. They actually did quite well. Then the 6th grade orchestra, then the 7-8th grade orchestra. A short intermission/offering time, then we were on to the top guns. The high school students. The guys were dressed in black tuxes and the girls wore their black full length concert dresses. They looked quite impressive. Kirsten’s blue viola bow always stands out, well to me anyway. There she sat, front and center, her seat for the last 8 years, right next to one of her BFFs, Erika. She sat straight and tall, in concert poise with her viola resting upright on her leg and her bow at the ready. I suddenly realized, THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME.SHE.WILL.PLAY.FOR.SCHOOL.

Where did that time go? I felt a tear well up with the realization that my true ‘work’ with her is finished. She is ready to head into her first stage of adulthood, without me. Sure we have the summer, but after she graduates in a few weeks, for all intents and purposes, my real work with her is done. She is 18, finished with her grade-schooling, and will no longer be a physical-presence-part of our daily lives.

Kirsten and Kendra presenting Mr. VanSic with parting gifts.

I have never been the type of mom that mourns the progression of my kids’ childhood. I believe as a parent, it is my job to prepare them to move on and away from me. To be successful without me being a part of every aspect of their lives. I don’t want to control them, I want to teach them how to control themselves, make their own decisions, be confident in all situations when I am not physically present, advocate for themselves. But last night was strange. I have gone thru this before with Josh and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him advance thru his college years. This was different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was sad that her high school years were almost over.

This was a new feeling for me. I’ve always had a hard time relating to those moms that are sad when the summer vacation ends and school begins. I’ve listened to fellow high school seniors’ moms talk about how they aren’t ready for their child to graduate. On the contrary, I have been ready for her to graduate. That is, until last night. Hmmmm, maybe I AM a normal mom. Maybe I’m not the ‘cold hearted bitch’ that I tease my friends I am. Or maybe, I just need to sit and be still more often so that I can process ALL emotion.

Erika, Mr. Van Sic (VanSickle), Kirsten and Mijo

One thing is for sure. I enjoy my children, all of them. I also think we have done a pretty good job in teaching, instructing and guiding them into adulthood. Yes, my ‘work’ is done with Kirsten, now the real fun begins.

The Numbers Game

2011-05-11T15:15:00.000-07:00

It has been a while since I sat down to write. The last few weeks have been a big blur. I’m not really sure on what, other than just life. It seems that week after week we feel inundated and overwhelmed with ‘life’. Some of it is good stuff...like dinner last night where the four of us were able to actually sit down and eat at the same time. Usually when this happens, we spend a fair amount of our time laughing about something. Last night was no exception. Then, the meal was over, Dean was off to yet another meeting, Kirsten retreated to her room to tackle the mountain of homework, I cleaned the kitchen, made a few phone calls and then sat down with Annika to view our latest guilty pleasure, Law & Order SVU

This morning as I caught up on checkbook entries (that is NOT a good thing to do these days), I was sucked into the vortex of numbers. There have been a lot of them swirling around in my head the past few weeks. I wanted to share a few:

75,000: The amount in dollars that the gross tuition, room & board bill will be for both Josh and Kirsten to attend Seattle Pacific University next year. I know I keep harping on this number to some of you, but it BLOWS.MY.MIND. While the kids both have received scholarships and grants and student loans, the fact remains that the cost of college has gotten COMPLETELY out of hand. While SPU is a private university it is middle of the road in relation to other schools. For comparison, if Josh and Kirsten were to both go to a state university this fall the cost would be about $40,000 for both of them.

23,000: On a related matter, the amount that the federal government feels Dean and I can come up with to pay for Josh and Kirsten’s education. Uh-huh, no problem, let me just write you a check.

1: The number of houses we own that will be going on the market within the next month. Yup, we made a HUGE decision. We are in the process of putting our house on the market. We keep reminding ourselves it is just a house. Now we hope that it actually sells for what need it to so that we can have a little breathing room.

15: The number of hours a week I am supposed to work at church on a weekly basis. I am finding that more and more I am unable to get the increased workload done in this amount of time. While that is ok, I didn’t realize how chaotic it would be trying to work two part-time jobs. I work less hours, earn less $$ than I did on my previous work schedule but it seems like I have even less time AND it feels like I am always behind and not finishing something. I need to figure this one out before it completely drives me bonkers.

2: The number of times the last two weeks that I have ‘slept’ at the ‘Sleep Clinic’. I really feel this is a misnomer. ‘Sleeping’ in a room where there is a ‘hidden’ camera mounted from the ceiling directly over your bed, does NOT induce a peaceful sleep environment. I kept wondering if the camera covered the bathroom. As a bonus, I am expecting my very own C-Pap machine any day now. Won’t I be the envy of the block? Or at least of my family?

5: The number of nights that I was able to schedule for our family vacation this summer. I keep my fingers crossed that the time we have reserved will work for Josh and Evy,. Kirsten’s schedule was the one constant that I could count on, so we winged it and rented a house on the water a couple hours from home. It isn’t much time, but we are looking forward to it just the same.

29: The number of days left until Kirsten graduates from high school. We are slowly checking off her ‘final’ events of her high school career. Junior Senior Banquet night is done. [check]. AP Calc exam is finished [check]. The last game of the regular softball season was supposed to be today, but was rained out, hopefully tomorrow [check]. Over the next couple of weeks we will also be able to check off the final orchestra concert, senior presentation, national honors trip, senior skip day, district softball, tri-district softball, state softball??, and numerous papers and final projects and of course a few finals. The constant activity and stress level is KILLING me...I can only imagine what it is doing to Kirsten.

31: The number of days left until we have Kirsten’s graduation party. Now, all I have to do is get the invitations out in a timely manner. NO problem. Oh and did I mention that last night Kirsten decided that she really should get some spring senior picture shots....uh huh, no problem, I will get right on that. Monday? You would like them Monday? Ok then.

Well you get the idea.

Realizations

2011-04-13T12:37:00.000-07:00

Realization #1: The last week+ has been the usual state of frantic life. I hate it. We had our vacation(s) then we have to return home and pick right back up. I discovered that while on a normal basis I enjoy working my new job, it is a job that I cannot easily take time off of. That kind of stinks. I thought I would be able to kind of check out and it would be there when I got back. NO such luck. I ended up working just as many hours as I usual do, only this time it was in a more frantic pace. Trying to cram those hours into an evening and Saturday morning and a few hours on Friday just made me feel like I was completely behind, and overwhelmed. Next time I need some time off, I need to figure out a way to do it differently. Realization #1: So, apparenlty I have a job that allows me to take as much time off as I want, however, trying to actually take that time off is problematic.

Realization #2: My two oldest children have experienced Europe and may decide that they are good with living far, far away. Kirsten LOVED England. It sounds like she was an amazing traveler. Dean said she never really got flustered when they were lost and enjoyed all the sights and sounds that England had to offer. She mastered the public transportation system and was off and running. Josh has so far traipsed around Paris and now onto Florence, Italy. He sent a postcard, but other than that, our interaction has been purely thru Facebook postings and seeing his posted pictures. I am just thankful that Evy stayed here otherwise, he might not return. Realization #2--two of my children are all grown up and able to experience the world on their own.

Realization #3: Dean's Mom recently fell and broke her leg and ankle. What started as a difficult break turned into a really difficult break when she had massive swelling and the swelling resulted in a very fragmented ankle. Two surgeries later and she is headed to the health care center for what will probably be months of rehab. The possibility that she may have a hard time returning home alone after this looms. We anticipate a full recovery, but suddenly we were thrust into the 'what ifs'. My mother on the other hand seemed to be finally gaining some confidence. She is out and about, spending time with others and getting involved a little bit. Then we had a little mix-up and she scheduled a somewhat routine intestinal hernia repair surgery on my annual girls' weekend. Oops. That weekend is my sanity and it is sacred...I don't change it, without the death of someone near and dear involved. I didn't put it together until this morning and there was no way I could back out of my weekend (I leave Friday). My first thought was 'oh F***!', then I thought it wouldn't be that big of deal. Dean could get her there and he works a few blocks from the hospital. I was scheduled to fly home the evening of the day of surgery, so I could pick it up from there. She wasn't so sure. She just called me and told me that she decided to reschedule her surgery. She didn't feel like she could do it unless I was in town and at the hospital. So, Realization #3: My children may be growing up, but our mothers are more dependant on us than ever. We have officially entered 'that stage'.

Ah life...

Mini-Vacation

2011-04-05T08:36:00.000-07:00

I'm listening to Annika snore (again), only this time it is the morning of our last day of official vacation. We have had a great time. It has been more entertaining that I thought it would be..showing Annika downtown Seattle for the first time has been a kick.

She has been in Seattle many times. After all it is probably my favorite city to spend a quick weekend at. After all, it is where all my favorite extended family reside. And after all, it is where Josh attends college (and where Kirsten will be attending college as well). We have taken the kids to the waterfront, to Pike's Place Market, to the Seattle Art Museum, to Pioneer Square and many other sites, but Annika has never stayed DOWNTOWN Seattle.

Downtown is a nostalgic place for me. My first grown-up job was in the midst of the city, 6th and University. Every morning I would drive from my apartment on West Queen Anne, to my co-worker's apartment on Lower Queen Anne and we would walk from there to our office. My lunch hours were filled with time hoofing it around that downtown grid. I loved to frequent Nordstrom and use my beloved credit card with the $300 limit. You have to understand that I was 18 when I first started working downtown and my starting salary as a law firm receptionist was $850/month. I shared a one-room apartment with a college friend and we paid the exorbitant rent of $325/month. I LOVED that time. I felt so 'adult'. So to be able to spend a few days downtown showing Annika the center of the city has been a kick.

We splurged a bit. After all the justification was that Josh is currently living it up in Paris and Dean and Kirsten are in London. We booked a room at the Hyatt at Olive 8. Luckily we scored a really nice room rate. We had tried other hotels, but Annika needs to swim as part of her therapy, so our options were narrowed down a bit. Upon our check-in, we were greeted with this beautiful lobby:

Annika was 'WOWED'. First, she was shocked that you just pulled your car in, handed the keys to the valet and they went and parked for you. She was a little unsure of this, especially when I told her that we wouldn't need the car for the next three days...WE.WERE.GOING.TO.WALK.EVERYWHERE. Now, Annika is not big on walking, or hiking, or anything in between so she was a little worried. Until that is we actually got out and started walking. When she realized that everything we would need or want was within a few block radius, she LOVED.IT.

Then we checked into our room:

Now, our kids have stayed in many different hotels before, and I will readily admit I am a bit of a hotel snob when it comes to staying in hotels (although I have no problem staying in less than a 3 star when I travel outside the country), but this room made her gleeful. Especially when she got to look out the window at the sights of the city. When she found out we could order room service, she was hooked.

Then we went swimming:

Have you ever gone swimming in a saline pool?? Me neither, but I really liked it. The first day we headed down, Annika got to experience something new, NAKED.PEOPLE. No, no, don't get me wrong, people in the pool were fully suited up, it was in the accompanying bathroom (although I don't think that word sufficiently describes the beauty and amenities of this room). See, the second floor of the hotel was the pool, spa, yoga room, fitness room and yes AMAZING bathrooms. These bathrooms/locker rooms included a steam room, sauna, beautiful showers, and every luxurious amenity you could imagine. Towels, body lotions and soaps, hair care products, hair brushes, even mouthwash. Annika decided that she wanted to check out the steam room.

The steam room is a room with marble tiled steps that you can sit or lay on. Eucalyptus infused steam is pumped into the room. You leave that room luxuriant-feeling skin. Annika opened the door and looked in. She quickly backed out of the room when she saw that a lone female was laying on a step in all her naked glory. She rejoined me pool side and began to giggle. 'That I could have gone a lifetime without seeing', she said. She went on to describe her shock at a woman laying naked in a steam room. She waited a while and decided she would head into the sauna.

She returned in about 15 seconds, bursting with giggles. 'Uhm, those two older ladies that were out here swimming, they are in the sauna, NAKED.' We decided to remain poolside for a while. We watched the older gentleman swim, or his version of swimming. The guy had laid out towels along the edge of the pool where he placed his newspaper. Then, he got into the pool and walked over to where he had left his newspaper and proceeded to stand there and read. I'm not sure if he had promised someone he would go into the pool and this was the best he could manage or?? He stood there for about half an hour and then got back out. He walked over to his robe and proceeded to drop his swim trunks. Poor Annika happened to look over at THE most inopportune moment and was blessed with viewing the full meal deal. The man quickly put on his robe and left the pool deck. Annika, however, is scarred for a while.

Yup, it has been an entertaining stay.

Strange Dreams

2011-04-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

So Annika and I are on our little getaway Spring Break. She is currently snoring away as she grabs a little cat nap. Our sleep last night was interrupted. Staying at an airport vicinity hotel always is like that. We tried to go to sleep early. Lights were out at 9 pm, but then the 4 of us got the giggles and laughed for a while. Finally we were asleep until 3 am. Then the first round of vacation started--Dean and Kirsten got up and I ran them to the airport at 4 am. Back to the hotel where Annika and I watched 'Out of Africa' until about 5:30 am until we were able to go back to sleep. Back up a few hours later and we started our day. It has been a great one so far.

As I sit and listen to her snore, I am reminded of some of the strange dreams I have been having lately. I am sometimes a rather vivid snoozer, but lately I have had some doozies. I thought I would share just a couple. Maybe one of you three that still read this can give me some psychological input on what they mean.

Dream #1: I dreamed the other night that I was wearing a v-neck shirt. Not unusual, I often do that. We we traveling with an assorted cast of characters. At one point, I was riding in a crowded van that stopped abruptly. I was sent flying to the dash because I had no actual seat and instead was simply perched atop others. I returned to my perch and we continued on. Then we were walking down the street in a group. Suddenly my brother-in-law from California was there. He walked over to me and said simply 'uhm your boob is hanging out of your shirt'. I looked down and sure enough my boob had popped out of my bra and out of the v-neck and was just flopping around there. Everyone else seemed to be ignoring the incident, even Dean. I.WAS.HORRIFIED! I looked at my brother-in-law and I asked 'how long has it been that way????'. 'Oh about 1/2 an hour, I was just curious if you would notice.'.

Dream #2: I dreamed the other night that I was at the Dr. They said that I should really have a picc IV line put in my hand. I said no problem, I can do that and they agreed. I spent what seemed like a half an hour trying to insert my own picc line. I was SO proud of myself when I succeeded. I forgot the dream until later that day when I was visiting my mother-in-law in the hospital and I saw the nurse flush her picc line out. STRANGE.

Dream #3: I was dreaming something nonsensical. Thru-out the dream I kept hearing my cell phone ring. The ring was the ring the kids set for Dean--the theme from Monty Python's Search for the Holy Grail. I never could find the phone. Later I woke up and Dean was right with me and my phone was put away, so it definitely was not ringing in my sleep.

I hope tonight's dreams are more restful. I also think I shouldn't wear a v-neck for a while.

Anticipation

2011-03-28T11:41:00.000-07:00

Our house is going to be pretty busy this week. It is the week before spring break and some of us are pretty excited about that. The five of us aren't going to be all together this break, but we should each have a lot to share with each other when we all get back together. I think the only one that is going to miss out is Kaja, the Reigning Queen Kitty. She gets to stay home, alone.

my living room after the 'big dump'

Josh is finishing up his spring break. He came home a couple of weeks ago. I still am not used to the fact that we are at that stage where the kids have different breaks. I guess that is what happens when you have 1 kid in college, 1 kid in high school and another in jr. high. At least the girls' breaks are the same even though they are in different school districts. Next year Josh and Kirsten will have the same since it has been (almost) officially decided that she will be at SPU with big bro. Still trying to figure out how we will pay for 2 in college, but that is ok. It wil work out.

So, yes I digress. Josh is finishing his break. As reported earlier he returned home and emptied all of of his material possessions on the living room floor. From there they have been moved upstairs to his room and bonus room. Slowly he has been sorting. Wednesday morning he leaves for 10+ weeks in Europe. I think after he leaves I will be packing up a little bit more for him--otherwise, I fear that everything may stay where it is at until he returns to college in September. I'm excited for him to go and study abroad, but a little anxious too. His world will change after he experiences life in different countries. It did after spending time on mission trips in Mexico, so I am sure this will be no different. I'm excited to see what happens next. For now, we have just a couple more days of hearing French podcasts streaming from his computer.

the corner of our dining room

French movies--the things left around our house

unpacking? or packing? I can't tell.

I KNOW he has a system, but I wonder what is clean and what is dirty??

apparently, the weight set is a towel rack.

The rest of us are preparing to start our spring break. We decided to do things a little different this year. At first, Kirsten had been anticipating going on a trip with the high school Spanish class students. They are planning a week+ to Costa Rica. Kirsten thought about going, but the cost became something that she was having a hard time justifying--after all we told her she would be footing 1/2 the bill. Then, we were hoping to organize another group to go to Mexico for a service trip. When that fell thru, we had nothing big on the calendar for this year. Then I did our taxes. We were able to score another good size return this year, so I convinced Dean that he and Kirsten needed to take some of that money and go on a Father/Daughter trip. After all, the debt we have amassed was being whittled down, slowly...what was a few extra months? If we wait to have everything paid off and never do anything, the kids will be gone and out of the house and we will have missed the opportunities to make memories with them.

Kirsten has worked so hard and accomplished a lot in her life to date. She has often gotten shuffled to the side with all the time and energy that we put into Annika and her care and therapy. I wanted to let her know that we appreciated what a great kid she was and I wanted her and her Dad to have some good quality time together. They get along so well...they are such a pair those two. So, we did some checking and came up with a good option. We booked a trip for the two of them to go to England. The beauty was it was going to cost LESS than it would have cost for her to go alone to Costa Rica! We were stoked. Even though we knew that the decision to do this trip is ours and ours alone, we felt a little guilty. What would people think? We know that this is less than the 4 of us driving to Disneyland, or flying to Hawaii or a whole host of things, but if people hear they are flying to London, what will they think? On the one hand we know it doesn't really matter, but on the other hand it DOES matter. So we decided we would keep it a little under wraps. If someone point blank asked us 'where are you going for Spring Break?', we would GLADLY answer, but if no one asked, then we weren't going to offer up any info--after all if they wanted to know they would ask, right? If they don't ask, they don't care. It is not that we were trying to be deceptive, we just didn't want people to think we were bragging. And trust me, there were several times when I told people that Dean and Kirsten were going to go away for break and people never asked me where to, so my theory of they would ask if they cared was affirmed. Still that nagging 'what will people think?' keeps bugging me. We know this trip financially is not making a big dent, and even if it did that is OUR business. We meet all our financial obligations, we are paying down our mountain of medical-related debt, we just feel that we should enjoy a little life at the same time.

The last week a few people have asked what we are doing and we have answered. The reactions have been varied. I think the hardest reaction is when people make a strange comment...i.e., 'oh you going to participate in the London protests?'. Uh huh, we got that one. What I hoped for was a "that sounds great, I am glad you are able to do that." or a: "Oh good, Kirsten and Dean will have a fun time...glad they could do that." Nope we get 'what about those protests?', and I am left feeling VERY awkward and that I need to justify our decisions. Why do I do that to myself?

So we are eagerly anticipating the amazing time that Dean and Kirsten are sure to have. Annika is also VERY excited to have Spring Break alone with me. Since we have to take them to the airport, we decided that we would stay a few nights downtown Seattle and have a good time together shopping and relaxing. The last time just she and I were alone out of town, we were in Salt Lake City bringing her home from that dreadful Uinta. Annika has never stayed downtown Seattle, so she is pretty stoked to stay in the midst of the city in a high rise. I'm looking forward to no cooking, no work, and time spent swimming, reading, watching movies and yes, a little shopping.

So it will be a different year for us. Separate vacations. For us, it is the way it needs to be right now. To do extensive travel is difficult for Annika. For Dean and I to be aware from her for more than 2 nights is also not on the books this year. That is ok, it is just the stage that we are in with her therapy. But, we are trying to balance all the factors and still enable us to have some special, memory making times in the process. The last thing we want to do be sitting around with the kids 20 years from now and have them relaying stories about how we didn't get to do that much together when they were growing up. Or WORSE that they blame Annika that we had some missed opportunities. We have lived thru some rather stressful times the last 5 years and we have tried to find some balance with that--sometimes we failed and sometimes we succeed. We know that we have been blessed with what we have been able to experience with the kids--our mission trips to Mexico, our family vacations to Hawaii, Mexico, California, the East Coast and places more local. We know it is less than some families and more than others. I just hope that the kids will be able to look back and have good memories of our times together, even when those times that involved things that were rather difficult.

Book Club Failure

2011-03-21T16:09:00.000-07:00

I enjoy being in a book club, I just feel that I am a bit of a book club failure. I have good intentions. After we meet, I pick up the next month's book. It sits on my nightstand. For the first two weeks, I generally don't crack the cover. Then I begin to panic. I need to get that book done! So the third week I pick up the book repeatedly, look at the cover, read the jacket flaps, flip thru a few pages, and then I make it half way thru the first chapter. Then, I fall asleep.

Now I am down to the last week of the cycle and I.MUST.FINISH.BOOK. I took the book along this weekend for our little 23rd anniversary getaway. The word 'getaway' is a little deceiving, we checked into a fabulous hotel that is about 35 minutes from home. We were too exausted to put any more thought into planning for an anniversary weekend. We had a gift certificate to said hotel (check) and when I checked in we received a complimentary upgrade to a gorgeous suite (check) and I had packed wine, cheese, crackers, veggies, rum and mixers. (check, check, check, check). I was all set to sit and read my book.

I made it past the first chapter and the second and the third. In fact I have made it almost 3/4 of the way thru the book. I was feeling pretty smug. After all I have plenty of time to finish and I think I just might be able to attend this month's Book Club guilt free. I don't have to feign that I have read the entire thing...I am getting pretty good at reading portions from the beginning, middle and end of books during those months where I just can't seem to stay awake long enough to actually get thru the ENTIRE thing. Yup, I was feeling P-R-E-T-T-Y!P-R-O-U-D! I even decided that I could break from my reading to peruse a magazine.

My euphoria continued right up to the point where Dean picked up my book.

Dean: 'Book Club?'

Me: 'Yes'

Dean: 'Why does it say on the cover 'Young Reader's Condensed Version?'

Me: 'WHAAAATTTTTTT????'

Apparently the REAL book has 576 pages...my 'young reader's version' has only 250. Shhhhhhhh, I'm not going to tell...

Last Week

2011-03-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

I've been terrible about blogging. I guess maybe we have been so strung out that I haven't had the energy in my down moments to write. I have started many times, but my heart wasn't in it. I'm going to try to get back in the groove. Maybe I should promise myself to write something every day for the next 30. Maybe I get too in my head with content ideas. So here goes some randomness...our week last week:

Started Monday with my day off. I like my day off, only this time I had to go to the Dr. for a long overdue appointment. I love my Dr. (most of the time). We banter back and forth. I believe during this appointment he openly mocked me a few times and I told him to shut up at least 3 times. My mother would be horrified! shhhhh, don't tell her. Usually it goes like this: 'I have (insert horrible symptom here), what do you think?' Him: 'You are getting old'. Me.: 'Shut up'.

Me: 'I have gained weight without changing my diet and it is pissing me off'. Him: (laughter). Me: 'Are you mocking me?' Him: (laughter) Me: 'Shut up'.

I really shouldn't do this though, because usually in these appointments there comes a moment where he has to inject cortisone into my feet. This appointment wasn't any different. Long needle stabbed into not one, but both feet. If you have ever gotten a cortisone injection you know that it takes a while to get the syrupy substance shoved under your skin. I still have the bruises where the injections were, but my feet do feel a lot better.

The appointment ended with more tests being ordered and a new prescription for high blood pressure meds. (DING!) 5 points! Oh and the BEST part, I was told no caffeine for a few days until I took additional tests. (DING!) 50 points!

Tuesday was somewhat uneventful. Went to work at church. Staff meeting day, so Scott was there. Really the two of us shouldn't be allowed in a room together for very long. We laugh way too much. It is hard for people to get too serious around us too. His wife stopped in, leaving the kids in the van. She said good-bye. Then Scott notices that their van was driving out of the parking lot, with their kids inside but Amy was still in the building. Panic ensued for a few minutes until we realized it was a terrible practical joke and the prankster drove back into the parking lot with the children in tow. We all feigned polite laughter, but were a little rattled for a while. We had each had our cell phones at the ready to call 9-1-1 for fear that we had just seen a kidnapping. stress inducer-(DING!) 5 points! Dean had another meeting that night and returned home late. Joy.

Wednesday was my day to go to the Bellingham office. NOT my favorite thing to do. I was trying to adjust to the new blood pressure meds which make me very tired...more tired than I was already feeling. AWESOME (DING) 5 points! I got home and Kirsten came in from softball practice carrying an ice pack on her face. Dean and I were looking forward to our usual Wednesday evening at home alone, but it appeared that our plans were about to change. Kirsten explained she had taken a ball to the face and now her face and nose were numb. I called the Dr., wolfed down some dinner, and headed to the evening appointment. $30 copay later, the Dr. told us we needed to schedule a CT scan first thing in the morning. Oh no problem I thought....I am supposed to be at the medical testing center first thing in the AM for further heart tests. Dean was thrilled when I told him that he was on for the CT scan in the morning.

Thursday morning Kirsten's face began to look a little more colorful but the swelling was keeping in check. THANKFULLY Therapy Thursday with Annika had been cancelled due to Yoda being out of town for that week. I headed into Bellingham to the testing center and Dean and Kirsten headed into imaging. My 2 hour test took me 3 hours. The balding nuclear medicine doc kept looking at me, looking at the computer screen, looking at me, then he turned his head to one side and made the exciting announcment: well you show definite signs of heart disease. !!! 100 Points! I was S-T-O-K-E-D. I will review the scans more and let you know. I emptied my bladder and left the building. On the way home, I got a latte. Why not, what did I have to lose?

Part way home I received a phone call from Kirsten's Dr. The CT scan showed sinus/facial fractures. (DING DING DING!!!) 200 Points! I was told that an appointment with an ENT had already been scheduled, could I get her back to Bellingham by 2 pm? Sure, I would love to drive home and turn around and drive back. I called Dean and asked him to notify school. I swung thru a drive-thru and bought another round of cholesterol --again feeling like what do I have to lose...I've been trying to be so good and where is it getting me???

I pick up Kirsten and trudge back to Bellingham to meet with the Doc. He carefully examines her face, pushing here and pushing there. Looking to see what matches up and what doesn't. He leaves the room and returns with a copy of her CT scan. The bad news...she had 2 fractures of her cheekbone which caused a pinched nerve in her face (thus the numbness) and then there was another fracture to her sinus cavity which was what was causing the jaw pain. (DING DING DING!!!) 200 points! The good news...the fractures were clean and would require no surgery, the nerve wasn't severed and so should regenerate 100%. AND she would have no restrictions other than eating soft foods for a few weeks, AND she could fly the following day to her scholarship interviews at Whitworth. (DING DING DING!!!) Erase 200 Points! That evening we had a nice dinner with good friends. (DING DING DING)!!! Erase all points.

Friday was rather uneventful. I worked until 1:30 and then took Kirsten to the airport and she flew to Spokane for a weekend scholarship application process at Whitworth. I was so proud of her...it wasn't a huge deal, but she flew completely alone for the first time. She negotiated ticket counters, security, changing planes/gates, etc., looking for my dear friend Lisa in Spokane who graciously picked Kirt up at the airport and dropped her at Whitworth. Kirsten is very confident, but things like that can sometimes be a little intimidating for her. When she got home on Sunday, I told her she had now experienced a new level of freedom...traveling alone without a chaperone. She was pretty excited.

So while it was a red-letter week, in the end it was all good. While I have another excuse to kick my butt into shape. My family genetics are working against me in the heart health department, BUT I was told that I have nothing that can't be treated at this point with medication. Now, I just have to get the blood pressure under control and continue to exercise and eat right. Just shows what years of high stress and bad genetics will do...good grief 43 and already succumbing to heart disease? No worries, my Mother in Law told me it was really no big deal. hah!

oh, p.s....don't tell my mother I'm on high blood pressure meds...she isn't ready for that one yet! shhhhhhhh

I can't believe she is 18!

2011-03-02T11:09:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I am a couple of days late with this post. Kirsten turned 18 last Friday (February 25) and while my intentions were good to sit down and post a Happy 18th Birthday Kirsten! post, I failed, miserably. I won't list the legitimate excuses...my mom had surgery, I had work, I had to plan a birthday dinner for her and her friends, I had to go to a women's retreat, we had a couple of dr. appointments...nope, I won't give those up as an excuse. I just knew that I wanted to sit down and go thru some pictures before I posted.

She had an awesome birthday week. Extended family party, Josh home for a traditional, just the five of us family dinner out (although I would have been fine if Evy and Marcus could have joined us), and then of course the actual day where she hosted her friends for a Mexican feast and then 5-pin bowling in Canada. We were even able to pleasantly surprise her with her gifts--always a bonus!

Now she is 18 and ready to take the next steps into adulthood. Still trying to settle on a college, but that should be decided soon. I told someone last week that she is truly a joy to parent and I meant every word, WITHOUT sarcasm. Sure, we butt heads as every head-strong mother and daughter do, but she makes me smile and laugh every day. I'm excited to see her head off to school this fall, but I know I will miss having her around. I think her Dad will miss her more than me! For me, one of the most special moments of her birthday was when she shared a card that she had received from a teacher. This teacher had taken the time to write to her on her birthday telling her what a gift she was to him and how he enjoyed being able to teach her. It made me feel so good that someone in that position recognized what an amazing and giving person she is.

I love this child, as I love all my children. It feels good to know that she has reached legal adulthood and that she has turned out to be an amazing human being and young woman.

Happy Birthday Kirsten!

On a service project in Mexico.

He said WHAT????

2011-02-22T15:35:00.000-08:00

I’m annoyed. I’m annoyed because I would like someone, anyone, to rationally explain to me how Michelle Obama’s quest to educate people on better nutrition for our children is a bad thing. Someone? Anyone? The statistics don’t lie. In the last three decades, childhood obesity has tripled! The numbers are even higher for minorities where 40% of Hispanic and African American children are obese. These numbers are frightening. These skyrocketing statistics hurt ALL OF US, whether you lean left or right. Michelle Obama decided that this would be her cause. She started the “Let’s Move” (www.letsmove.gov) initiative which goal is to help raise a healthier generation. The movement seeks to help educate parents, children and schools on ways that we can turn the tide on this frightening trend of obesity in children.

From Day 1 of launching this initiative there has been nothing but criticism. Sarah Palin, started the negative ball rolling by touting repeatedly that government has no business telling her what she can feed her children. She reminds me of a jr. hi girl with all of her drama and exaggeration. For crying out loud, the initiative isn’t banning foods. The initiative isn’t taking away parental choice. The purpose is to EDUCATE people that there is a healthier way to feed our children. It aims to EDUCATE people that our food choices matter. Our children today spend more time sitting in front of screens than being outside MOVING. Again, I ask how can backing an initiative that promotes healthy eating and exercise be WRONG?

My Mother was terrible at providing us with healthy eating choices. To this day, I am addicted to Coca Cola because there was no limit on how much I could consume as a child. Maybe if it hadn’t been so readily available for consumption during my formative years, I wouldn’t have such a hard time going a day without it. I don’t even remember us really having real fruit juice in the house. Sure, I remember TANG, the preferred drink of astronauts, but seriously, there is more sugar in that than Coke. Thankfully, my Mother loved milk, so that is still something I enjoy today, and which probably is the reason that I had SOME Vitamin D in my system (although .2 isn't that high of a reading). I’m not saying my Mother is to blame for all my poor eating habits, but she certainly didn’t help. I strongly believe it is because she wasn’t educated in such things. We rarely, if ever, were we given fresh fruits and vegetables. We had plenty of meat and potatos and gravy, but I think I was 10 before I had my first tossed green salad (thank you Grandma C!). To my Mother’s defense, a lot of this was due to economics. Canned vegetables were a lot more economical than fresh back then, and more available. My mother believed that a PopTart with a glass of milk was a balanced breakfast–after all that is what the commercial said. You get the idea...I digress, back to Lets Move.

Today, Rush Limbaugh has been all over the news criticizing Michelle Obama and her waistline. I’m ready to blast the guy. On his radio show on Monday he said:

I'm trying to say that our First Lady does not project the image of women that you might see on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue, or of a woman [professional baseball player] Alex Rodriguez might date every six months or what have you. I mean, women are under constant pressure to look lithe, and Michelle My Belle is out there saying if you eat the roots and tree bark and the berries and all this cardboard stuff you will live longer, be healthier and you won't be obese. Okay, fine, show us.

So apparently, according to Mr. Limbaugh if a woman isn’t a size 2 she isn’t following good nutrition. WHAT??? Oh and I have read the “Let’s Move” website and I don’t believe it says we should only eat tree bark, berries and cardboard stuff. I believe that it encourages balanced eating heavy on fresh fruits and vegetables and light on processed sugar foods. It should also be noted that Mrs. Obama has never suggested that ALL junk food should be eliminated from our diets. Instead she has advised to eat in moderation. For instance, limiting desserts from an every day thing to special occasions.

Today it continues with Limbaugh taking aim again saying:

These were highly civil comments for crying out loud. I mean, people are going nuts. USA Today, the Politico. And some people were suggesting that my comments were below the belt. Well, take a look at some pictures. Given where she wears her belts. I mean, she wears them high up there around the bust line. Isn't just about everything about her below the belt when you look at the fashion sense she has?

How dare he criticize a woman that is an amazing example of a healthy woman. She may not be a size 2, but I look to her as a healthy example of how a woman my age should look. She isn’t a bean pole, she is well proportioned, and has muscle tone I dream of having. Mr. Limbaugh, at least she can find her waist you big blow bag. Let’s compare the two of you:

Yup, you are right, how dare she say anything about nutrition and fitness. She is such a mess. Really, we should follow Rush's example. He just SCREAMS fitness and nutrition!

Thankful

2011-02-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

So the last couple of weeks we have had a lot of ups and downs with our youngest. This week has been thankfully uneventful, but still exhausting. It would be easy to get defeated by the annoying things, but this week I have just felt really thankful in spite of it all. It would be easy to be ticked off at the realization that Dean and I will probably not be able to go away by ourselves this year for more than 2 nights. It would be easy to get ticked off that our insurance coverage is changing again and it will cost us even more to keep the 'better' plan which covers less than our current one. It could send me over the top that when I did our taxes this year, I realized Dean's income has gone down the last several years and our expenses have gone thru the roof. It would be easy to fall apart when we looked at our 'Budget' last night and realized that there is very little wiggle room.

Nope, I've resigned myself to not get upset and it feels really good. Sure these things suck, but there isn't anything we can do about them except ACCEPT these circumstances and keep moving on. So, I've decided to view each of these things as a positive. Here goes.

1) Dean and I won't be able to go away for a week alone this year. Nope, that means even if we could get together a team to go to Mexico, we both can't go. BUT, I am thankful that we have a gift certificate to a local boutique hotel that will allow us to go away for two nights for our anniversary. Something to look forward to.

2) Our insurance is changing, again. This usually throws me into complete hysterics and Dean has to listen to me rant while staying out of the way in case I throw something. Don't get me wrong, I am always thankful that we have coverage and that most of the cost for our family is covered by his employer, a huge blessing. BUT I have learned that unless you have been in our family's situation where we have had tens of thousands of uncovered medical expenses, you are not going to be able to understand why little changes in our insurance coverage are a big deal to me. That's ok. I'm thankful that I have resigned myself to accept that no matter how hard I try to explain how we feel about this issue, some are never going to be able to understand. I understand, and that is all that matters. I am thankful that I no longer feel the need to use the energy to try to make others understand.

3) Our income went down, again. I'm thankful that no matter what, we always seem to be able to cover our expenses and pay our bills, on time. Sometimes the budget doesn't look so pretty, but there is always enough and then some. We have been able to continue to do some pretty special things, travel, a nice home, eating out once a week. Yup, it will probably take us 5 more years to pay off the debt that we incurred for Annika's care, but we are making headway so that is a good thing.

I'm also thankful for these ding dongs and the laughter that is more and more a part of their time together. After five years of emotional strain, it is great to have ALL of them laughing together.

And dear, sweet Evy. I don't think she quite knew what she was getting into when she fell in love with Joshua. He comes with two loopy sisters. They are a bit of a package deal. It is a joy to watch her join in and see how much they all enjoy each other, and having fun with each other:

Yup, IT'S ALL GOOD. That pretty much sums it up.

Thankful.

Things that make sense

2011-02-02T09:32:00.000-08:00

I have come to the realization that our family is a little odd. When I say that, I mean it in a good way. I like being a little odd. Some probably look at us and go 'those Haans'. We have interesting discussions. We have quirky humor. We have a lot of completely random moments. It is all good, even when it isn't.

This week a few of the events that some might find a little odd. Kirsten has been B-E-G-G-I-N-G to get a banjo. No, she doesn't know how to play one. She just thinks they are cool and she likes the sound. She has dreams of a quirky band combo with a banjo, bongos, and maybe a viola (the instrument she does know how to play). She wasn't asking us to buy her one, she just wanted our permission to allow her to buy one. We finally relented...why not. So this week, a large triangular shaped box was deposited on our front porch, inside it was her dream banjo....

Oh and she was SO excited. She promptly sat down on my bed, tuned it and began to figure out how to play this thing. I told her I thought it was FABULOUS that she was attempting to learn while sitting on my bed...no worries that I was trying to do our taxes and the FAFSA...no problem, I love having bluegrass strumming in my head during those times.

She was ALMOST as excited as she was last week when she went snowshoeing....almost....

Speaking of random (I think I was, wasn't I??). I received an e-mail from Josh the other day. It was entitled 'Birthday List'. I opened it to find a link. Now, I appreciate receiving gift ideas, but his birthday isn't until May 25. I tend to work thru one event at a time. Up next is Kirsten's 18th birthday on February 25. I get thru that one, and then I will start thinking about Josh's. Although, since he will be in Europe on his 21st birthday, do I really need to do much? After all, that sounds like a pretty darn good birthday to me.

I digress...the link lead me to the following item:

Seems like a perfectly logical gift for a 21 year old, right? He later sent me an e-mail telling me he was serious. I replied that I knew he was.

No, we seem like a perfectly normal, sane family to me.

Another Day of Joy.

2011-01-27T10:48:00.000-08:00

So, I was in a good mood this morning. I like to go to my new job and I was looking forward to a longer day where I could finally get some of the financial stuff entered into the computer. I knew I could stay later today, so it was all good. Lunch packed, coffee ready, all set. I got to the office early. Of course the 5 minute commute has a little to do with that. LOVE.THAT.

After a half hour, I got a phone call from the school counseslor. She said that Annika was in the office, very upset and saying that on a scale of 1-10 she was a 7 for wanting to commit suicide. The counselor pushed her a bit but Annika said she didn’t want to talk about it, so the counselor called me. I told her that I felt it was safest for her to be at school and surrounded by people. That is not to say that I don't take what she says seriously, it is just that I also know that she is an expert in saying the things that she knows can manipulate. AND in fact, last week I had a huge showdown with her on a Monday along the same lines. That night, she confessed to me that she was trying to manipulate and work me to let her have a day off. I told the counselor I was surprised by her statements, but if she could be in class without being a huge distraction to others that would be best. Apparently, yesterday Annika called her friend's house 15x (no school, boredom, wanting to get ahold of her friend, etc lead to a HUGE lapse in judgment and calling rules). Apparently, she left a couple of messages and the rest were just hang-ups (they were out of town for the day), but apparently her friend's parents look at their caller id and count numbers. WhatEVER. I have caller ID, but I am not in the habit of doing this, but I also don't have anyone 'stalking' me. At school this morning, the friend went to Annika and said that her parents were really upset and mad at Annika for calling so much. GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTT. So, that caused Annika to go off. Then another girl, the one who loves to stir the pot and bully, had to throw in a little shit and the race was off.

Ok, so I get done talking with the counselor and with Annika. Always a delight when she is in that mode...'you don't understand Mom', 'you don't care about me', 'I can't do this'. I knew that my 5 back-ups in these types of situations were all unavailable. I told Annika it was not possible to go home. Let's remember that I have a new job and that my attendance is a little more mandatory.

A few minutes later I get a call from the head of our shrink team, (Sharon, aka Yoda) telling me I have to go get Annika. The school counselor apparently called her. Sharon said reading between the lines, she didn’t think the school wanted the responsibility. So once again I feel like a shitty parent that is suspected by the school. I went to school and got her within 5 minutes. We came back to church. But, guess what happened then.

Well, in my haste to leave, I left my phone and my church keys on my desk. Not a big deal, I left my door open a crack, put a note on saying 'back in 5 minutes' and left. No problem, EXCEPT that my office door sucked closed when I exited out the back door of church. I didn’t realize this until I got back to church and went upstairs to my office and oh joy, oh goodness, my door is closed and locked. I have this really awesome thing on my office door, automatic lock (who the decided that was necessary?) Oh and did I mention that neither PJ, Yuanita, or Marv were anywhere to be found? After trying to pick the door lock with a paperclip, I finally got ahold of Marv and he came and unlocked it. This was all before 10 am

Have I mentioned how much I love my life??

UPDATE: She survived. We had an appointment later that afternoon and she mapped out a new plan of attack in these situations. It involves numbers, ratings, feelings, reactions. Another part of our routine. She went to school the next day without a problem.

Another week already?

2011-01-22T14:58:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it is Saturday already! I find that I am having some difficulty adjusting to my new schedule and getting everything done in a week that I wish I could get done. One of those things is blogging. Maybe I need to make myself a big schedule. That being said, I L-O-V-E my new job. It isn't so much the actual duties of the job, it is instead the ability to see that my actions can effect change, positive change. Simple things like making a few changes to the church bulletin format. Something I did purely for myself. The old form wasn't formatted in a way that was efficient for me, so I revamped it. I categorized things, added some headings, warmed up some wording, just simple, basic things. The amount of positive comments I have received on the changes has cracked me up. No, I think it has amazed me. I have honestly lost count at how many people have commented on how much they love the 'new format'. It has me thinking: wow if this simple thing can make so many people smile and express pleasure, what else can I do that will make people happy? After years of working in negativity, it is SUCH a joy!

It is true that negativity breeds negativity, my hope is that positive attitude can encourage positive attitude. I have tried in vain for years to get those in my old office to view things in a more positive light. No matter how hard I tried to project good ch'i, some never did come around to my way of thinking. Then others came into the work place who were negative towards the job, the work and the workers, and I gave up. I couldn't do it. I succumbed to the negativity. I found that slowly my positive attitude that I had worked so hard to display became less and less visible. While I was also going thru an emotionally draining time during this, I wish that I would have been stronger, I wish I would have combatted the negativity. I would have less regrets if I had been able to do that on a more consistent basis.

Recently someone told me that it had been difficult to be my friend because I had so much anger. In fact they told me that they would never be able to count me as their friend again. Harsh words, but sometimes the truth is harsh. I acknowledge that there have been times the last two years when I thought, I don't want to be angry anymore. While I have had several tell me that my anger was justified (after all, we have been thru some major crap the last 5 years), is anger ever really justified? That being said, this person's statements, also made me scratch my head. This person is someone that has very harsh, unforgiving attitudes about a variety of people and topics. I have heard this person express hatred countless times. Bottom line, their negativity added to my negativity to the point that it resulted in my anger. My negativity was encouraged by them, after all, no one likes to be alone on their bandwagon, I'm just disappointed in myself that I did it so easily. It was wrong. I'm also disappointed with myself that my negativity encouraged their negativity. A vicious cycle, one I am not proud of. One I regret. My only hope is that thy may see in themselves what I am referring to. I hope that they acknowledge they have some responsibility in what occured in the relationship. I have a feeling though that they won't. If it has to be 100% my responsibility for the failure of the relationship, then so be it.

With the new year, and the new job, I have an opportunity to start over. I can choose to feed into the negativity that is bound to be expressed by some (and that already has been). OR, I can choose to diffuse the negative attitudes and statements by greeting them with something positive. My prayer is that I will be stronger in this new season of my life. I don't want to ever again become so negative that it gives way to anger that makes someone else forget all the good I do have in me. Because I know I can be a really great friend, if you are willing to take me, warts and all.

Catching Up, part deux

2011-01-12T12:59:00.000-08:00

The last month has brought some changes. I am still working on http://www.overthemoongoods.com/, but during the holidays I found myself working on other projects. January is time to hit it again. Then there was a job opening that came up and I was asked to apply. After a lot of thought (and prayer), I decided to apply.

I wasn't sure what would happen. Between the time I applied and the time I was called in to interview, I went back and forth. In fact, a day before I interviewed, I thought about pulling my application. A friend talked me into letting it stay and seeing what would happen. The following evening, the phone rang at 8:30 pm. The hiring committee wanted to know if I could come and meet with them. RIGHT THEN. Uhm, sure no problem, just ignore the fact that my hair is wet as I just got out of the shower. I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever interviewed for a job in jeans, ugg boots and fleece, oh and wet hair!

After an hour of round table interviewing (me answering questions from 5 men), I was convinced that I wanted the job. So when they offered it to me, I took it. So 2011 began with a new job in a new field. I have entered the non-profit realm and now work part-time for our church. My duties include handling the financial 'stuff' as well as the office secretarial duties. Being the 1960s (not really, but there are some on the committee that seem to have forgotten what decade we are in), they are still stuck on the term 'church secretary/bookkeeper'. I could care less about a title, but I have to admit that in my mind, when I hear the word 'secretary' it conjures up images of cone bras, heavy, waist-cinching girdles, and double-knit dresses (think Joan on Mad Men). Maybe one day they will change it to Administrative Assistant, since I seem to be assisting in the administration of the church. Although I wasn't exactly ready to start working on a set schedule, I knew that if I didn't try I would regret not taking it later when I was feeling up to a set schedule again. I enjoyed the first week and was anxious for the second. We will see how it goes from here. I will admit, it feels really good to enjoy going to work.

to be continued.

Catching Up

2011-01-11T21:10:00.000-08:00

I realize it has been WAY too long since I sat down to write. For the handful of you that read this, I'm sorry. I promise to do better. Since I am never one to say 'well I was busy' as an excuse, because let's face it we are all WAY too busy, I will instead try to fill in some of the gaps.

The last time I posted, the girls (that would be our girls, Kirsten and Annika) were starting their Christmas break. While I usually enjoy these breaks from school (because it means I don't have to worry about making sure Annika gets to bed, or that there are items which can easily be packed into Kirsten's school lunch, or that I need to remember to ask if homework has been done) this break seemed unusually chaotic. Kirsten had a million different things planned and I found it very difficult to keep track of where she was going when. I realized over break that my short term memory is not only failing, it has F-A-I-L-E-D. I'm not really sure what is going on with that, but I found that no matter how many times she told me what she was doing when, I could never remember. Annika's schedule was almost as hectic. All of it good, but just hard for me to keep up with. In the midst of all of that I found it very difficult to get it all together to cook dinner. I mean when people are coming and going at different times, I hate planning and cooking meals. If there are less than 4 eating at home, I often feel why bother?. This isn't a HUGE deal, but it did mean that Josh got gyped out of home cooked meals every night. I found myself asking him way too often, 'so what would you like for dinner tonight?'. I don't think he minded that much, but I'm not sure. So our Christmas break was filled with take-out; Mexican, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai and maybe one trek thru the Taco Bell drive-thru for good measure.

Christmas was somewhat uneventful. We had a change in the usual Christmas routine. Christmas Eve we were blessed to share with good friends who came for a meal and then we all went to church together. It was a night that allowed us to have some quiet as a family. Christmas Day was also a little uncharacteristic for us. We found that we had nothing scheduled until 5 pm that day. Again, strange, but a nice day to rest and take our time with each other.

A few days later, Josh headed back to his campus apartment. This was a little strange for us. We realized it was the first year he wasn't at home with us on New Year's. Dean and I realized we had reached a milestone in our parenthood. We are still trying to figure out how we feel about that exactly. New Year's Eve found Kirsten juggling friends and Annika enjoying her new bff. For a second year in a row, Dean and I found ourselves without an invite to New Year Festivities. Again, this felt strange, especially when later you see and hear of others' activities for the evening. Then again, we were both battling colds and thoroughly enjoyed watching a movie together and going to bed early. Again asking ourselves, are we THAT old?? The reality is no, we are not that old, we are just that tired. Many discussions were had about boundaries. We realize that while there are lots of good things that we can be involved in, it isn't always good FOR us to be involved in them. We still need to figure this one out, but the topic it is definitely getting our attention as we have both now been battling a nagging cold the last 3 weeks, more than likely an indirect result of overcommitment.

more catching up later.

The Christmas letter I won’t be sending.

2010-12-17T13:25:00.000-08:00

I’ve been in a debate with myself about our annual Christmas letter. I am pretty sure that I am going to skip this little diddy this year. Mainly I feel it is redundant in the days of Facebook and blog posting. Most that care, already have the ins and outs of our year. I still like to dream about the content that I would put into such a dissertation if I were to write one. I dream of sending one out that would make people go ‘whoa, I can’t believe she put that in their letter’. If I was to write a brutally honest expose, it might look like this:

Dear friends and family. As 2010 draws to a close, I can’t help but reflect upon the past year. 2010 began with a whimper, my own. As 2010 ends, we find ourselves still married and no one facing criminal charges, so we are chalking it up to a successful year. We find ourselves employed, although at jobs that we often dread, but they allow us to barely pay the bills, so we will stick with them. Some of us are still working on finding the right medication routine, so in the meantime we seem to have amassed quite a collection of pharmaceuticals, which we keep in a shoe box in our closet. Not sure why we feel the need to hang onto all of these half-filled bottles, and why we keep them in a shoe box, but that is how it is.

The neighborhood is experiencing some change. We are anticipating the low rent district showing some promise of improvement this next year. The family of 20 that rents across the street is preparing to move out on December 31. We will miss their wild children running naked in the summer. We will miss watching the children sled down the dirt pile. Most of all we will miss their mangled trampoline that lays in a heap on the lawn after it blew across the road during the last big wind storm. We were hoping that the other neighbor might be jailed this year for his constant screaming, but alas it didn't happen. We were pretty stoked to see that he bought a big ass motorhome that he often keeps parked on the street, impeding traffic. His collection of inflatable holiday lawn globes was magnificient this year. I love lawn art. Even better is that the neighbors out our back door (in the trailer park) painted their home a magnificient pepto pink. LOVE.IT.

The kids:

Josh is loving his new major, Linguistics. Sure, he isn’t guaranteed any type of actual paying job when he graduates, as was the case with his previous electrical engineering major, but he is happy. We find him often muttering in foreign languages. He has subscribed to the total immersion way of learning language, so when he is home on breaks and you enter his bedroom you are greeted with a variety of language being transmitted from his computer. This break he has spent hours watching old Disney animated movies in the French. While some may find his sitting around in his flannel pj pants all day listening to French or Italian or Spanish annoying, we are thankful that he loves what he is studying, after all he should since the tuition bill is $39k/year. As long as he doesn’t forget to talk to us in English we are good. He is still madly in love with his girlfriend Evy, but for now they say they will wait for marriage until AFTER college. Whew!

Kirsten (aka Bif)--in her senior year of high school--is trying to participate in anything and everything she can, all at the same time. We are slightly concerned that she is turning into a hoarder. Reasons for this fear are varied. One, I found a collection of her old worn slippers under her bed (I can’t remember what I was looking for) and two she doesn’t like to empty the garbage under her sink. She seems to prefer letting it fill the entire cabinet before her parents have had enough and empty it. She has managed to outsmart the Lynden Police on more than one occasion and remains ticket free! We were a little worried that she might get ‘pinched’ this summer when she and friends were in the park after hours watching the meteor shower. Harmless fun until the cops come looking to see whose car is parked there and shine a searchlight looking for delinquents who have violated the after dark trespass law. They managed to stay low to the ground and out of the searchlight. That would have been a big ticket. Bif and Cleetus (aka Erika) are constantly plotting something. Lucky for us they are smart girls and so they know how to stay out of real trouble.

Annika is in 8th grade and is slowly preparing for high school. Her year at home has been interesting. She amazes me how tough she can be. We feel she is our first teenager as we go thru the jr. high drama. For now she seems to be hanging out with girls whose main goal ISN’t to have a baby by the time they are 15 so we are thankful for that. For now we don’t think we have to worry about her bringing home a 17 y/o boy as her boyfriend (as some of her old friends have done)–she seems content to just be friends with the ones that are her age. She tells us daily stories of boys farting and belching and taunting teachers. Ah yes junior high. She has also brought her Science grade from a ‘J’ (meaning it was so far below a ‘F’ that we decided to call it something else), to a B. We are so proud. All kidding aside, we are glad that she is getting healthier every day.

So we end 2010 in debt up to our eyeballs, but still laughing and enjoying each other’s company. We hardly cry at all anymore over the fact that the house we own is worth less than our mortgage. It is really fine. Really, it is. Bottom line, the kids still want us all to hang out together on a regular basis, whether that means a long weekend away or playing a game, or watching a movie together. It is all good.

Merry Christmas!

It has been an interesting week.

2010-12-10T19:37:00.000-08:00

It has been another interesting week. Both good and bad and then the not so good and not so bad. Today as I sit here though I have some peace. I feel that I have been able to clarify a few things in my mind and that feels wonderful. I will share a little of what I learned this week, (or what I was reminded of this week).

I enjoy listening. Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE talking too! Those of you that know me, know that. But, I honestly enjoy listening to other people tell me things about their lives. I never fail to learn something.

I can take criticism, even the harsh and super-critical kind. I don't like it (who does?), but I will always process it thoughtfully, regardless of the deliverer. Sometimes I process a bit too much and then get into a self-flogging mode. I truly believe I am my own worst critic. I say that because I often receive encouragement from a variety of people to give myself some credit where credit is due. I am sure some might disagree with me on this and say that I can be difficult to critique, but I have learned that those are usually the ones that have a difficult time taking responsibility for their own actions.

I'm learning that I can't fix everything. I have also learned that is ok to take a step back and not even try to fix everything. Sometimes when I try to fix or resolve something, I make an even bigger mess of it (insert self-flogging here). While some may question my motives and intentions, I know in my heart that I never set out with evil intent. Sometimes I may be misguided in my efforts, but it is only because I care, sometimes too much. No matter how much I try, sometimes it won't be enough, or it may be entirely off the mark. I'm learning to forgive myself and move on.

Some people have difficulty accepting responsibility for their own actions, or acknowledging their own actions. I've learned that you cannot have meaningful relationships with people who fall into this category. If someone is consistently talking negatively of those that they say they love, steer clear. Don't be lulled into a false sense of security that they trust you. After all if they didn't why would they share such negativity about those they love with you. Guess what, they don't trust you. I don't believe they have trust for anyone, other than themselves. I also have experienced that people that fall into this category will always choose themselves and their needs, wants and desires first, regardless if it hurts others. Even if that means making those that they love give up something that is important to them.

These are just a few things that I have processed this week. There are more, but that is all for now.

Things on my mind.

2010-12-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a writing exercise in 'stream of consciousness'. Today I am pretty convinced that I have ADD as my mind jumps from one thing to another to another. Rather than try to organize a group of related thoughts into fluid sentences and paragraphs, I think I will just share a glimpse of what the inner workings of my mind look like. I know, its a scarey place. Don't judge, I'm just being honest.

Some random thoughts:

1) What should we have for dinner tonight? I'm not sure but I think it should involve gorgonzola cheese and bacon.
2) I had book club last night so I got to stay in the big house at co-housing. The only problem was that there didn't seem to be any warm water for my shower this morning and when I say no warm water I mean there was only COLD water available. I can't do cold showers unless I am in the tropics. I had to go to work early so I didn't want to wake Aa and K8, so I shook a bottle of baby powder all over me, curled my hair and headed out the door. Now its almost 5 and I can't decide if it is worth it to take a shower or just call it good.
3) My bra is really digging into my right side..I'm prettty sure it's leaving a mark.
4) Do I have to cook tonight or can I get away with feeding everyone leftover stuffing and mashed potatos and gravy??? If only the turkey wasn't all gone.
5) I applied for a new job, but I really wish I would win the lottery instead.
6) Looking thru Kirsten's senior masquerade pictures I keep thinking I wish I could go thru high school again, only with her confidence.
7) The damn cat knocked over my new vase and broke it. Should I try to glue it or just toss it?
8) Someone just told me Dean is having surgery. Hmmmm, I didn't know that, I think I forgot to ask him about something...
9) Is it Wednesday or Thursday? I can't remember
10) I wonder how much I can use the 'i have no vitamin d in my system' as an excuse for doing things I don't like?
11) I think I forgot to eat lunch. I'm not really sure, but I certainly can't be this hungry if I HAD eaten lunch.
12) I wonder if I can talk Dean into going out to dinner?
13) I really need to figure out when I'm going to put Christmas decorations up. Do you think anyone would notice if I don't put up the tree this year?
15) I wonder if I smell like I didn't have a shower today?
16) I can't feel my left pinky finger...has it been like that for long and I didn't notice or?
17) I wonder if I could get by with serving a variety of cheeses and crackers for dinner on a Wednesday night? Would they notice there was no real meal?
18) Is 4:00 pm too early to put PJs on if you aren't sick?
19) I wish I could find some fuzzy socks to put on.
20) I think I can put on PJs, it is dark out.

I know how Peggy Ann McKay feels.

2010-11-29T08:09:00.000-08:00

It is Monday again. Not just any Monday, but the Monday after a long holiday weekend away. These are the worst kind. As I was laying in bed this morning (contemplating how long I could stay there before emerging from under the covers) I kept thinking about one of my favorite poems. I first heard this poem when I was in elementary school and I have never forgotten it. I wanted to share it:

Sick

'I cannot go to school today, '
Said little Peggy Ann McKay.
'I have the measles and the mumps,
A gash, a rash and purple bumps.
My mouth is wet, my throat is dry,
I'm going blind in my right eye.
My tonsils are as big as rocks,
I've counted sixteen chicken pox
And there's one more-that's seventeen,
And don't you think my face looks green?
My leg is cut-my eyes are blue-
It might be instamatic flu.
I cough and sneeze and gasp and choke,
I'm sure that my left leg is broke-
My hip hurts when I move my chin,
My belly button's caving in,
My back is wrenched, my ankle's sprained,
My 'pendix pains each time it rains.
My nose is cold, my toes are numb.
I have a sliver in my thumb.
My neck is stiff, my voice is weak,
I hardly whisper when I speak.
My tongue is filling up my mouth,
I think my hair is falling out.
My elbow's bent, my spine ain't straight,
My temperature is one-o-eight.
My brain is shrunk, I cannot hear,
There is a hole inside my ear.
I have a hangnail, and my heart is-what?
What's that? What's that you say?
You say today is...Saturday?
G'bye, I'm going out to play! '
by Shel Silverstein

I know just how little Peggy Ann feels. If it was Saturday I wouldn't have nearly as difficult a time getting out of bed as I do on Mondays. Finally I got up and I looked at our family calendar. It made me want to crawl back into bed. I know our calendar is very similar to other family's, but it overwhelmed me this morning.

Monday: Physical Therapy 8:30, Dr. appt with Annika, 2:30; Tonight: Dean-Meeting 7:00, Kirsten, Sr. Masquerade

Tuesday: Dr. for me at 9:30; Office Payroll; set up for Wednesday mini-bazaar; Book Club sleepover (one of my favorites)

Wednesday: Office Day-Billing; Mini-Bazaar @ church for Over the Moon Goods; Dean-Dr. 8:40; Annika-orthodontist 2:30; Night: Kirsten--SHINE

Thursday: quiet day...ahhhhhhh; Night: Kirsten-Deck the Halls

Friday: Office Holiday Lunch @ 1:30pm; Annika-Dr. @ 2:00 pm; Night: Small Group dinner @ our house (another favorite).

A quick calculation tells me that is 6 dr/dentist appointments, total co-pays, $150.00. Maybe I should consider taking that other job???

and then there was the rest of the holiday weekend...

2010-11-27T19:51:00.000-08:00

We came home late last night from our 3 day/2 night trek to Victoria. We all had an amazing time and were thoroughly glad we spent the time and money on this little Thanksgiving 'break'. Our first night it snowed, and in the morning everything in Victoria looked so beautiful. The fountain in front of Parliament was still frozen, but by the end of the day it had thawed, along with most of the snow. Our Thanksgiving day is not the same as Canada's Thanksgiving Day (Canada celebrates Thanksgiving in October--and from what I can tell it to Canadians Thanksgiving means head to the U.S. and go shopping), so we didn't have the traditional roast beast feast. Instead, our family had afternoon high tea. The kids loved it. The finger sandwiches, crumpets, scones, lemon curd, all of it. I lost track of how many pots of tea we consumed, but it was a nice switch from the traditional stuff-yourself-'til-you-pop Thanksgiving meal. That night I made pasta and we played games in our hotel suite.

Incidentally, our hotel was fantastic. A block away from Parliament, 2 bedrooms, living room, kitchenette, bath and a half. We could spread out and not get on each other's nerves. It was wonderful. We weren't tripping over suitcases. I wasn't trying to keep everything neat and tidy. The only problem is that the next time we have to all share one hotel room, I am going to be cranky. We even used the exercise room (which was also fabulous). Annika got to swim, which is always a good thing for her.

On our final day in Victoria, we went to the museum. Our family is a museum family. We can spend more hours in a museum looking at exhibits, reading placards, participating in interactive displays. It was especially neat this year when Annnika made some connections between what she had been taught in science class and the visual exhibits. We took a break to eat and watch an IMAX movie on Van Gogh, but she was the first one begging to head back upstairs and continue thru the museum exhibits. That was VERY unusual. By the end of several hours of this, we were all exhausted, but it was a good exhaustion. Our brains were tired from taking everything in. We headed to the ferry and began the trek home.

Today, we began the re-entry to our routine. Kirsten had to be at work first thing this morning. Josh's car had to go in to put the studded tires on. I had to get blood work done. Dean had an appointment and worked on church 'stuff' most of the day. Oh and laundry, of course laundry. Dean got the Christmas lights up. He and Annika hauled the Christmas decoration boxes down, but they are still stacked in the garage. Oh and then I cooked an entire Thanksgiving meal to fulfill a promise to the kids that they would in fact get their turkey dinner. So I made the pumpkin dessert/pie, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatos and gravy, sweet potatos, asparagus, cranberry and did I forget anything??? Oh that's right, the wine. Nope, I actually haven't had that yet. We have to head to get my Mom at the train at 9 pm, so I will wait on my glass of wine. OH and then the best part, we got to have Evy (Josh's gf) and her mom Nadia join us for dinner. Nadia amazes me, but that is another blog. She is such a warm and fun person, as is Evy. Dean's Mom was able to join us too. Yup, back to the routine.

For now, I am thankful that the five of us can still spend time together and enjoy each other. Sure we may get testy with each other once in a while, but the laughter and good discussions always outweight those moments. I am also thankful that we can return back home, even though that routine can often be a little overwhelming to me, its comfortable too.

Victoria, Victoria

2010-11-24T21:11:00.000-08:00

I am typing this from a hotel room in downtown Victoria, British Columbia. Dean and the kids are playing a game and I am taking advantage of free wi-fi. This year, instead of the traditional extended family Thanksgiving celebration, we opted to pack up and leave town for a few days. We journeyed to Victoria today. It wasn't planes, trains and automobiles, but instead automobiles and ferry boats. As I sit here, I can hear that Annika is growing very tired and stressed as they try to play the game of Life. The day has gone relatively well until now. I wonder if we will ever be able to travel as a family without causing this child so much stress and angst. So close and yet so far.

Later, we looked at this picture and went 'who are those old people??'

Up to this point, the day was overall a good day. We left the house early this morning and crossed the border into Canada, driving to the B.C. Ferry terminal. The weather is cold, but we bundled up as we walked the streets of Victoria. We toured a castle, had a snack in Chinatown and took pictures of the frozen fountain in front of the Parliament Building. Along the way we laughed and sometimes got annoyed with each other. Our children always keep us hoping, no matter how grown up they are. The things of today that I find noteworthy...

1) When it was time to leave the house this morning, Josh was still in his flannel pj pants. No worries, he simply pulled his jeans over his pj pants, telling us that if he got warm, he could always take them off. He went thru the entire day wearing 2 pairs of pants, flannel and jeans. I am also pretty sure that the suitcase he brought home is filled with dirty laundry that he is just sorting thru and recyling while we are on our little mini-vacay. At least he didn't participate in 'no shave November' this year. I may actually be able to get a Christmas card picture that I don't have to mail out with a disclaimer. Oh, and his muttering to himself is now done in French and/or Italian. It took me a while to realize that his muttering was now being done in a different language, I kept trying to keep up. Silly me.

2) Kirsten has a cold and refuses to blow her nose. I sat in front of her for several hours in the car. I was reminded of when she had a cold as a young toddler and I had to suck the snot out of her nose (with a bulb syringe) because she refused to blow her nose into a kleenex. Then there was the time we were vacationing in Whistler and Dean had to leave the condo late at night in search of Vicks rub because someone refused to blow their nose and was crying because they were stuffed up. Oh yes, the sinus issues, and the refusal to deal with them by merely blowing into a kleenex still continue. Kirsten also uses her outloud voice a little too much at times. I'm learning that she just says things just to have them noted, she doesn't expect me to fix anything. It has only taken me 17 years to figure that one out.

3) Annika does best if she can sit in the third seat of the car, alone. She plugs in to her Ipod, her Nintendo DS and is quite happy. However, being her mother's daughter, she still feels the need to hear EVERY word that is spoken in the car. This wouldn't be so bad if she didn't have EAR PHONES IN HER EARS. The constant 'WHAT?' from the far back corner of the car can sometimes make us shout 'ANNIKA WE AREN'T TALKING TO YOU' more than we should.

4) Dean is afraid of me. He admits it. Not all the time, just certain times. Mainly he is afraid of getting lost when we are traveling. It isn't that he is afraid for himself or the rest of us to not know where exactly we are the ENTIRE time we travel, he likes to figure things out Amazing Race style. The reality is that he is afraid of what I WILL DO if we get lost. Being lost is something that I don't handle well, AT ALL. I panic. We have had many,many arguments over the years when we head out somewhere and he hasn't done all the research of how to get from Point A to Point B. Today, we managed to get from Point A to Point B and C and D and E without any issue. Of course that is because I had printed out directions before we left home, AND we grabbed a map on the ferry. I was glad that I didn't have to make my husband frightened by my panic.

Fan Tan Alley, Chinatown

5) I've developed an irrational fear of falling. For years I have had a recurring nightmare where I fall to my death. Not an unusual dream, Freud even covered it for crying out loud. More recently that fear of falling has entered my conscious world in an extreme way. When the kids were little I was overly cautious with them around any open, potential fall hazard area. That fear never really subsided with Annika. I think mainly because she tends to be the proverbial bull in a china closet as she goes thru life. Tripping, running into things, falling. Today, as we toured the castle, which had a center staircase that rose the 5 flights thru the center of the house, I FREAKED when she got near the inner edge and was looking down thru that spiral center of stair tread. I worried that she would somehow throw herself over the railing's edge and plummet thru that center to the first floor. Irrational? Yes. Real to me? Yes. I think I might have something new to explore in a therapy context...my irrational fear of falling. Note: She didn't trip and fall and we all made it out of the castle, each in one piece. However, I ascended and descended the stairs hugging the wall, not the open center.

6) Our hotel has a cozy bar that serves wine at 1/2 price on Wednesday. The best part??? The kids are all underage and so they had to stay in our room when we got to sample and talk, uninterrupted.

I wonder what will happen tomorrow.

Homeless

2010-11-19T08:03:00.000-08:00

As I was doing my usual morning news check, I watched a news video about a homeless man that returned $3300 that he had found in a backpack. While it was encouraging to have some good news, the story also bothered me a bit. Why are these types of stories worthy of national news coverage? Has doing the right thing become such a novelty in our society?? In the newsreel, the point was made (more than once) that the homeless can have integrity. Did that mean that the story wouldn't have garnered national attention if the finder of monies lost HAD a home?

I will readily admit (with shame) that I have a lot of pre-conceived ideas about people. However, assuming that almost all homeless people are thieves is not one of them. Thinking that homeless people are trying to prove they don't need to conform to society's standards and therefore choose to be homeless is also not one of them. Recently, our family has had the privilege of interacting with Dave, a man who is homeless. Dave is an interesting guy who survives on limited disability payments. He has chosen living alone, outside, so that he can remain financially independent. He has told us that he some friends that he can always crash on their couch if it gets TOO cold outside, but he wishes to remain independent as much as possible. He resides in a small, solitary camp in the middle of the city. When we take him 'home', we merely stop the car along the side of the road, and he gets out and disappears into the brush and trees. Somewhere back in that brush is the place that he currently calls home. He has his routine. He goes to the Y daily to work-out and shower. He keeps his limited possessions in a 5x5 storage locker located near his 'home'. He attends a men's Bible study once a week as well as a small worship gathering, which is where we have had the privilege to worship along with him. He is polite, well read, and an encourager. Heis one of the many in our country who find themselves homeless.

According to the National Coalition for the Homeless, the main causes for homelessness are: foreclosure, poverty, lack of work, decline in public assistance, lack of affordable housing options, and lack of affordable health care. The statistics also cite that 63% of homeless women have been victims of domestic violence. Another 26% of homeless single adults suffer from severe mental illness, with 5-7% of those requiring institutionalization. The statitics also show that homelessness is on the increase, even for families. In conclusion, the National Coaliation for the Homeless summarizes that: Homelessness results from a complex set of circumstances that require people to choose between food, shelter, and other basic needs. Only a concerted effort to ensure jobs that pay a living wage, adequate support for those who cannot work, affordable housing, and access to health care will bring an end to homelessness.

This morning as I type this, I am looking out my window at a small dusting of snow. I hear the wind howling. I made myself a latte' and am padding around in my warm socks and cozy yoga pants and sweatshirt. I am snug inside the walls of my home that separate me from the biting cold. As I sit here, I can't help but think about where Dave is and if he was able to stay warm last night. I can't help but think about the many more that are in his same situation. Most of all, I feel an enormous sense of gratitude for all that I have.

Over the Moon Goods

2010-11-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

So I'm finally at a point where I am ready to share. I have spent the last several weeks on a little project. I have revealed very little because I didn't want to overwhelm myself. Today, I think I am ready. Please check out my other blog: http://www.overthemoongoods.blogspot.com/. You can also check out our website: http://www.overthemoongoods.com/ (although disclaimer, we are still REALLY 'under construction' on that one). You can also follow us on Facebook--just log in and search for 'Over the Moon Goods'.

Living on Less

2010-11-17T11:17:00.000-08:00

Recently we made a radical decision and decided for me to give up my job. I’ve blogged about this before. In the midst of some of the most difficult economic times, I decided to give up a job that delivered a fat paycheck while inflicting a huge personal toll. Of course I still go to the office one day a week, but I am finding that time goes fast and I have successfully been able to instill and maintain good boundaries. However, I will admit that I am still adjusting to the 30% reduction in our income, especially since the last 2 years we have amassed a mountain of debt due to that special thing called 'uninsured medical expenses'. And let's not forget the one kid in college and another in private high school.

It is very true when they say that the more you work, the less you pay attention to what is coming in and going out. I’m the one that every January sits down and realizes that I haven’t entered the checkbook entries on the computer since the PREVIOUS January. It has become my own version of Russian Roulette (let’s see how many debits DIDN’T get written in the checkbook this year???–oops, that was a big one *BANG*). After I get everything entered and categorized it is always a bit daunting to see where the money has gone. The last five years the major bulk has gone to medical and related expenses, followed closely by the over-mortgaged house (again medical expense related) and of course food. While we can do nothing about the medical, I have been quite stoked to have the time to plan and prepare food. Having more time on my hands has allowed me to plan meals from a completely different perspective. Whereas before I would plan out the weeks’ meals based on a variety of take-out offerings and meals that could be prepared in 10 minutes or less, now I have a whole variety of meal options to choose from.

I’ve learned that I have TIME to use coupons, and I don’t mean the kind that Macy’s sends me every other week–although I will admit I have used 2 of those the past week to purchase a Tolo dress for a high school senior that lives in my house. I look forward to the grocery fliers. I peruse the discounted offerings, clip the coupons, and plan my meals around what is on sale. For instance, did you know my grocery stores offers a buy one/get one free meat special each week? AND, they are those cuts of meat that you usually can’t justify but when you are talking 2/1 suddenly you are in heaven. I even have time to frequent the grocery outlet store. I did a quick tabulation this morning and I found that I have cut our food expenses by almost 60%. Its shocking and the best part is, we are eating better than we did before.

The other thing we have discovered from a different perspective is the consignment and second hand store. While I have always enjoyed the thrill of the hunt at these types of establishments (and in fact I have 2 adorable new living room chairs and a secretary desk which were fun projects this summer), we have shifted into making these emporiums our FIRST stop. This past week we were able to get the girls 3 pairs of jeans for $20 TOTAL. The best part, they LOVE their new jeans. My favorite part, we went there FIRST and thoroughly enjoyed our shopping experience and they hope to go back the next time they have a clothing need.

We have slashed other fiscal expenditures. The family health club membership–GONE. The cable tv and cable internet–GONE (although I must admit we still get 13 stations and we aren’t sure why???). In exchange we have more time to read and DSL internet at a mere fraction of the cost. We even figured out how to appease my addiction to ‘On Demand’...’Netflix’. It’s a beautiful thing, so much so, that we instilled a Friday-Sunday night only tv watching rule for fear I would watch movies and old TV shows 24/7. Sure we break the rule once in a while, but isn’t that what rules are for??? Bottom line, when I think about it, I think that the ‘living on less’ mantra is a huge misnomer.

Happy 14th Birthday Annika!

2010-11-11T11:00:00.000-08:00

always a happy baby....nine months

One year

beginning preschool

Fourteen years ago today, our youngest, Annika was born. She was seven weeks early, but she was a a pistol from the moment she arrived on the scene. The nurses all adored her and would take funny polaroid shots of her when I wasn't able to be at the nursery. I remember one nurse drew eyes with long, curly eyelashes on her eye covering 'glasses'.

Annika has had an interesting life. She has an amazing self-awareness for a girl of 14. She works very hard to be the healthiest girl she can be. She is resilient. I marvel at her assertiveness, something I honed in young adulthood. Her courage may falter sometimes, but it is never far behind. You will always know where you stand with her, always.

I am impressed with the way she has learned to instill healthy boundaries in different areas of her life. If someone is not treating her fairly or nicely, she will assert herself in a bold, yet respectful way. Even in preschool, her teachers told me that they appreciated how she would let them know if something wasn't working for her.

We don't know what the future holds for Annika. We hope that the crippling anxiety she daily fights against, will continue to subside and she will be able to enjoy day to day life more and more. For now, we are so proud of the progress she has made and continues to make. It has been a journey, but I can honestly say that I am happy and proud to be her mother. She is a very loving child who has so much to offer the world around her. As I sit and type this now, I can hear her laughing with some friends upstairs. She has had crossed another major hurdle, having an overnight birthday party with several friends and ENJOYING EVERY MINUTE of it. I just praised her for her accomplishment of enduring her party without even ONCE coming to me and telling me she had to talk to me alone for a minute so that she could relay the stress and anxiety and panic she was feeling. AMAZING!

Happy Birthday Annika! We love you!

What do you use that for?

2010-11-10T09:25:00.000-08:00

I just returned from the grocery store. I had to pick up a few last minute things for Annika's 14th birthday party this afternoon. (Have I ever mentioned that kids' birthday parties are not my thing??? different day, different entry). Anywho. I was at the store picking up the last minute goodies which I believe bring me VERY close to a grand total of $1k for this darn birthday (no just kidding). I remembered that I needed some Cumin so I headed to the spice aisle. First off, I have a very large spice cupboard. I do not believe in only using salt and pepper and maybe some generic 'seasoning'. I enjoy using a variety of spices in a variety of ways. That being said I HATE to pay for them. I love it when something I need can be found on the 'Hispanic Foods' aisle..pequeno dinero. Today I found something new in my hunt for Cumin. I found a bottle, correction, a rather large bottle of something marked 'Soul Seasoning'. I almost bought it. I am still wondering what EXACTLY is 'soul seasoning'? Then again, I also still wonder what really is 'oriental flavor'??

DiAnne

2010-11-04T17:14:00.000-07:00

I just got off the phone from talking to my high school bff, Anna. Anna called to tell me that her mother had died. I was shocked to hear the news. I knew DiAnne had never taken care of herself, but I also figured that her ornery nature would keep her alive forever. Anna was there at the end of her life and said it was peaceful.

After I hung up I started thinking about DiAnne. I have to chuckle a little to myself as I type only her first name. As Anna's peer, I was NEVER allowed to call her by her first name. Instead, I was to always refer to her as 'Mrs. Conrad'. She explained to me early on that she was not MY friend, by my friend's mother. I respected this, although I always found it a little odd. My Mother HATED to be called 'Mrs. Crosno' by my friends. She always insisted on a first name basis, saying that when she heard 'Mrs. Crosno' it made her cringe a bit thinking she was being confused with her mother-in-law, THE Mrs. Crosno.

DiAnne was an interesting woman. In her later years she became a recluse and very rarely, if ever, left her home. Her daughters would bring her anything she needed. She died in the same house that I had spent so many hours in during my high school years. Most of the time in Anna's room, which was the only place in the house that was truly clean. Or outside. We spent a LOT of time outside. When temperatures allowed, we loved to sleep outside under the stars. The house is in a rural area, with a small pond in the back and large willow trees that rustle slightly in the breeze. If I close my eyes, I can still smell the lawn and hear the trees and Anna's horses talking in the distance. Oh and the old turkey, pecking and scratching and warbling.

Before retiring, DiAnne nearly worked herself to death. She worked long hours at an apple industry job. I think she was a fruit broker, although I honestly can't remember her title. I do know that she would leave early in the mornings and would return exahusted at the end of the day. She would enter the house, change into a long zipped robe, lay down on the couch and crack into her pack of Pall Malls. She would lay on that couch, watching tv, chain smoking her cancer sticks, and would only get up to fix herself what she referred to as a 'Pepsi Plus'. This was my first real time exposure to someone who ingested alcohol on a regular basis. Generally, she would fix her first Pepsi Plus of the evening and after that, Anna would be called on to refill. I know you are wondering what is a Pepsi Plus? You take a can of Pepsi, open it, dump out a significant portion and then refill the can with Black Velvet. mmmmmmmm...NOT.

Mrs. Conrad was quite colorful, especially after she downed a few Pepsi Pluses. For some reason she liked me. I was about the only one of Anna's friends that was allowed in the house on a regular basis. I'm not sure why. Maybe because I never talked back, or always greeted her as Mrs. Conrad. I obeyed her rules even though some seemed strange to me. One in particular, we were never allowed to drink the soda pop that was in the house, that was her stash.

On Friday nights, I was often there and we would get ready together before going to football games or other activities. I will NEVER forget what she used to say when we would emerge, ready to head out.

'You girls look (or smell) like whores going to war!' said with raspy, somewhat slurred speech.

Anna, would always 'oh mom', and off we would go. The first time she did it I was shocked. You have to remember: a) my parents NEVER drank, b) my mother would NEVER use such language, whenever my mom would get REALLY upset and try to use colorful language or curse words, she would never use them properly--it was really quite hillarious, although she never saw the humor in it when we would correct her verbiage and c) my mother would never lay around in her bathrobe in front of my friends. To this day, Anna and I still chuckle when we remember the 'whores going to war' exclamation. Surprisingly it didn't emotionally scar us! We found it hysterical.

The last time I saw DiAnne was when I went back to Yakima for my 20th high school reunion. She still had that contagious cackle. The years had not been good to her and Anna cringed when she realized her Mom was greeting us without her teeth in. It didn't bother me, it was refreshing in a strange way. She was comfortable with who she was and didn't care what anyone thought of how she looked or how she lived. While many wouldn't understand how she lived her life, I for one am glad that I had just a small glimpse of her life. I gained a different perspective from that relationship. It wasn't pretty on many levels, but I always knew exactly what she was thinking and where I stood with her, and for a teenage girl, that is always appreciated.

Thinking of the Yucatan

2010-11-01T17:31:00.000-07:00

This past weekend, I was going thru our 2010 Yucatan pictures. I had hoped to be able to go down again this fall, but with November 1 rolling around, and no plane ticket bought, I think that is not going to happen. While I don't know how I could fit it in, I would have really enjoyed going again. I hope we will be able to go again next summer. Again, time will tell. For now, we enjoy getting e-mails from Jacobo and the occasional picture, or two. Sometimes I think people wonder why I love it so much down there. Some have commented to me 'oh I could never do that' when I mention sleeping in a hammock with geckos overhead. Bottom line, I LOVE THE PEOPLE. Their smiles, their hugs, their displays of true emotion, I can't get enough of it.

Of course I love the warm sun, but there are definitely things that I would never be able to overlook here at home, that I have no problem overlooking when I am there. Examples? First one that comes to mind is the lack of toilet seats, for some reason they seem to be in short supply in the Yucatan. Here at home I would never tolerate having to hover over the brim, but there I do no problem, reminding myself that I am building thigh muscles as I perch over the open bowl. On a related topic, the stinky garbage can next to each and every toilet. Remember, you can put nothing in the toilet that doesn't come out of your body...the septic/sewage system can't handle it. This leads to a most unpleasant refuse container, which in most public restrooms seems to always be OVERFLOWING with debris. mmmmmm, NOT. Taking cold showers. To own and use a hot water heater is a luxury. At home, I have a complete hissy if someone turns the water on while I am taking my shower and the temperature plummets. In contrast, this last trip, our host offered to light their water heater for us and I declined. I found I didn't care if I took a cold shower. WEIRD, since I am usually the one who exits the shower with a red back from the scalding water I like to stand under.

We still dream of one day being able to live down there. We don't know if God will want us down there or someplace else. Only He knows. For now, we know that we need to be here, and that is ok too. I have my memories, my pictures, and future trips to plan. Under the heading of 'People', I wanted to share a few of my favorite pics from this summer's trip:

The Deal Breaker

2010-10-30T19:02:00.000-07:00

The other night I was at book club when we got in a discussion about deal breakers. The main character in the book we were discussing had listed those things that were so loathsome to him, that if when he met someone they possessed any of these traits, he dismissed all possibility of forming a relationship with that person. The question was asked, ok, so what is YOUR deal breaker? The conversation took an amazing turn and soon our laughter bordered on hysteria.

Our book club consists of a variety. Me, the old married woman with grown (or almost grown) children. Younger moms of small children, young wives, and young single women. (Did you catch that I am the oldest–uh huh...I’m learning to embrace it!). Obviously with the diversity that is in our group we were going to have some definite differences in what our deal breakers were. Obviously some of us are out of the dating scene. I was having a hard time trying to think of what my deal breaker was until one of the women shared that she had once dated a man who had recently won a school bus driving competition. That was it! Something to start my deal breaker list–must not enter school bus driving competitions for entertainment! There, I came up with one.

From that point I could come up with several–IF I was young and single. I think the list would look something like this:

1. Must not live with his Mother.

2. Must have a full-time job that does not result in the creation of stinky laundry.

3. Must not wear jeans with a waist size that is smaller than mine.

4. Must not have any facial tattoos

5. Must only ingest garlic at the same time as me

6. Must have access to facilities for regular bathing and use said facilities on a regular basis

There, I think that is enough. Oh and for the record...I LOVE my new book club.

Ode to Kirt.

2010-10-27T12:55:00.000-07:00

Our oldest daughter, Kirsten (aka Kirt, aka Bif), is in the midst of her high school senior year. She has started the flurry of applications. College applications, scholarship applications, job applications. She is also thoroughly enjoying being 17. She makes us laugh on a daily basis. So much life. Not that she doesn't have her dark moods sometimes, but I am learning to just leave her be when I sense those. I think what I love the most about her is that she is not intimidated to just be herself. She has no problem making a total goof of herself. If people think she is strange, she could care less. She is serious when she needs to be, but at times she also can still play like a 5 year old. I hope that part never changes. I was looking thru her pictures from this year, and wanted to share a few. I think you will get idea of Kirsten's fantastic spirit when you look at these shots:

last spring, but still part of her 'Year 17'

This was last spring. I would venture a guess to say the one thing she DOESN'T like about being a senior is that Marcus is away at college.

she is beginning to enjoy spending time with Annika...not ALL the time, but it is nice to see them do things together.

High School Spirit Week, each day a dress-up. She is on ASB so she gladly uses the official excuse to go crazy:

'Fashion Disaster Day', with our 'other daughter' Erika

Media Day--Dressed as Maverick and Ice Man

80s Day...and yes, that belt was mine in 1985!

Blue & White Day--Erika and Lynea told her that she looked like a pirate.

I think that hands down this is the most creative way to ask someone to go to Tolo.

Which led to them deciding what else they could spell with T-O-O-L...and a little harmles prank ensued...

She LOVES to go hiking with Cleetus (aka Erika)

and sometimes Lynea gets to go too...

This picture CRACKS.ME.UP....Kirsten is never far from her Burts Bees chapstick...its a little OCD.

I am going to miss that face when she heads to college next fall!

Ah yes, Monday mornings.

2010-10-18T13:37:00.000-07:00

I think that most people hate Monday mornings. At a minimum they do not look forward to them, unless maybe you are leaving on a fabulous vacation. I think I am pretty safe when I say that if people were surveyed, they would most often describe Mondays as their least favorite day of the week. When school is in session, my Monday mornings start generally at about noon on Sunday. That is when the dread of begins to set in. By noon Sunday I have usually already heard once 'I don't want to go to school tomorrow'.

Sunday afternoon is a back and forth as to why my youngest shouldn't have to go to school the next day.

'Can I go to a new school?'. '

When can we move?'.

'Can you homeschool me again?'.

These are all queries that I am hit with EVERY Sunday afternoon. On Monday, my morning begins with my youngest crawling in bed with me. Oh and let's not forget that Kaja, the cat, comes with her. Usually Kaja walk over my head a few times, bites at my hand, jumps off the bed several times, only to scare the crap out of me when she pounces back up on top of me. The Monday morning bed conversation usually consists of a handful of statements which are repeated over and over again.

'Do I have to go to school today?'
'I'm so tired.'
'My stomach hurts'.

Finally after 30 minutes of the back and forth, Annika drags herself out of my bed and heads upstairs to get ready. Now that I am home, I try to get up and make her breakfast, with the hope that maybe some eggs or pancakes will make everything better. It generally doesn't work, but it is worth a try.

This morning was no exception. Consequences were threatened and she hesitantly stomped off to school. I knew that wouldn't be the end of it. I was right. A mere 70 minutes passed before I got the first text and the frantic pleas began:

A: Please get me out of here im crying in the bathroom k. is being really mean with the things she is saying im done mom DONE!

me: U have to stay. i am sorry about k. u can do it. if u come home u miss too much.

A: Mom no ok im done with this school cant i just do online public school we talked about it before school i cant do this mom ;-(

me: I love u..just try to brush it off..u dont deserve that. show her u dont care...dont beg her to b your friend. she should beg u.

A: Mom! Please help me i cant do this u think its soo easy so u put me thru this please talk to dad or something.

me: That is not an option..that would be worse for u. trust me

A: Mom, i know i will get in trouble for txting u and if i go home but wut are the consequences if i go home

me: Annika I do not think it is easy and i am not putting u thru this. i just know that it is better for u to b at school even to it is really hard. no more txts or i take your phone.

A: Please dont ignore me.

me: I'm not I am at the store.

A; Mom i don't care wut the consequence is just take me home!

me: Driving.

A: to the school?

me: No.

A: I hate u! Get me please!

me: Turning phone off. ily

A: Im gonna hurt myself if u guys dont get me.

A: I mean it!

Ah yes, Mondays and all that go with them. I think I need to go have some Baileys in my coffee. Maybe some bacon...yup, maybe some bacon.

WHAT is the big hurry?

2010-10-13T15:42:00.000-07:00

I did it again. The past six weeks I have tried really hard not to, but I caught myself again today. Doing what? Well I found myself in 'bat out of hell' mode.
Before crossing the bridge into semi-retirement-ville, I was in bat out of hell mode 24/7. It wasn't just because on average our family's weekly calendar is filled with doctor appointments, committee meetings, school, work, small group activities, youth group activities, and school events. That I could handle. It was the frantic anxiety associated with being on time to all these obligations that did it. The kind of circus act juggling routine that most Americans find themselves in. The stress that I would put on myself to go through this myriad of activities with my idea of perfection was killing me.
The other day I was driving to a doctor appointment in Bellingham. I had left in plenty of time and found that I was NOT driving 10-15 miles over the speed limit, but instead was motoring along at a mere 5 mph over the speed limit. I was sipping a latte' that I had managed to make BEFORE I left the house. I felt, CALM. It was a new feeling. I don't think I could remember the last time I had driven to an appointment in such a manner. I almost felt sleepy.
I pulled up to the 4-way stop and sat and looked at the other drivers. Every single one was a woman, looking harried, waiting inpatiently for their turn to cross thru. It struck me....THAT is what I have looked like for years. I made a pact with myself to never return to that fever pitch mode again.
Now today, I broke the pact. I will remind myself that it was just a slight slip. No harm, no foul. Next time I will just try not to get so many tasks done before I have to leave home. The laundry can wait and so can the litter box.

What are you planning to do with that?

2010-10-07T13:23:00.000-07:00

In my state of semi-retirement, I decided that I needed to spend more time on activities that nourish me. After years of sitting at a desk, pushing paperwork around, I really wanted to tap my creative side. There is only so much napping and book-reading I can do. Cooking is great, but I also knew I shouldn’t have my days revolve around food. The natural activity I gravitated towards was sewing.

I learned to sew when I was a little kid. My Grandma C taught me. I still remember the first project she had me do. It was a small pink pillow and I used all the creative stitches that our old New Home machine could put out. Each row I would change the thread to a different color. The finished project wasn’t too shabby. Grandma kept that pillow for years.

I hauled out all of the boxes of old notions, buttons and fabrics that I have stored and moved MANY times. I spent days organizing and setting up a small sewing corner. Dean has been patient as I have slowly overtaken our exercise room with all things fabric and sewing related. I even bought a new sewing machine and serger, replacing that old New Home machine that I learned on as a kid.. I’ve scoured books for ideas of projects that I want to attempt. Then, I reentered the world of the fabric store.

I love looking at all there is in a fabric store. My first trip, I selected a few bolts and went to the cutting counter. That is where I first discovered that those cutting ladies are N-O-S-Y.

‘What are you making?’, they would ask as they rolled out the fabric and cut the strips I requested. I was a little taken back by the question. What did THEY care? I felt like coming up with some crude response. ‘Oh I’m just making matching costumes for me and my husband’s role playing night. You see, every Tuesday is role playing night and I wanted to whip up a few new costumes. We like to keep things fresh and vibrant you see’. I decided against that. Instead I mumbled something, grabbed the goods and left the cutting area.

On the way home, I started wondering why I felt so insecure about telling them what I had in mind for the yardage. Was it because I thought they might tell me that they thought that was a terrible idea? That I didn’t look like I had any skill to fashion the cloth into what I described? I wasn’t sure. Maybe it was just a random question and it won’t happen again.

BUT.IT.DID. The next trip to the cutting counter, I was greeted with the same question, ‘what are you going to make?’. This continued, each trip to the store. It even happened at another fabric store close to home. What is THIS? Why do they care what I am doing. Is nothing sacred? Each time I have mumbled a reply...not sure what to tell them. I have watched others at the counter proudly declare what project they have in mind of creating. Why do I think I’m so special that I can’t reveal details?

Me, being me, began to think about this whole fabric-store-clerk-question-phenomena. I should probably add that the frequented fabric store is 30 minutes from my house, so I had some time. When you go to Victoria’s Secret and you select an item and take it to the counter, does the clerk ask you ‘what are you going to do with this?’. When you go thru the check-out line at Target and you have a cart full of items, does that clerk ask you, ‘what are you going to do with this?’. When I’m at Macy’s and purchase a new top, do they ask me ‘are you going to wear this?’. NO.THEY.DO.NOT. So why, oh why is it SO important to the fabric slashers to know about my creative plans?

I don’t know, but I DO know I need to come up with a better reply than my current mumble. Hmmmmmmm, this could be fun.