Challenge: The List

Currently I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I say attempting because I find it difficult to carve out time to sit and read. Historically, my reading time has generally been at bedtime, but these days by the time I get there, I don’t last very long and I am usually drawn to my nightstand’s stack of decorating, cooking and sewing magazines FIRST before I pick up a book. So, I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts”. This book is not the type of book that I generally pick out to read. However, I made a commitment to read the book and gather weekly with a group of women to discuss a chapter at a time. I must be brutally honest that while Voskamp writes beautifully and eloquently, her writing style is COMPLETELY lost on me. The message of the book, however, is not.

The subtitle of “One Thousand Gifts” is ‘A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are’. This sub-title is what hooked me. For the last several years Dean and I have felt in many ways that our lives are ‘on hold’. Plans to go full time on the mission field, derailed. Attempts to sell our home, derailed. Quest for good health, derailed. Search for more time to spend on the things we enjoy, derailed. It feels that we are always waiting for something to start a chain of events where our real life can start. Frustrations with work, family, health, church, finances always seem to drain the energy and make us yearn for a fresh start. A Do-Over.

This year we prayed for God’s leading and direction. If He wanted us to move, he would allow our house to sell, our debts to be paid, and a new path to be dictated. Our self-imposed deadline was the first part of September. Well September came and went, and with September came a new health (and financial) challenge. We pulled the For Sale sign down and realized, again, that God has other things in mind for us right now.

So, moving on. ‘A Dare to Life Fully Right Where You Are’. I will give it a try. I picked up the book and I started to read. By Chapter 3 I was hooked. Again, remember, I have to fight through the verbose to connect with the message, but I am connecting with the message. I relate to the author’s feelings of disappointment, sadness and restlessness. Her quest for T.I.M.E. Then, she stumbles onto something, being thankful and it changes her, for the better.

A friend challenges Ann to begin making a list of 1,000 things to be thankful for. She discovers that once you have identified those things, however small, give THANKS for them. Each of those things are a blessing, a way that God shows you how he loves you. A gift to you, to remind you, that you are special. By giving thanks, we set the tone for amazing things to happen. At first the concept of list-making can be a little difficult to grasp. I think in today’s world, we are always in the bigger is better mode. We forget to recognize those tiny things throughout our day that can make us smile. In the book, Ann starts her list and shares many of the examples. As you read her list beginnings you see how retraining the eye to not overlook things as simple as the colors of soap bubbles can enable you to find joy in their beauty. The chubby hands of a small child. The smell of fresh buttered toast. The first sip of your morning latte’. All of these things that can and do bring warmth to your soul.

Earlier this week, a friend was struggling to put a bad mood behind her. I suggested to her to try to recognize throughout her day all those things that may bring a flash of smile to her face. When she felt the smile, write down the cause and give thanks! Then, continue to add to it. See how fast you can get to 1,000 things. Once you open your eyes, it can change, EVERYTHING.

So I challenge you (along with Ann Voskamp), to grab a small notebook and start recording. As you record, don’t forget to give thanks.

A few of mine for today:

* A warm shower.

* The quiet of the house, a chance to breathe.

* A smiling picture posted on Facebook.

* A fresh, warm cheesy goodness piece of pizza.

* A quick lunch with my best friend and husband.

* Bright red fall leaves set against the clear blue sky.

Another day

The last few weeks have been the usual. Work, church, meetings, appointments, work. I find I am having a very difficult time keeping track of what day it is. Maybe I need to start putting a big ‘X’ on the calendar at the end of each day. Part of the usual routine the ongoing adjustment to living with (finally diagnosed) rheumatoid arthritis. I fully acknowledge and appreciate that to some it might not sound like any big deal, but to me I find that mentally it is a big deal. While I am thankful for a diagnosis and a course of treatment, I find myself frustrated with several aspects of the whole bizness.

I don’t think that most people have any real idea what rheumatoid arthritis is. R.A. is not the same as osteoarthritis. Osteoarthritis is the most common joint disorder and is characterized as being wear and tear on a joint. We get older, we experience stiffness and less mobility, especially in those areas where we might have suffered an earlier injury. By the time you are 70, almost everyone has experienced some sort of osteoarthritis. As we age, the cartilage wears down and you get more areas where bone rubs on bone. While this is not pleasant, it is a natural part of aging, often see at a younger age in people that are very active in sports and/or exercise.

R.A. is very different. R.A. is an autoimmune disorder where your body mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. It can strike at any age. The cause is unknown. It is a long term disease that causes inflammation of the joints and surrounding tissue. R.A. can affect almost every part of your body including your lungs, heart, and eyes. It causes fatigue as well as severe pain and decreased mobility. It is not something that can be ‘cured’. So if someone ever tells you that they have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, it isn’t helpful to them for you to compare it to the arthritis you have in the knee you hurt when you were in high school. While I can appreciate that your knee is stiff and painful, it is not the same as what I (and others who have RA) experience on a daily basis.

Every morning when I wake up (and this is after I have been awakened several times during the night because of pain in my joints and the need to shift into a more comfortable position), the first few seconds of consciousness I feel great. Then my sensory function kicks in and I ache and hurt everywhere. I shift my leg and my pain shoots through my right knee (the one that doesn’t seem to want to bend the way I need it to whenever I go down stairs). I move my foot and again pain shoots through every joint, up my leg. Then I move my arms. A ring of pain encircles my elbows as I try to straighten out my arms. I lay there for a long while, not wanting to move. Finally, I force myself to sit up and I swing my legs over the bed. I stand, putting weight on my feet and the joints that have been worn and thinned by a combination of a deformity in the bone formation-- weakened by the significant amount of fluid surrounding each joint that slowly has eroded the bone density of the joint. This is how my mornings go. I hobble around until slowly the joints begin to warm and loosen. It is not just in the waking moments of each day. If I sit for too long (for me I find as little as 20 minutes in a stationary position can do it), I find that most of my joints seize and I have to go through the warming up process all over again.

I describe all of this to give a little glimpse of what it is like for me. I do not share in an attempt to garner sympathy, but instead to offer information.  Again, I am thankful for a diagnosis where my doctor is now working to find something that will work well for me. While we cannot undo the damage that has already been caused, we can find treatment that will (hopefully) help prevent further erosion and will reduce some of the symptoms. The first round of drugs did not go well for me. I could not tolerate the drugs used to treat cancer. My skin peeled, I had excruciating headaches not to mention an attack on my digestive tract. We have since moved on to what are termed as ‘biologics’. To me that is just a silly term that describes VERY expensive medicine that is not on my insurance carrier’s drug formulary. Imagine my surprise when I was told that the medicine I needed would cost $1950 a month and that the insurance company was only willing to be half of that cost. To say I was stoked doesn’t adequately cover it. So, I picked up my first month’s supply, crossed my fingers and hoped that it would work. After 2 weeks I don’t feel much different but I can tell that the obscene swelling in my feet has gone down to the point that I can squeeze my feet back into my Danskos (which is a good thing because I have several pairs and I really don’t think I can afford to pay for the medicine AND buy new shoes!). We have learned about a program that the drug manufacturer offers that helps pay the uncovered costs of the medicine. Hopefully it will help in a significant way.

With the diagnosis comes other realizations. As I have said, my new medication routine involves very expensive medicine that needs to be refrigerated. As that new part of my life sunk in, I realized that this may greatly affect our desire to live in parts unknown some day. We had hoped and planned that after Annika graduated from high school, we could finally start our ‘second career’ working for a mission-related organization in some foreign assignment. Now we are not sure how this will all factor in. I feel that there may be some more change in mindset in that plan.

The other realization, surgery. Two weeks ago I was told that I will need surgery on both feet. I have deformities in both feet that only surgery can correct. The RA hasn’t caused the deformities, but it has exacerbated the deformity issues to the point that surgery is the only remedy to alleviate the pain that I constantly feel. The first surgery will be December 14. They tell me that I will need to wait at least 3 months, then I will have the second surgery. The surgeon tells me that it takes the average person 9 months before they are fully healed. So, I anticipate a fun year! Again, I am thankful for a treatment option, but I am a bit overwhelmed thinking spending the next several months hobbling around. Honestly though, I am not able to walk very much now, so what is another year?

(Almost) All Grown Up!

I can't get motivated to do much today.  Right now we are waiting for some friends to stop in and share a glass of wine (or a beer) and catch up on our lives.  We SO wish that these friends lived next door. Sadly they are only 40 minutes away, but we don't get to see each other near enough!  So while I am waiting for some of our favorite people to arrive, I thought I might do a little updating.

Today is one of those awesome crisp fall days.  I woke up this morning and it was foggy.  You know the kind of fog?  That fall fog where the air is just cold enough to cling to the spider webs.  Usually I see all those webs outside and I feel the urge to go and sweep them all away, but this morning, I just peered out and looked at all the intricate designs that our spider friends had made.  Then I crawled back in bed for a little more sleep.  The rest of the day has been like that.  Nap a little, run the Saturday errands, nap a little more.  I feel guilty, but then Dean keeps reminding me that my body needs a little rest.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  We successfully moved Josh and Kirsten to Seattle Pacific University.  I can't believe they have already finished their first 2 weeks of classes!  Josh is loving his campus housing pick this year.  He is living on the main floor of a university owned house with 3 other guys.  The place is a college senior's dream.  In the middle of campus (directly across the street from Kirsten's dorm!), HUGE living room and dining room (perfect for having lots of people over to hang out), 3 bedrooms, basic kitchen and large picture windows that let the light flood in.  Oh and the view out the windows isn't so bad either.   Oh and he can even park in the house's driveway, another bonus!  I can hardly believe that he is a senior!  That's right, he will GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE this coming May.  I still can't get used to the fact that I have a child that can legally purchase beer!  When I was his age, I was married, owned a house and was thinking about having him!  He is managing to work at Gwinn and keep up with a busy class load.  Last week he told us he was spending 2-3 hours A DAY working on his French for class.  His dedication to learning is inspiring to me.

I wonder if Kirsten has managed to keep her bed made and her half of the room this clean.

Kirsten has definitely adapted to college life.  I love to stalk her Facebook page so that I can see all the fun she is having.  She survived her first biology test this week.  She tells me it was hard, but she got through it.  Oh how I wish that I had her same confidence when I was 18.  She amazes me!  She is taking Biology, Chemistry, Calculus and then another 'USEM' class.  She and her roommate seem to be getting along very well so we are thankful for that.  We were thankful when we helped her unpack and set up her dorm room and she was able to fit everything in.  For a child to go from having a 12 foot walk-in closet to a small dorm room armoire, we were a little concerned, but she did it!  And she had a little room to spare!  People have asked us if it is weird to send the second one off to college--if we were sad.  Honestly, we can answer 'no' to that question.  We definitely miss having her around on a daily basis, but when we finally arrived at moving to college day and we saw her absolute joy and excitement over moving into this next stage of life, how could we be sad? 

Kirsten and some of her new college friends--how can you not smile when you look at these girls?

While moving into this phase where we have 2 kids in college has been a wide range of emotions, probably the biggest joy we have had the last 2 weeks is seeing how well Annika is doing with this change.  All year we have been a little geared up in anticipation of how these big changes were going to be weathered.  First, she started high school.  Guess what?  SHE.LOVES.IT.  Her classes are going well, she is confident in several friendships, and she greets each school day WITHOUT DREAD.  Then, we had to go through the 'my brother AND my sister are going away to college' step.  Again, we have been overwhelmed with thanksgiving at how that transition has gone.  I think we are almost ready to say that the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent on her care and therapy the last 7 years have all been well spent and all worth it.  Almost.  Ask me when we are done paying off our last loan!  In all seriousness, Dean and I have spent a lot of time talking about it lately.  We have come to the consensus that for the first time in 7 years, we can honestly say that Annika and her 'issues' are the least of our concerns these days.  There was a time when we didn't know if we would ever be able to say that.  It is pretty amazing.

Yup, I think I like this stage of parenting.  Not too shabby, not too shabby at all.