Seven

A lot has been going on lately.  Most of it is just the day-in, day-out life kind of stuff.  There are of course the big things that will mark our year, Joshua’s graduation, Kirsten’s transfer to Western Washington University, Joshua and Evy’s marriage.  But right now I am going to concentrate on one of those big things that has recently happened  in our lives.  One of those things that we don’t send out announcements for, or invitations to. 

This spring, we quietly marked the seven year mark of beginning mental health therapy with  Annika.  With that anniversary, we were greeted with amazing news at one of our more recent ‘Therapy Thursday’ sessions.  We were told that there was no need to continue with weekly, or even bi-weekly therapy.  Annika (and us) had nothing further to work on!  We spent the entire weekend celebrating!  It is hard to believe that seven years ago we started Annika on her first (in a long line) medication routine and we started seeing her first therapist.  It is hard sometimes to wrap our minds around that we have been on this journey with Annika for seven years. To put that seven years into perspective, I have posted pictures of Annika seven years ago and how she looks now:

Annika at the beginning of the journey.

 

 

Annika last fall

I.KNOW.IT!  Pretty bizarre when you look at these two pictures and realize the amount of time that has lapsed.   We won’t candy-coat it, it has been a very long and exhausting journey.  BUT, it has also been a very rewarding journey.

During the last seven years, we have ‘counseled’ with 2 counselors, 2 psychologists, and 2 psychiatrists, PLUS the entire inpatient psychiatric team at Seattle’s Children’s Hospital, PLUS that several month detour into what is referred to as ‘residential treatment’.   When I say ‘counseled with’ that simply means we have paid thousands of dollars (between our miniscule insurance coverage and our always open checkbook) for the privilege of having others evaluate every aspect of our lives and dispense (sometimes) helpful hints on how we should live our lives when you have a child who requires a little extra.     If you want to know the difference between a LMHC (licensed mental health counselor), Psychologist and Psychiatrist, just ask Annika, she can tell you.  Some of these professionals have been wonderful, others not so much.  Our favorites still have to be Karen (our very first LMHC who Annika LOVED), Sharon (we call her Yoda—as in THE powerful Jedi Master—she tends to levitate in the room) and Jim (our hip, sarcastic, metrosexual shrink who doesn’t own a sweater vest or plaid flannel shirt to save his life).   

During the last seven years, we have answered many questions about Annika.  I have kept meticulous records of medications tried, failed and successful.   I have a VERY thick file of test results, therapy notes, mood journal entries, and treatment history summaries.   Her treatment/therapy has taken us to Seattle and Utah.  Mostly it has taken us to Fairhaven (South Bellingham) which for some reason is where the psychiatric community of our county LOVES to rent office space.  As for questions, the main one is usually ‘what IS her problem?’  Now, granted it is not always phrased in this way, but the bottom line, this is the question that most people want  the answer to.

As I have blogged before, Annika has extreme panic/anxiety disorder.  It is not a result of her entering that phase of her life where hormones go into overdrive, after all we first started noticing something was a little more intense when she was 8 years old.  It is not a result of some extreme trauma, although we have had people assume that she must have been abused in some fashion.  After years of treatment, we know that her panic/anxiety disorder has a strong separation anxiety component to it.  We have also learned that Annika has what appears to be a language processing disability.  Since human nature is such that we NEED to know a reason for a ‘defect’, the theory goes like this:  Annika has difficulty processing language, thus causing anxiety.  This is not the same as a diagnosed auditory processing disorder (been there, tested for that), or ADD/ADHD (been there, tested for that), or central auditory processing disorder (again been there, tested for that).   While it falls under same umbrella, it is not the same thing.  Sooo, the theory goes that Annika has difficulty processing language. This is generally not a huge issue until the child reaches their early school years.  At that point, suddenly they are unable to keep up with an understanding of what is going on around them.  They hear things in different order, or they hear partial direction.  Generally the first hint will be a child that says ‘WHAH??’ several times a day.   With Annika, she began realizing that she wasn’t keeping up with all that was going on around her.  She was aware that she was missing something, but she wasn’t sure what, and she wasn’t able to communicate that.  She is a smart girl, learned to read without difficulty, so it wasn’t something that waived a red flag.  Instead, the more that Annika felt like she was missing something (but again she didn’t know what she was missing), the more anxious she became.  The more anxious she became because of feeling ‘lost’, the more she relied on us as her parents, and more particularly me as her mother, to be near to decipher and repeat and help her navigate through life.  When she wasn’t able to be with me, the separation anxiety would kick in and begin to take over.  Soon, the overall anxiety became so intense that it led to panic attacks which took on a variety of forms, everything from hallucinations, to rage, to insomnia.  While the anxiety increased, her ability to learn and function decreased.  The need for therapy and structure and routine became pivotal.  Thus, began the journey for treatment and therapy that would help her in a way where she could reach her full potential.  Thus began the journey to find treatment and therapy that would help her to be happy and confident in who she was.

SEVEN.  7.  We reached the seven year mark.  We look back and can hardly believe the ground we have covered.  We look at what is directly in front of us,  the young woman she has become,  and we are so thankful that the persistent, energy draining work that has gone into her therapy has had such an amazing outcome.  We look ahead and we are able to hope and dream for her to continue her path to adulthood and we know that she will be successful and happy in whatever path she chooses.  The hard work, for all of us, has paid off and we know that God has uniquely formed her to be the kind, compassionate, quick-witted, sarcastic-tongued, helpful, wise young woman that she is today.  Sure, she will always have panic/anxiety disorder.  It is physiological, just like someone who has a weak back that they have to be compensate for.  BUT, the good news is that she has an awareness of that part of her life, she knows how to manage it.  

The most frequent question we receive is ‘was it worth it?’.  It took us seven years to really know the answer to that.  I think I can now respond ‘yes’ and truly mean it.

On her way out the door to school this morning.  ‘Mom, why are you taking a picture of me??’

…well (I thought) because you look happy.

Happy 22nd Birthday Joshua!

It is hard to believe that our first born is 22 years old today!  I can still remember how anxious we were for him to be born that morning 22 years ago—and he was a little anxious TO be born!  This year will be a big year in his life.  In two weeks he will graduate from college!  And then in 14 short weeks from today he will be getting married!!  Our son has brought us a lot of joy over these last 22 years.   We look forward to watching him navigate this next year.  Happy Birthday!!

‘Working’ Moms

The past week I have decided that I hate election years.  The older i get, the more I hate them.  Maybe it hasn’t always been this way in our country during an election year, or maybe it is just because the last 2 national election cycles, I have been able to pay more attention because our kids are older and so we engage in conversation with them about the process.  I’m not sure, but what I am sure about is that it is my observation that during an election year, most people seem to lose their friggin’ minds and almost all tolerance of one another’s right to have an opinion goes right out the window.

Case in point, last week a political analyst made the mistake of stating that Ann Romney had ‘never worked a day in her life’.  This set off a media **it storm, on BOTH sides of the line of reason.   Her comment incited furor that led to ridiculous debates about how much work it is to be a stay-at-home mother.   I say ridiculous debates, because honestly I think we ALL know that running a house and raising children is WORK.  A LOT OF WORK.  I honestly do not believe that the analyst was meaning that Ann Romney sat around on her butt all day watching TV while her children ran amok.  From what I understand, the analyst is herself a parent of 2 children, so I am pretty sure that she has an understanding of the ‘work’ that is involved with running a house and raising children, EVEN THOUGH she holds a job outside of her home.  I am sure the analyst even has a few friends who are full time stay at home parents.  But, this IS an election year and so as I have stated before, many people lose their friggin’ minds and any sense of rationality or tolerance.    YES...the statement was a STUPID STATEMENT.  BUT, haven't we all tried to say something that came out horribly, terribly wrong??  Sometimes, people forget about giving someone the benefit of the doubt, nope, instead during an election year we set out to assume the ABSOLUTE worst in people.  Forget about taking a step back and trying to look at things objectively.   Why can’t we instead of going for the jugular try looking at the statement as (I believe) the analyst intended—that Ann Romney never held a job OUTSIDE of being at home full time raising her children??  I acknowledge that even stating it this way will piss some people off.  After all, it is an election year.

So, I am going to go ahead and tread very lightly into this ‘working’ moms thing.  AGAIN, I feel that the statement was a BLATANTLY STUPID in its delivery.  Since becoming a mom almost 22 years ago, (with the exception of  a handful of brief periods of time) I have always held a job outside of our home.  I have held outside employment with both full and part time schedules.  I have friends who are/were at home full time with their children and friends who work outside their home.   While my ultimate dream is to manage my own business full-time out of my home, my dream has never been to be at home full-time with my children.  Sorry, I know that might cause some to scream ‘why did you have children then?’  To that I answer, my job as a mother is to raise my children to be healthy, happy, independent individuals who contribute positively to our society.  The last time I checked, staying at home with them full time was not a mandatory requirement in the mom job description.    My reasons for my ‘working’  are varied and I won’t apologize or defend or explain the variety of reasons why our household works best if I engage in  ‘work’ that garners me a paycheck.   None of that is the point. 

I have the highest respect for women who chose to be at home full-time, I applaud you.  I acknowledge that you work hard.   BUT, all of that being said, I have to be honest…when I heard the analyst say that Ann Romney ‘never worked a day in her life’, a  part of me agreed with her.   Don’t throw things at me, try to listen to me with an open mind.  Part of me agreed with her NOT because I think stay-at-home moms don’t work, they MOST definitely do; instead, part of me agreed because those that ARE able to stay at home full time, do NOT experience the same type of work day that a mom who works outside the home does.  It is my belief  that moms, whether at home full or part time,  live their lives in the perpetual middle of a juggling act.  HOWEVER, I would hope we can all agree that the mom that is NOT at home full time has to ALSO juggle her outside employer and all that goes with that slice of her existence.   We need to remember that every decision about  events that occur during her normal working hours must also factor the time that it will take her away from her outside employment.  That means for every child’s illness, doctor appointment, dentist appointment, piano lesson, school field trip, assembly, teacher conference and sporting event, the mom that is not at home full time has to make her decision about her presence at these events based not only on the usual long list of factors that EVERY mom faces, but she must also include how it will affect her time at her outside employment.   Again, I believe that this is something that someone who is able to be at home full time with her children cannot truly understand, no matter how informed that mom may be.   I can tell you from my 22 years of experience in making these types of decisions, that this is ALWAYS a potential minefield where someone feels neglected.  Guilt is almost always inevitable.   No matter how you decide to spend your time, you do so knowing that you will disappoint someone, ALWAYS.  And yes, I know that moms who stay at home full time also experience the guilt that comes with feeling your decisions have disappointed someone in your life that you love.

Bottom line, I will never be able to embody what it is to be a full-time stay at home mom and all of her daily challenges, just as a full-time stay at home mom will never be able to embody me and all of my daily challenges.  We can try to understand and relate and empathize with each other, but our perspectives will always be different, sometimes a little different and sometimes a lot different.   I still think that is what the analyst was trying to get at—her perspective of being a ‘working’ mom was different than Ann Romney’s perspective, but judging by the **it storm this week, not too many are willing to view her statement the same way I choose to.  That is ok.  I will just continue to hope that some of us will  keep TRYING to understand each other by listening to each other with an open mind, even when our words don’t always come out in our intended manner.

Wine, Women and … Well Wine of Course!

Last weekend I was able to spend time with some of my favorite people, doing one of my favorite things.  This year, we flew to Walla Walla and we spent 2 entire days tasting wine, lots and lots of lovely wine.  I’m not ashamed to say that I really enjoy wine.  I don’t like beer or any other hard liquor really, but I adore wine.  The tastes, the smells, the experience of discovering the complexities of a good wine, is always GOOD STUFF to me (and yes I just used ‘good wine’ and ‘good stuff’ in the same sentence).  Wine tasting is always enjoyable for me.  To swirl and smell, to sip and taste…ahhhhh.  I also get a kick out of integrating myself into conversation with those that are pouring the wine.  In short, wine tasting is always a happy activity.  It is REALLY hard to be stressed and worry about your day-to-day existence when you are trying to taste the plum or pear or currants in a small swallow of wine.   So yes, I enjoy wine tasting weekends.  BUT, most of all, I adore the time that I get to spend with my ‘girls’.  This year, I was sad when one of my lovelies couldn’t make it at the last minute. She was dearly missed, but we understood she was sick and needed to be at home—she will NEVER be voted off our island!  She promises me she will never miss again!  After 4 days of great food, fabulous wine, stimulating and engaging conversation, I was a little sad to leave it all behind and return home.  I returned home exhausted but rested and restored.  Once again, I was reminded that my weekends away with the girls are ALWAYS worth it!  Worth the time it takes to plan, worth the money that is spent to go, and worth the energy that is involved anytime you have to leave family, job and home behind.  I think we set a new record this year with 5 cases of wine purchased…but hey, we got a lot of it on sale!  To memorialize my weekend, I offer up these photos of one of my favorite hobbies…wine!

One of my all-time favorite wineries...Buty.

Ok, so I borrowed this picture off the internet...we didn't see blue sky this trip, but a girl can dream.

They had the 3 most adorable small dogs running around the tasting room, they kept wanting to play with us.

At this place we were told the funniest description ever by the cutie pouring wine for us...at one point he poured for us and told us that if we could get past the wine's smell of 'cat urine', we would probably really like the wine.  We looked at him and said, uhmmmmm, you need to work on that description.  But he was right, it DID smell suspiciously like cat urine.

I don't particularly like this wineries wine, but I LOVE.LOVE.LOVE. the location of the tasting room.

And just so you don't think all we did was drink our way through the weekend, we stumbled on this amazing pub in downtown WW...they had amazing burgers and truffle fries!

Some Kind of Musical

Today I realized that I have been VERY neglectful of my blogging ‘duties’.  Chalk it up to not feeling good, trying to adjust to a new work schedule, insert whatEVER ridiculous excuse you want to.  Bottom line, I have a little to catch up on.  One of the big events in our household since the beginning of the year was Annika’s participation in Lynden High School’s performance of ‘Once Upon a Mattress’.  Over the years we have seen many high school productions, but this was the first time that one of our kids had a role ON stage.  We were very excited for Annika.  She bravely tried out (something I surely never would have done as a kid—I don’t think I would do it NOW).  Try-outs consist of standing in front of a large group and singing a song of your choice withOUT accompaniment  Then if you survive that, they hand you a portion of a script and you have to ‘read’ for a part.  She did it.  She was rewarded with a part in the chorus.  

 

The musical was a comedy and we thoroughly enjoyed it.  I am sure we are a little biased, but we thought the kids all did an spectacular job.  I was lucky enough to be back stage with the cast a couple of nights.  I thoroughly enjoyed sitting back and listening to the kids interact with each other.  On opening night, I  was impressed when one of the kids gathered the others together and explained that each night before their performances they would have a popcorn prayer time.  For those that don’t know what that means, basically it is a time where one person begins by praying aloud and others in the circle can take turns adding their own part to the prayer time.  After a period of time, someone finishes and closes the prayer.  No one has to pray, it is optional, but the thanks and praises ‘pop’ around the circle in no particular order.  I know that our 2 oldest kids spent their entire pre-college school career attending a private Christian school, and I have experienced similar times with them.  While these experiences were no less meaningful, this was different, this impacted me in a significant way.  Remember, Annika attends the public high school, not the Christian school that Josh and Kirsten graduated from.   As I silently sat and listened, I was bowled over by the depth of their words as they went around the circle and voluntarily shared their thanks and praise.  I was emotionally affected.  I was drawn in to their time of reflection.

Annika learned a lot through her participation in the musical.  She strengthened friendships with an entertaining group of kids.  Being able to be back stage and observe her interacting with her peers in a healthy and ‘normal’ way made me realize how hard she has worked, how far she has come, how much she has grown and learned.  For that, I give my own praise and thanks.

Under the heading of ‘strange gifts we have received’ I offer this:

What do you do when you receive one of ‘those’ gifts?  I think we all know what I am talking about.  We have all been the recipient of such a gift.  A gift that you open and your immediate thought is ‘what am I going to do with THAT?’.  We received one of these gifts recently.  To make matters worse, it was a gift that was given by someone who enters our house on a normal basis, so I can’t just sell it on Ebay and never use it.  It was given by someone who should know us better, but doesn’t.   And yes, I’m not that morally bankrupt that I don’t appreciate that the giver put time and thought into giving us this gift (although I’m not entirely convinced the giver didn’t first order this for themselves, only to feel guilty about spending the money on themselves so they re-gifted it to us for our anniversary—because it honestly would FIT.RIGHT.IN the giver’s home).  I must admit, when I received it, I laughed.  I laughed REALLY hard.  Then I showed Dean and I laughed more.   So what was this gift you ask?  Well, words can’t really describe it, so I will share a picture:

Uh huh…I warned you.  In the packing information, this little gem is described as:  “Your ‘Thomas Kinkade White Christmas’ Masterpiece Edition Crystal Snowman is an exceptionally fine collectible. … As with any fine collectible, this snowman should be handled with care.  It is not a toy and should not be left unattended.”  Great, does that mean I have to stare at it all the time???  For crying out loud when my kids were toddlers I left THEM unattended, why can’t I leave this hunk of glass unattended.

This fine collectible plugs in and lights up.  Then the little train travels around the track.  This provides entertainment for our cat, Kaja, although she isn’t quite sure about the snowman.  The fine collectible information goes on to describe that this hunk of glass conjures up images of your childhood winters sipping hot chocolate.  Uh huh…ok.  That’s right boys and girls, I remember when I was a little girl living in the village and we would play in the snow and then go inside and have hot cocoa.  It was all wonderful until one day this monstrous snowman came and swallowed the town and we became stuck inside its icy belly.

I’m not sure what we are going to do with this thing.  It may get unattended while on the edge of a counter and Kaja is home alone.  OR, I COULD  put it on Ebay and just SAY that it was destroyed by Kaja.  I just checked…this thing is going for $100 AND there is also an Irish version that sports a green hat, scarf and mittens.  Hmmmmmmm

Anniversary Wishes

This past weekend we celebrated 24 years of marriage.  Every year we make a point of having AT LEAST 24 hours together, alone, to celebrate.  Some years that means a trip away for several days.  Some years that means 1 or 2 nights away.  Other years that has meant staying home (or at our cabin when we had that) and making sure the kids are staying elsewhere.  We feel that when you run the gauntlet like we do on a week in/week out basis that uninterrupted time together is necessary.  This year we opted for 1 night/2 days away.  We didn’t venture far, but it was far enough.   We were SHOCKED when our youngest didn’t text us for 24 hours.  Lucky for us, the 2 big kids were home from college, so all 3 could just stay home together.   For 2 days we relaxed and explored.  We enjoyed our time together, as we always do.  When we got home the kids greeted us with laughter, flowers and a ‘What an Achievement!’ card.  They explained they felt it was more appropriate than a ‘Happy Anniversary’ card.  Our family shares nothing if not our strange brand of humor.

 

This year looks to be a significant one in our lives together.  Our oldest will graduate from college in a few months.  We will gain a daughter (in-law) at the end of the summer.  Our youngest will get her driver’s license.  Our middle child will continue her college path.  I will have more surgery where I will once again be a grumpy, pain in the butt that Dean has to wait on.  However, we look forward to sharing all of these events together, happily.  Sometimes we feel like an old boring couple, but then it is usually in those moments that I am thankful for the intimacy that we share  That intimacy where you can communicate with your partner with a simple glance, no words spoken.  Then of course, there is the laughter, always the laughter.  After 25 years together (24 of those married) we still make each other laugh…CONSTANTLY.  I’d say it has been a pretty good run, this marriage thing.  Now we get to look forward to planning for our 25th wedding anniversary adventure.  I’ve already told Kirsten that she isn’t allowed to get married next year because it is our 25th anniversary and we plan on spending money on us, not on a wedding for her.  I know it sounds kind of harsh doesn’t it??  Again, you have to understand our family’s twisted sense of humor.  Happy Anniversary to us!  There is no one else I would have wanted to partner with these last many years.  Thank you Dean!