I quit...well kind of, no really I did...

So I want to share more about our fabulous trip to Mexico, but I will have to do that a little later. Suffice it to say that every time we experience time in Mexico, it is life changing, in a host of ways. This year, the time made us evaluate our lives, the stresses, the good, the bad and brought us around to making some decisions. Yesterday, I set the wheels in motion on one of the bigger ones, I told my boss that he needed to hire someone new for my position.

After some discussion we agreed that I will continue to work 8 hours/week doing the office administrative and bookkeeping tasks, but I will no longer do any of the paralegal work, someone else will have that responsibility. It means a cutting my pay to 1/4 of the current level which is a very scarey thought for me. In spite of that, I feel more at ease this morning that this decision has been made.

Let me back up and provide some background. In 1986 I started working at a downtown Seattle law firm. I have worked with and for lawyers ever since. My current position started in September of 1998. I work for an interesting person. He has a big heart in a lot of ways. Yesterday when I told him that I needed more time for my family and for me, he told me that I was more important to him than the job. He said it with tears in his eyes. Some may view that as manipulation, after all I wavered and agreed to continue on a VERY limited part-time basis. I chose to see it as God providing us with the income that our re-vamped budget shows we need to keep us in a position where we can still purchase food!

I work for an interesting person. He requires daily reassurance from me. A simple question can spur an explosive reaction. I was on the receiving end of this last Friday. I had received a phone call from someone who had first sought our representation last fall. Then they disappeared and had now resurfaced, ready to do their project, were we still interested in representing them? Now granted, the person is a little sketchy, and granted we needed more solid information from them before we could do any work, BUT, the only question I posed to him was ‘do you want to do this project for them?’. Judging the level of reaction I received, you would have thought I had asked him if he was ok with me cutting off his right thumb. He stomped around, his face turned red, he yelled at me an entire laundry list of things that he needed to have from them (all of which I was very well aware of and was already including in an engagement letter I was formulating). He ranted about how they were probably a liar and a thief. I calmly sat and watched the tirade, then I quietly stated, ‘all I want to know is do you want to do the work or not? I need to be able to ask you questions without you getting so upset’. An apology ensued, the color drained from his cheeks, and a tense calm replaced the emotional uproar. While this was not the first time this has happened (this happens on a daily basis, sometimes several times a day), it was a turning point for me. A connection in my mind was made that whenever I am in the office, I am tense, on edge with the subconscious expectation of when the mountain will erupt. I am in fever pitch mode every day I sit in my comfy red office chair. I wonder what encounter will flip the switch. The constant stress of that, coupled with a life that affords me no emotional down time, has left my mental health in a precarious state.

I know some are going to wonder why I would give up a well paying, professional position in a time of staggering economic crisis. In a time where jobs are few and hard to find, why would I give up a position that accounts for 40% of our income. I know, it is completely insane on a logical level. On an emotional level, I don’t see any other option at this point. I already tried to explain it to one person last night. I could tell they weren’t getting it. I think I will come up with a standard response...maybe I can tell people I’m pregnant. That might throw them off for a little while until they remember that I had a hysterectomy at age 34!

For now, I need to reassure myself that it is ok for me to take some time for me right now. I need to get healthy again. I need to build some reserves. Who knows, maybe in this time I might discover something else to do for a little income that brings me joy.