I can't believe it is Saturday already! I find that I am having some difficulty adjusting to my new schedule and getting everything done in a week that I wish I could get done. One of those things is blogging. Maybe I need to make myself a big schedule. That being said, I L-O-V-E my new job. It isn't so much the actual duties of the job, it is instead the ability to see that my actions can effect change, positive change. Simple things like making a few changes to the church bulletin format. Something I did purely for myself. The old form wasn't formatted in a way that was efficient for me, so I revamped it. I categorized things, added some headings, warmed up some wording, just simple, basic things. The amount of positive comments I have received on the changes has cracked me up. No, I think it has amazed me. I have honestly lost count at how many people have commented on how much they love the 'new format'. It has me thinking: wow if this simple thing can make so many people smile and express pleasure, what else can I do that will make people happy? After years of working in negativity, it is SUCH a joy!
It is true that negativity breeds negativity, my hope is that positive attitude can encourage positive attitude. I have tried in vain for years to get those in my old office to view things in a more positive light. No matter how hard I tried to project good ch'i, some never did come around to my way of thinking. Then others came into the work place who were negative towards the job, the work and the workers, and I gave up. I couldn't do it. I succumbed to the negativity. I found that slowly my positive attitude that I had worked so hard to display became less and less visible. While I was also going thru an emotionally draining time during this, I wish that I would have been stronger, I wish I would have combatted the negativity. I would have less regrets if I had been able to do that on a more consistent basis.
Recently someone told me that it had been difficult to be my friend because I had so much anger. In fact they told me that they would never be able to count me as their friend again. Harsh words, but sometimes the truth is harsh. I acknowledge that there have been times the last two years when I thought, I don't want to be angry anymore. While I have had several tell me that my anger was justified (after all, we have been thru some major crap the last 5 years), is anger ever really justified? That being said, this person's statements, also made me scratch my head. This person is someone that has very harsh, unforgiving attitudes about a variety of people and topics. I have heard this person express hatred countless times. Bottom line, their negativity added to my negativity to the point that it resulted in my anger. My negativity was encouraged by them, after all, no one likes to be alone on their bandwagon, I'm just disappointed in myself that I did it so easily. It was wrong. I'm also disappointed with myself that my negativity encouraged their negativity. A vicious cycle, one I am not proud of. One I regret. My only hope is that thy may see in themselves what I am referring to. I hope that they acknowledge they have some responsibility in what occured in the relationship. I have a feeling though that they won't. If it has to be 100% my responsibility for the failure of the relationship, then so be it.
With the new year, and the new job, I have an opportunity to start over. I can choose to feed into the negativity that is bound to be expressed by some (and that already has been). OR, I can choose to diffuse the negative attitudes and statements by greeting them with something positive. My prayer is that I will be stronger in this new season of my life. I don't want to ever again become so negative that it gives way to anger that makes someone else forget all the good I do have in me. Because I know I can be a really great friend, if you are willing to take me, warts and all.
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