It hit.

It hit. Our life has been so chaotic lately that there hasn’t been much room for deep felt emotion. Sure, there has been frustration and annoyance, but not the other kind of emotion. The emotion I am talking about is that which surrounds the fact that Kirsten is graduating from high school in a matter of weeks. Last night it hit me.

Last night was Lynden Christian’s 5-12th grades orchestra concert. The final one of the year. The final one of Kirsten’s pre-college education. We showed up early, only to realize we forgot the camera. Dean ducked out and was back in time for the first number of the evening. Whew! The high school orchestra played last so it gave us some time to sit and be still. That is when it hit.

I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and be still this year. Even during church, I am unable to ‘sit and be still’. So last night was it. The first half of the concert was filled with the younger grades showing off what they had learned in orchestra class this year. The 5th grade orchestra, which our friend Dan calls the ‘screechy scratchys’ was first. They actually did quite well. Then the 6th grade orchestra, then the 7-8th grade orchestra. A short intermission/offering time, then we were on to the top guns. The high school students. The guys were dressed in black tuxes and the girls wore their black full length concert dresses. They looked quite impressive. Kirsten’s blue viola bow always stands out, well to me anyway. There she sat, front and center, her seat for the last 8 years, right next to one of her BFFs, Erika. She sat straight and tall, in concert poise with her viola resting upright on her leg and her bow at the ready. I suddenly realized, THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME.SHE.WILL.PLAY.FOR.SCHOOL.

Where did that time go? I felt a tear well up with the realization that my true ‘work’ with her is finished. She is ready to head into her first stage of adulthood, without me. Sure we have the summer, but after she graduates in a few weeks, for all intents and purposes, my real work with her is done. She is 18, finished with her grade-schooling, and will no longer be a physical-presence-part of our daily lives.

Kirsten and Kendra presenting Mr. VanSic with parting gifts.

I have never been the type of mom that mourns the progression of my kids’ childhood. I believe as a parent, it is my job to prepare them to move on and away from me. To be successful without me being a part of every aspect of their lives. I don’t want to control them, I want to teach them how to control themselves, make their own decisions, be confident in all situations when I am not physically present, advocate for themselves. But last night was strange. I have gone thru this before with Josh and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him advance thru his college years. This was different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was sad that her high school years were almost over.

This was a new feeling for me. I’ve always had a hard time relating to those moms that are sad when the summer vacation ends and school begins. I’ve listened to fellow high school seniors’ moms talk about how they aren’t ready for their child to graduate. On the contrary, I have been ready for her to graduate. That is, until last night. Hmmmm, maybe I AM a normal mom. Maybe I’m not the ‘cold hearted bitch’ that I tease my friends I am. Or maybe, I just need to sit and be still more often so that I can process ALL emotion.

Erika, Mr. Van Sic (VanSickle), Kirsten and Mijo

One thing is for sure. I enjoy my children, all of them. I also think we have done a pretty good job in teaching, instructing and guiding them into adulthood. Yes, my ‘work’ is done with Kirsten, now the real fun begins.