I have been having this problem for a while. I can be surrounded by people, but I feel lonely and lost. I hate it. I have always been a very social person. I have people in my life that I have known since I was A LOT younger, so I know that I am capable of developing and maintaining friendships (although I have had one person tell me that I am worthless at this, I know for a FACT that I am a GOOD FRIEND whose presence matters to other people). While I am blessed with many different relationships, I find that I am painfully lacking in those day-to-day encounters. I am most aware of this when I attend our church.
I work at our church, so some might think that I feel very connected to others there. While I definitely have a connection with co-workers (and their spouses), it is not the same thing that I am referring to. Again, I value those relationships, but what I am talking about is different. I am talking about those constant contact type relationships. The ones where you text each other random things and the recipient gets it, immediately. The type where you have standing ‘dates’ to go for a walk, or hit the thrift store on the weekly opening day looking for nothing in particular, but instead just hanging out and spending time. The kind where you just have the understanding that if you don’t have special plans on Friday night you will be at the other’s house. The kind of relationship where you go with each other to try on swim suits, laughing and disgusted at the same time (gosh I miss you Anna on this one! Hahaha!). The kind of relationship where when your spouse is annoying you, you know you can call them and they will listen and understand exactly what you mean. The kind of relationship where when you have a special project to do, you can be guaranteed that they will show up to help.
This desire of relationship has nothing to do with (nor am I intending to diminish the importance of) the wonderful relationships that I have with others, many of whom live outside a 5 mile radius. NOT.AT.ALL. I value each of you immensely. What I find myself physically hurting for is the day in/day out type of thing. I feel the absence of this the most when I attend our church.
This past Sunday morning, I found myself absolutely dreading going, it was pathetic. The reason I didn’t want to go is because I don’t know what to do with myself before and after the service. Dean is currently serving as an Elder, so he is required to go downstairs to the council room before service. (We call it the ‘Secret Society Men’s Meeting’, but that is material for another blog entry). We arrive early, he leaves me at the door and I am stuck in the foyer hoping for someone to talk with and make a meaningful connection. I.HATE.IT. I stand there and often no one stops to talk to me. We have had a lot of turmoil and drama at church the last year+ and so I actually have a group of people that refuse to even speak to me (I think it is because I work in the office and they have some issues they need to resolve–so since I work in the office, I am taboo for them). Some of these people USED to talk with me, but now they do anything they can to avoid me. I know it isn’t personal, but it feels VERY personal to me at times.
The same thing happens for me after the service. Again, Dean has to depart ahead of me so that he can greet people as they leave the sanctuary. I am left to chat with people as we empty the pews and exit the sanctuary. I get out into the sanctuary and I am not sure what to do. Everyone seems to disburse into their own clusters and groups. I have tried going and joining with others, but most of the time it is awkward and painfully obvious that they are enjoying their own intimate connection, perhaps discussing a recent activity together or planning their next one, and they have no need for me to be there. I often feel that if people didn’t have a reason to speak with me (i.e., need something from me that is related to my job), I would speak with no one.
It isn’t just Sundays. Living in a small community, I am very aware of who is doing what with whom. I know about the parties we aren't invited to. I know about the breakfasts and lunches that people are having. I know about the shopping excursions to Costco, or the days spent together at the lake. I know and appreciate that people have their connections and intimate friendships with each other and I am not a part of those. That is expected and perfectly normal. Not everyone can be involved with everyone. I will be honest that it isn’t that I am always desirous of being in their ‘group’, it is just that I miss being a part of some ‘group’. I know that there are people that have standing breakfast dates, scrapbooking dates, thrift store dates, kid exchange dates, game nights, etc.. I am genuinely happy for those that are able to enjoy these types of relationships. I am simply weary with feeling like the kid that gets picked last for the baseball team. To sum it up, I miss having relationships with two key factors: a) physical proximity and b) true intimacy.
When I get really defeated, I start to believe what that one person once told me, that it was unhealthy for her to be in friendship relationship with me. Was she right? Is that why I lack these types of relationships with people in my immediate vicinity? She told me to process her words with someone who would make me see the honesty in her words. I have spent a lot of time in painful self-examination as well as time processing with a dear friend. My friend assured me that my former friend's opinion had never been her experience with me and they have known me thru a lot of highs and lows over the last 30 years. So while I know that I have a lot of faults and flaws (which my dear friend acknowledges as well! haha), I do not agree with my former friend's opinion, but her voice pops up in the back of my head WAY too often. I hate it when I get defeated and I start to doubt myself and overlook the positives.
So lately, I can sometimes feel lonely in a crowded room. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about it. For now, I will keep reminding myself of the good things that close friends have said to me about who they know me to be. Maybe next Sunday I will interject myself into one of those ‘closed’ conversations and try to overcome the feelings that I am not wanted there. Maybe.
P.S. I have not written this in an attempt to garner sympathy or flattery. I am being openly honest and merely journaling (if you will) my thoughts and feelings of the moment.
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