Another Day of Joy.

So, I was in a good mood this morning.  I like to go to my new job and I was looking forward to a longer day where I could finally get some of the financial stuff entered into the computer.  I knew I could stay later today, so it was all good.  Lunch packed, coffee ready, all set.  I got to the office early.  Of course the 5 minute commute has a little to do with that.  LOVE.THAT.

After a half hour, I got a phone call from the school counseslor. She said that Annika was in the office, very upset and saying that on a scale of 1-10 she was a 7 for wanting to commit suicide. The counselor pushed her a bit but Annika said she didn’t want to talk about it, so the counselor called me. I told her that I felt it was safest for her to be at school and surrounded by people. That is not to say that I don't take what she says seriously, it is just that I also know that she is an expert in saying the things that she knows can manipulate.  AND in fact, last week I had a huge showdown with her on a Monday along the same lines.  That night, she confessed to me that she was trying to manipulate and work me to let her have a day off.  I told the counselor I was surprised by her statements, but if she could be in class without being a huge distraction to others that would be best. Apparently, yesterday Annika called her friend's house 15x (no school, boredom, wanting to get ahold of her friend, etc lead to a HUGE lapse in judgment and calling rules). Apparently, she left a couple of messages and the rest were just hang-ups (they were out of town for the day), but apparently her friend's parents look at their caller id and count numbers. WhatEVER. I have caller ID, but I am not in the habit of doing this, but I also don't have anyone 'stalking' me.  At school this morning, the friend went to Annika and said that her parents were really upset and mad at Annika for calling so much. GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTT. So, that caused Annika to go off. Then another girl, the one who loves to stir the pot and bully, had to throw in a little shit and the race was off.

Ok, so I get done talking with the counselor and with Annika. Always a delight when she is in that mode...'you don't understand Mom', 'you don't care about me', 'I can't do this'.  I knew that my 5 back-ups in these types of situations were all unavailable.  I told Annika it was not possible to go home.  Let's remember that I have a new job and that my attendance is a little more mandatory.

A few minutes later I get a call from the head of our shrink team, (Sharon, aka Yoda) telling me I have to go get Annika. The school counselor apparently called her. Sharon said reading between the lines, she didn’t think the school wanted the responsibility. So once again I feel like a shitty parent that is suspected by the school. I went to school and got her within 5 minutes. We came back to church. But, guess what happened then.

Well, in my haste to leave, I left my phone and my church keys on my desk. Not a big deal, I left my door open a crack, put a note on saying 'back in 5 minutes' and left.  No problem, EXCEPT that my office door sucked closed when I exited out the back door of church. I didn’t realize this until I got back to church and went upstairs to my office and oh joy, oh goodness, my door is closed and locked. I have this really awesome thing on my office door, automatic lock (who the decided that was necessary?)  Oh and did I mention that neither PJ, Yuanita, or Marv were anywhere to be found? After trying to pick the door lock with a paperclip, I finally got ahold of Marv and he came and unlocked it. This was all before 10 am

Have I mentioned how much I love my life??

UPDATE:  She survived.  We had an appointment later that afternoon and she mapped out a new plan of attack in these situations.  It involves numbers, ratings, feelings, reactions.  Another part of our routine.  She went to school the next day without a problem.

Another week already?

I can't believe it is Saturday already!  I find that I am having some difficulty adjusting to my new schedule and getting everything done in a week that I wish I could get done.  One of those things is blogging.  Maybe I need to make myself a big schedule.  That being said, I L-O-V-E my new job.  It isn't so much the actual duties of the job, it is instead the ability to see that my actions can effect change, positive change.  Simple things like making a few changes to the church bulletin format.  Something I did purely for myself.  The old form wasn't formatted in a way that was efficient for me, so I revamped it.  I categorized things, added some headings, warmed up some wording, just simple, basic things.  The amount of positive comments I have received on the changes has cracked me up.  No, I think it has amazed me.  I have honestly lost count at how many people have commented on how much they love the 'new format'.  It has me thinking: wow if this simple thing can make so many people smile and express pleasure, what else can I do that will make people happy?  After years of working in negativity, it is SUCH a joy!

It is true that negativity breeds negativity, my hope is that positive attitude can encourage positive attitude.  I have tried in vain for years to get those in my old office to view things in a more positive light.  No matter how hard I tried to project good ch'i, some never did come around to my way of thinking.  Then others came into the work place who were negative towards the job, the work and the workers, and I gave up.  I couldn't do it.  I succumbed to the negativity.   I found that slowly my positive attitude that I had worked so hard to display became less and less visible.  While I was also going thru an emotionally draining time during this, I wish that I would have been stronger, I wish I would have combatted the negativity.  I would have less regrets if I had been able to do that on a more consistent basis.

Recently someone told me that it had been difficult to be my friend because I had so much anger.  In fact they told me that they would never be able to count me as their friend again.  Harsh words, but sometimes the truth is harsh.  I acknowledge that there have been times the last two years when I thought, I don't want to be angry anymore.  While I have had several tell me that my anger was justified (after all, we have been thru some major crap the last 5 years), is anger ever really justified?  That being said, this person's  statements, also made me scratch my head.  This person is someone that has very harsh, unforgiving attitudes about a variety of people and topics.  I have heard this person express hatred countless times.  Bottom line, their negativity added to my negativity to the point that it resulted in my anger.  My negativity was encouraged by them, after all, no one likes to be alone on their bandwagon, I'm just disappointed in myself that I did it so easily.  It was wrong.  I'm also disappointed with myself that my negativity encouraged their negativity.  A vicious cycle, one I am not proud of.  One I regret.  My only hope is that thy may see in themselves what I am referring to.  I hope that they acknowledge they have some responsibility in what occured in the relationship.  I have a feeling though that they won't.  If it has to be 100% my responsibility for the failure of the relationship, then so be it. 

With the new year, and the new job, I have an opportunity to start over.  I can choose to feed into the negativity that is bound to be expressed by some (and that already has been).  OR, I can choose to diffuse the negative attitudes and statements by greeting them with something positive.  My prayer is that I will be stronger in this new season of my life.  I don't want to ever again become so negative that it gives way to anger that makes someone else forget all the good I do have in me.  Because I know I can be a really great friend, if you are willing to take me, warts and all.

Catching Up, part deux

The last month has brought some changes.  I am still working on http://www.overthemoongoods.com/, but during the holidays I found myself working on other projects.  January is time to hit it again.  Then there was a job opening that came up and I was asked to apply.  After a lot of thought (and prayer), I decided to apply.

I wasn't sure what would happen.  Between the time I applied and the time I was called in to interview, I went back and forth.  In fact, a day before I interviewed, I thought about pulling my application.  A friend talked me into letting it stay and seeing what would happen.  The following evening, the phone rang at 8:30 pm.  The hiring committee wanted to know if I could come and meet with them.  RIGHT THEN.  Uhm, sure no problem, just ignore the fact that my hair is wet as I just got out of the shower.  I can honestly say that I don't think I have ever interviewed for a job in jeans, ugg boots and fleece, oh and wet hair!

After an hour of round table interviewing (me answering questions from 5 men),  I was convinced that I wanted the job.  So when they offered it to me, I took it.  So 2011 began with a new job in a new field.  I have entered the non-profit realm and now work part-time for our church.  My duties include handling the financial 'stuff' as well as the office secretarial duties.  Being the 1960s (not really, but there are some on the committee that seem to have forgotten what decade we are in), they are still stuck on the term 'church secretary/bookkeeper'.  I could care less about a title, but I have to admit that in my mind, when I hear the word 'secretary' it conjures up images of cone bras, heavy, waist-cinching girdles, and double-knit dresses (think Joan on Mad Men).  Maybe one day they will change it to Administrative Assistant, since I seem to be assisting in the administration of the church.  Although I wasn't exactly ready to start working on a set schedule, I knew that if I didn't try I would regret not taking it later when I was feeling up to a set schedule again.  I enjoyed the first week and was anxious for the second.  We will see how it goes from here.  I will admit, it feels really good to enjoy going to work.

to be continued.

Catching Up

I realize it has been WAY too long since I sat down to write.  For the handful of you that read this, I'm sorry.  I promise to do better.  Since I am never one to say 'well I was busy' as an excuse, because let's face it we are all WAY too busy, I will instead try to fill in some of the gaps.

The last time I posted, the girls (that would be our girls, Kirsten and Annika) were starting their Christmas break.  While I usually enjoy these breaks from school  (because it means I don't have to worry about making sure Annika gets to bed, or that there are items which can easily be packed into Kirsten's school lunch, or that I need to remember to ask if homework has been done) this break seemed unusually chaotic.  Kirsten had a million different things planned and I found it very difficult to keep track of where she was going when.  I realized over break that my short term memory is not only failing, it has F-A-I-L-E-D.  I'm not really sure what is going on with that, but I found that no matter how many times she told me what she was doing when, I could never remember.  Annika's schedule was almost as hectic.  All of it good, but just hard for me to keep up with.  In the midst of all of that I found it very difficult to get it all together to cook dinner.  I mean when people are coming and going at different times, I hate planning and cooking meals.  If there are less than 4 eating at home, I often feel why bother?.  This isn't a HUGE deal, but it did mean that Josh got gyped out of home cooked meals every night.  I found myself asking him way too often, 'so what would you like for dinner tonight?'.  I don't think he minded that much, but I'm not sure.  So our Christmas break was filled with take-out; Mexican, Chinese, Vietnamese, Thai and maybe one trek thru the Taco Bell drive-thru for good measure.

Christmas was somewhat uneventful.  We had a change in the usual Christmas routine.  Christmas Eve we were blessed to share with good friends who came for a meal and then we all went to church together.  It was a night that allowed us to have some quiet as a family.  Christmas Day was also a little uncharacteristic for us.  We found that we had nothing scheduled until 5 pm that day.  Again, strange, but a nice day to rest and take our time with each other. 

A few days later, Josh headed back to his campus apartment.  This was a little strange for us.  We realized it was the first year he wasn't at home with us on New Year's.  Dean and I realized we had reached a milestone in our parenthood.  We are still trying to figure out how we feel about that exactly.  New Year's Eve found Kirsten juggling friends and Annika enjoying her new bff.  For a second year in a row, Dean and I found ourselves without an invite to New Year Festivities.  Again, this felt strange, especially when later you see and hear of others' activities for the evening.  Then again, we were both battling colds and thoroughly enjoyed watching a movie together and going to bed early.  Again asking ourselves, are we THAT old??  The reality is no, we are not that old, we are just that tired.  Many discussions were had about boundaries.  We realize that while there are lots of good things that we can be involved in, it isn't always good FOR us to be involved in them.  We still need to figure this one out, but the topic it is definitely getting our attention as we have both now been battling a nagging cold the last 3 weeks, more than likely an indirect result of overcommitment.

more catching up later.

The Christmas letter I won’t be sending.

I’ve been in a debate with myself about our annual Christmas letter. I am pretty sure that I am going to skip this little diddy this year. Mainly I feel it is redundant in the days of Facebook and blog posting. Most that care, already have the ins and outs of our year. I still like to dream about the content that I would put into such a dissertation if I were to write one. I dream of sending one out that would make people go ‘whoa, I can’t believe she put that in their letter’. If I was to write a brutally honest expose, it might look like this:

Dear friends and family. As 2010 draws to a close, I can’t help but reflect upon the past year. 2010 began with a whimper, my own. As 2010 ends, we find ourselves still married and no one facing criminal charges, so we are chalking it up to a successful year. We find ourselves employed, although at jobs that we often dread, but they allow us to barely pay the bills, so we will stick with them. Some of us are still working on finding the right medication routine, so in the meantime we seem to have amassed quite a collection of pharmaceuticals, which we keep in a shoe box in our closet. Not sure why we feel the need to hang onto all of these half-filled bottles, and why we keep them in a shoe box, but that is how it is.

The neighborhood is experiencing some change.  We are anticipating the low rent district showing some promise of improvement this next year.  The family of 20 that rents across the street is preparing to move out on December 31.  We will miss their wild children running naked in the summer.  We will miss watching the children sled down the dirt pile.  Most of all we will miss their mangled trampoline that lays in a heap on the lawn after it blew across the road during the last big wind storm.  We were hoping that the other neighbor might be jailed this year for his constant screaming, but alas it didn't happen.  We were pretty stoked to see that he bought a big ass motorhome that he often keeps parked on the street, impeding traffic.  His collection of inflatable holiday lawn globes was magnificient this year.  I love lawn art.  Even better is that the neighbors out our back door (in the trailer park) painted their home a magnificient pepto pink.  LOVE.IT.

The kids:

Josh is loving his new major, Linguistics. Sure, he isn’t guaranteed any type of actual paying job when he graduates, as was the case with his previous electrical engineering major, but he is happy. We find him often muttering in foreign languages. He has subscribed to the total immersion way of learning language, so when he is home on breaks and you enter his bedroom you are greeted with a variety of language being transmitted from his computer. This break he has spent hours watching old Disney animated movies in the French. While some may find his sitting around in his flannel pj pants all day listening to French or Italian or Spanish annoying, we are thankful that he loves what he is studying, after all he should since the tuition bill is $39k/year. As long as he doesn’t forget to talk to us in English we are good. He is still madly in love with his girlfriend Evy, but for now they say they will wait for marriage until AFTER college. Whew!

Kirsten (aka Bif)--in her senior year of high school--is trying to participate in anything and everything she can, all at the same time. We are slightly concerned that she is turning into a hoarder. Reasons for this fear are varied. One, I found a collection of her old worn slippers under her bed (I can’t remember what I was looking for) and two she doesn’t like to empty the garbage under her sink. She seems to prefer letting it fill the entire cabinet before her parents have had enough and empty it. She has managed to outsmart the Lynden Police on more than one occasion and remains ticket free! We were a little worried that she might get ‘pinched’ this summer when she and friends were in the park after hours watching the meteor shower. Harmless fun until the cops come looking to see whose car is parked there and shine a searchlight looking for delinquents who have violated the after dark trespass law. They managed to stay low to the ground and out of the searchlight. That would have been a big ticket. Bif and Cleetus (aka Erika) are constantly plotting something. Lucky for us they are smart girls and so they know how to stay out of real trouble.

Annika is in 8th grade and is slowly preparing for high school. Her year at home has been interesting. She amazes me how tough she can be. We feel she is our first teenager as we go thru the jr. high drama. For now she seems to be hanging out with girls whose main goal ISN’t to have a baby by the time they are 15 so we are thankful for that. For now we don’t think we have to worry about her bringing home a 17 y/o boy as her boyfriend (as some of her old friends have done)–she seems content to just be friends with the ones that are her age. She tells us daily stories of boys farting and belching and taunting teachers. Ah yes junior high. She has also brought her Science grade from a ‘J’ (meaning it was so far below a ‘F’ that we decided to call it something else), to a B. We are so proud. All kidding aside, we are glad that she is getting healthier every day.

So we end 2010 in debt up to our eyeballs, but still laughing and enjoying each other’s company. We hardly cry at all anymore over the fact that the house we own is worth less than our mortgage. It is really fine. Really, it is. Bottom line, the kids still want us all to hang out together on a regular basis, whether that means a long weekend away or playing a game, or watching a movie together. It is all good.

Merry Christmas!

It has been an interesting week.

It has been another interesting week.  Both good and bad and then the not so good and not so bad.  Today as I sit here though I have some peace.  I feel that I have been able to clarify a few things in my mind and that feels wonderful.  I will share a little of what I learned this week, (or what I was reminded of this week).

I enjoy listening.  Don't misunderstand me, I LOVE talking too!  Those of you that know me,  know that.  But, I honestly enjoy listening to other people tell me things about their lives.  I never fail to learn something.

I can take criticism, even the harsh and super-critical kind.  I don't like it (who does?), but I will always process it thoughtfully, regardless of the deliverer.  Sometimes I process a bit too much and then get into a self-flogging mode.  I truly believe I am my own worst critic.  I say that because I often receive encouragement from a variety of people to give myself some credit where credit is due.  I am sure some might disagree with me on this and say that I can be difficult to critique, but I have learned that those are usually the ones that have a difficult time taking responsibility for their own actions.

I'm learning that I can't fix everything.  I have also learned that is ok to take a step back and not even try to fix everything.  Sometimes when I try to fix or resolve something, I make an even bigger mess of it (insert self-flogging here).  While some may question my motives and intentions, I know in my heart that I never set out with evil intent.  Sometimes I may be misguided in my efforts, but it is only because I care, sometimes too much.  No matter how much I try, sometimes it won't be enough, or it may be entirely off the mark.  I'm learning to forgive myself and move on.

Some people have difficulty accepting responsibility for their own actions, or acknowledging their own actions.  I've learned that you cannot have meaningful relationships with people who fall into this category.  If someone is consistently talking negatively of those that they say they love, steer clear.  Don't be lulled into a false sense of security that they trust you.  After all if they didn't why would they share such negativity about those they love with you.  Guess what, they don't trust you.  I don't believe they have trust for anyone, other than themselves.  I also have experienced that people that fall into this category will always choose themselves and their needs, wants and desires first, regardless if it hurts others.  Even if that means making those that they love give up something that is important to them.

These are just a few things that I have processed this week.  There are more, but that is all for now.

Things on my mind.

This is going to be a writing exercise in 'stream of consciousness'.  Today I am pretty convinced that I have ADD as my mind jumps from one thing to another to another.  Rather than try to organize a group of related thoughts into fluid sentences and paragraphs, I think I will just share a glimpse of what the inner workings of my mind look like.  I know, its a scarey place.  Don't judge, I'm just being honest.

Some random thoughts:

1)  What should we have for dinner tonight?  I'm not sure but I think it should involve gorgonzola cheese and bacon.
2)  I had book club last night so I got to stay in the big house at co-housing.  The only problem was that there didn't seem to be any warm water for my shower this morning and when I say no warm water I mean there was only COLD water available.  I can't do cold showers unless I am in the tropics.  I had to go to work early so I didn't want to wake Aa and K8, so I shook a bottle of baby powder all over me, curled my hair and headed out the door.  Now its almost 5 and I can't decide if it is worth it to take a shower or just call it good.
3)  My bra is really digging into my right side..I'm prettty sure it's leaving a mark.
4)  Do I have to cook tonight or can I get away with feeding everyone leftover stuffing and mashed potatos and gravy???  If only the turkey wasn't all gone.
5)  I applied for a new job, but I really wish I would win the lottery instead.
6)  Looking thru Kirsten's senior masquerade pictures I keep thinking I wish I could go thru high school again, only with her confidence.
7)  The damn cat knocked over my new vase and broke it.  Should I try to glue it or just toss it?
8)  Someone just told me Dean is having surgery.  Hmmmm, I didn't know that, I think I forgot to ask him about something...
9)  Is it Wednesday or Thursday?  I can't remember
10)  I wonder how much I can use the 'i have no vitamin d in my system' as an excuse for doing things I don't like?
11)  I think I forgot to eat lunch.  I'm not really sure, but I certainly can't be this hungry if I HAD eaten lunch.
12)  I wonder if I can talk Dean into going out to dinner?
13)  I really need to figure out when I'm going to put Christmas decorations up.  Do you think anyone would notice if I don't put up the tree this year?
15)  I wonder if I smell like I didn't have a shower today? 
16)  I can't feel my left pinky finger...has it been like that for long and I didn't notice or?
17)  I wonder if I could get by with serving a variety of cheeses and crackers for dinner on a Wednesday night?  Would they notice there was no real meal?
18)  Is 4:00 pm too early to put PJs on if you aren't sick?
19)  I wish I could find some fuzzy socks to put on.
20)  I think I can put on PJs, it is dark out.