Letting go.

How do you let things go? I have a MAJOR issue with this in some circumstances. Some things, I am so good about letting go of. Purging my closet. Purging my cupboards. Moving to a new home. Getting rid of major items. All of those things come rather easily to me. The thing that is tough for me is to move past those emotional hurts that I can do absolutely NOTHING about. I’ve written about this before. What do you do when you know you need to move on and forget, but you keep running in that circle?

Today I am in that loop again. Dean gets annoyed with me sometimes, because I will bring the same thing up over, and OVER, and OVER AGAIN. He will say to me ‘why do you keep torturing yourself?’. I honestly don’t know the answer to that. The logical part of me is completely sane in these matters, the emotional part of me is a complete wreck. I lose sleep. I wake up at night and go over situations and over and over them. I replay conversations. I think of things that I wish I had said, or that I wish I could say or that I wish I hadn’t said. Bottom line, usually I can’t get over it because I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss someone, or I miss the relationship that I thought we had.

We have been in a small ‘crisis’ mode around our house this past week. Our youngest is in emotional turmoil about going to school next week and so she has taken a few steps backwards in her journey towards good mental health. It is always tough when this happens. This week is no different. Yesterday, her Dr. told me to NOT stay home with her. She said it was Dean’s turn and for me to stay home with her would not be a good thing for her. So, what was I to do with my day? I didn’t have to be at work. The pathetic part was, that I sat and thought, I don’t really have anyone that I can go hang out with for the day. I miss having close relationships where I could call and say, hey I am coming over. You know, the type of last minute/pop in/ randomly text cryptic messages only they understand kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong, we have some amazing people in our lives, but yesterday I felt very alone. Maybe because it is the type of situation where you are alone, no matter who you have in your life. Only Dean and I really know how it feels to be her parent. It isn’t fair to expect other people to understand.

I ended up spending the day doing a variety of things. We had 2 appointments so that took up some time. I went to a restaurant and read a book while eating lunch. I got a pedicure. I did some browsing in different discount stores. It was a peaceful day, all things considered, but it gave me too much time to think. And then, I found myself again in that loop of feeling inadequate and bad friendship material. I’m still there again today. If only the one I really miss contact with would reach out. But I know that won’t happen and so for today, I’m going to be sad about that. And tomorrow, is a new day.