The Inferior Mother

Lately I have been questioning my parenting style. Maybe ‘questioning’ is not the proper term. I’m not sure what the proper term is. It might be more accurate to say that I have been ‘comparing’ my parenting style to others. I live in small community where a lot of the mothers are able to stay at home full time with their children; or at least they are at home full time until their kids are all school age. Then one by one a lot of Moms return to the work force, but not all of them.

A majority of the moms I know who hold jobs outside of their homes work part-time. The exception are those that are teachers or those whose kids are all in high school or beyond. Many of the moms that are able to be at home full time, volunteer, some of them A LOT. I am always appreciative of those Moms who put in their volunteer time, please know that it does NOT go overlooked by me. During my tenure as a ‘mom’, I have held all sorts of work schedules. I’ve worked full-time to no-time to everything in between. The only time periods when I haven’t worked at all have been surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent births of my kids, or time off for surgery and recoup. This is how it works for us and I’ve been ok with that. But, I have a problem with insecurity when it comes to those moms who have been able to stay at home full-time. They make me feel inferior.

I know that I am a good Mom, but I also know that I am not a candidate for ‘mom of the year’, or ‘super mom’. I sometimes ignore my children when they speak to me. I occasionally get annoyed when they ask me for things (especially when I have just returned from the grocery store). I forget the details of their schedules that they have repeated to me who knows how many times. I do not volunteer to be in their classroom, drive the school bus or van, or organize a class gift for the teacher and/or coach. I do not host the end of year party, the end of season party or anything in between, although kids are in and out of my home with frequency. I have served on ‘playground duty’ maybe once when my middle child was in first grade. I don’t like to bake for bake sales (although contrary to other community moms’ beliefs I am an excellent cook–I just don’t like to take the time to bake). Bottom line, I don’t like to volunteer for [insert task at school here]. However, if called upon I will clear my schedule and fit these things into my schedule if required, but I RARELY ever volunteer for such tasks.

In spite of all of these things that I do not do, I know that I am a good Mom. I am a ferocious advocate for my kids–but I also know when to back off, hold my tongue, and let my child chose to advocate for themselves. I gave/give my children room to participate in activities with me not being there. More often than not, I sat out on class field trips and/or class trips. That being said, I don’t think I ever missed an event that my child asked me to attend. If I did it was because of dire illness or hospitalization of myself or another immediate family member. I have no problem saying ‘no’ to my kids when necessary. I also like to surprise them with little things and the unexpected ‘yes’ to those questions that they know are a longshot, but which they get up the courage to ask anyway. I love my kids and I know that they love me. I love the individuals that they are, each of them not afraid to speak their minds, yet cognizant of others right to have an opinion contrary to their own.

So why do I feel inferior to those other moms that do all of the things that I do not do? Why do I feel like I am inadequate in my role as mother because I am not organizing family game night?

My mom was a full time stay at home Mom. My father forbid her to work. Financially we needed her to work, but he put his foot down and seriously forbid her to work outside the home. Instead, she was at home and miserable. She also never volunteered for the myriad of things that I have listed. Instead, she filled her hours with obsessively cleaning, organizing, labeling and manicuring anything and everything that was in her sights. To this day I cannot convince her that her worth is not measured by how well she keeps the flowerbeds that surround her rented apartment. I’m guessing that she felt inferior to other moms as well, only my guess is she felt inferior to those moms that DID work outside the home.

So the inferiority continues from generation to generation. I hope that line stops with me.

P.S.  The Disclaimer:  I am in no way trying to critique moms who have chosen a different path than me. Rather, expressing how I often feel inferior to moms who have been able to spend more time directly involved in their kids' lives. I often feel that I don't 'measure up' to them. One such example that made me shrink was a few weeks ago when I was invited to an event where everyone was to bake a pan of bars to share--then bring the recipe to share to boot. Being a day where I was at work for most of it, I opted to make a pan from a box mix and in my quirky humor fashioned a recipe card out of the box label. Upon arriving, one of the moms (who has always enjoyed being at home full time and who is an excellent baker and dessert maker) commented 'I wondered how you were going to handle this one because I know you don't cook'. Now while I knew my reasons for using the box mix, and while I knew that I can in fact whip up amazing meals without recipes, I still felt inferior. Nevermind that my daughter thought my whole idea was hysterical and brilliant. In other words, it was NOT the other mom's fault, it was my own and THAT frustrates me.