The Inferior Mother

Lately I have been questioning my parenting style. Maybe ‘questioning’ is not the proper term. I’m not sure what the proper term is. It might be more accurate to say that I have been ‘comparing’ my parenting style to others. I live in small community where a lot of the mothers are able to stay at home full time with their children; or at least they are at home full time until their kids are all school age. Then one by one a lot of Moms return to the work force, but not all of them.

A majority of the moms I know who hold jobs outside of their homes work part-time. The exception are those that are teachers or those whose kids are all in high school or beyond. Many of the moms that are able to be at home full time, volunteer, some of them A LOT. I am always appreciative of those Moms who put in their volunteer time, please know that it does NOT go overlooked by me. During my tenure as a ‘mom’, I have held all sorts of work schedules. I’ve worked full-time to no-time to everything in between. The only time periods when I haven’t worked at all have been surrounding the pregnancy and subsequent births of my kids, or time off for surgery and recoup. This is how it works for us and I’ve been ok with that. But, I have a problem with insecurity when it comes to those moms who have been able to stay at home full-time. They make me feel inferior.

I know that I am a good Mom, but I also know that I am not a candidate for ‘mom of the year’, or ‘super mom’. I sometimes ignore my children when they speak to me. I occasionally get annoyed when they ask me for things (especially when I have just returned from the grocery store). I forget the details of their schedules that they have repeated to me who knows how many times. I do not volunteer to be in their classroom, drive the school bus or van, or organize a class gift for the teacher and/or coach. I do not host the end of year party, the end of season party or anything in between, although kids are in and out of my home with frequency. I have served on ‘playground duty’ maybe once when my middle child was in first grade. I don’t like to bake for bake sales (although contrary to other community moms’ beliefs I am an excellent cook–I just don’t like to take the time to bake). Bottom line, I don’t like to volunteer for [insert task at school here]. However, if called upon I will clear my schedule and fit these things into my schedule if required, but I RARELY ever volunteer for such tasks.

In spite of all of these things that I do not do, I know that I am a good Mom. I am a ferocious advocate for my kids–but I also know when to back off, hold my tongue, and let my child chose to advocate for themselves. I gave/give my children room to participate in activities with me not being there. More often than not, I sat out on class field trips and/or class trips. That being said, I don’t think I ever missed an event that my child asked me to attend. If I did it was because of dire illness or hospitalization of myself or another immediate family member. I have no problem saying ‘no’ to my kids when necessary. I also like to surprise them with little things and the unexpected ‘yes’ to those questions that they know are a longshot, but which they get up the courage to ask anyway. I love my kids and I know that they love me. I love the individuals that they are, each of them not afraid to speak their minds, yet cognizant of others right to have an opinion contrary to their own.

So why do I feel inferior to those other moms that do all of the things that I do not do? Why do I feel like I am inadequate in my role as mother because I am not organizing family game night?

My mom was a full time stay at home Mom. My father forbid her to work. Financially we needed her to work, but he put his foot down and seriously forbid her to work outside the home. Instead, she was at home and miserable. She also never volunteered for the myriad of things that I have listed. Instead, she filled her hours with obsessively cleaning, organizing, labeling and manicuring anything and everything that was in her sights. To this day I cannot convince her that her worth is not measured by how well she keeps the flowerbeds that surround her rented apartment. I’m guessing that she felt inferior to other moms as well, only my guess is she felt inferior to those moms that DID work outside the home.

So the inferiority continues from generation to generation. I hope that line stops with me.

P.S.  The Disclaimer:  I am in no way trying to critique moms who have chosen a different path than me. Rather, expressing how I often feel inferior to moms who have been able to spend more time directly involved in their kids' lives. I often feel that I don't 'measure up' to them. One such example that made me shrink was a few weeks ago when I was invited to an event where everyone was to bake a pan of bars to share--then bring the recipe to share to boot. Being a day where I was at work for most of it, I opted to make a pan from a box mix and in my quirky humor fashioned a recipe card out of the box label. Upon arriving, one of the moms (who has always enjoyed being at home full time and who is an excellent baker and dessert maker) commented 'I wondered how you were going to handle this one because I know you don't cook'. Now while I knew my reasons for using the box mix, and while I knew that I can in fact whip up amazing meals without recipes, I still felt inferior. Nevermind that my daughter thought my whole idea was hysterical and brilliant. In other words, it was NOT the other mom's fault, it was my own and THAT frustrates me.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

I just left the high school. I have been trying to schedule Annika’s 9th grade year. The process shouldn’t be that difficult. I think I may have bit thru my tongue. Pretty sure it is at least bleeding. I wish someone could explain to me how a principal of a high school doesn’t understand that some kids have struggles with learning and so the district needs to be a little more flexible with these kids AND that if a parent makes a suggestion about what would work best for their child to succeed it should be heeded.

It shouldn’t be this difficult. Lynden public schools has a pretty easy system. You have 2 semesters, and 4 classes per semester. In March, when we registered Annika for this fall, we put in some very specific requests for Annika. These requests were based on specific, well thought out recommendations by our shrink for how to best handle Annika’s schedule. So, in March, we filled out our paperwork, we submitted it along with our note explaining why we were requesting the order of classes. I also had an email exchange with the head of Special Ed outlining what we had submitted. No problem he said, we will get back to you. I didn’t hear a thing until I e-mailed last week asking where we were at in her schedule.

It shouldn’t be this difficult. This is what we asked for:

First Semester: Math, Guitar, English, Digital Communications (guitar is the only elective)

Second Semester: World Geography, Science, Study Skills, Art (art is the only elective)

This is what we got:

First Semester: Nutrition, English, Guitar, Science

Second Semester: Math, Digital Communications, Geography, Study Skills

Now on the surface it doesn’t seem like too many changes right? Here is the problem, Annika will not have Math for 7 MONTHS. This FREAKS.ME.OUT.

Math is Annika’s trigger point. Math is the class that Annika tests well below her grade level. Math is the reason why Annika has an I.E.P. (Individualized Education Plan). Annika qualifies for services based on her current “disability” in Math. When Annika was younger, and her anxiety was peaked, she missed out on learning A.LOT. Math is the biggest one of those things she missed. During 8th grade she made a lot of ground in Math. Now I fear that she will lose all of that. The principal I met with was less than helpful. He just stared at me blankly. I asked him for help in figuring out ways that we can get her math services during first semester. No response. Finally after stating for the third time ‘I need your help to help us figure out how to keep her successful in her learning’, he responded that maybe there was some sort of Math curriculum on CD that he could get for us. GOOD.FRIGGIN.GRIEF.

I find it hard to believe that I am the only parent that has this concern about a child with learning issues in a particular subject. If you have a student that qualifies for services in Math or English, is it wise for that child to go without that class for half of their school year? I know that there are several proponents for year round education based on the logic that large breaks from school make even the average students forget what they have learned. Apparently I am the only one that has heard that–because today the principal kept looking at me going ‘well this works for 850 students, I don’t think it is wrong’. No, you ding-bat I didn’t say it was wrong, what I said is that I know it won’t work for MY child and I am sure there are OTHER children that it doesn’t work for either so WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS?

It shouldn’t be this difficult. Should it??

Family Vacation

I'm getting annoyed.  We have been trying to line up a summer family vacation since January.  Finally in May we decided we better get something on the books or the entire summer would pass (like last summer) and we will have had no time away as a family.  We aren't trying to plan much, just a few days away at a house on the water in Poulsbo.  It shouldn't be that difficult to get 5 people (possibly 6, we would like Josh's gf Evy along too) out of town for 5 nights.  Sure we have to drive a couple of hours and take a ferry to our destination, but that shouldn't be THAT difficult, should it?

The summer calendar is full of important things like work, classes, weddings, appointments, meetings, fair week (to some of us that is important).  The older everyone gets the less free blocks of time there are.  So you prioritize and we booked the vacation for mid-July.

This weekend we debated the dates again and some of us decided that maybe the dates should be switched.  Arrggghhhhhh, so I e-mailed the owner of the rental house and she graciously said we could change the dates.  While it was a majority decision to change the dates it was not a unanimous decision.  I know I will hear some grief about the changed dates.  Why is it SO difficult for us to block ourselves out of all obligations for 5 days? 

I think Annika's shrink was right, there are 'committed' people and 'non-committed' people.  We joked with her that we should be committed.  She said that for people (like us) that make commitments and stick with them life can be very stressful and involve burn-out most of the time.  I like that we make commitments and are dependable and reliable.  BUT, sometimes I wish we could be the type of people that don't make commitments--you know the ones I mean.  The ones that when you ask them 'would you be able to [insert item here]', the response usually goes something like:  'well sure if we are around, we aren't sure what we are doing yet'.   This kind of response always makes me crazy--maybe it makes me crazy because I am jealous.  I don't think I could EVER do that and maybe secretly I wish I could??  No, we are the type of people that if someone asks us if we are available we answer definitively.  No wiggle room.   I've even gone so far as to say (on too many occasions to count):  'you let me know when and I will make it work'.  I think it may be time for us to start consciously building in wiggle room, but it goes against the grain for me.

WE.ARE.GOING. on vacation for 5 days at the end of the summer--for better or for worse.  I'm already stressing about how I'm going to get my job covered.  *sigh*

For Sale: 1 home and lots of "stuff"

Well we did it. After the culmination of months of discussion we put the For Sale sign in the front yard. That’s right, it is official (or at least Craig’s-List-For-Sale-By-Owner-sign-out-front- house-for-sale-web-page official). Of course the questions have started. That is fine, it is all part of it, I would be the same way. A sampling of questions:

1. ‘Why? Curious. Wish we could buy it.’

2. ‘Did someone pull a prank on you an put the sign in your yard?’

3. ‘Are you moving out of the area?’

4. ‘Why would you want to sell your house?’

5. ‘Where are you going?’

So it begins. The main reason we are selling, M-O-N-E-Y. There I said it. That thing that Dutch people don’t like to talk about. I suppose to say that so succinctly doesn’t really explain it in enough detail to satisfy all questions. Bottom line, income has gone down and expenses continue to go up. While some of the choices for the income going down have been our own (namely me giving up my big law firm paycheck to maintain my sanity and hopefully restore my health), some reasons for income going down have been out of our control. The expenses going up? Again some reasons we take full responsibility for, others completely out of our control.

‘It is just a house’. I find that I have repeated this phrase to several during the last few days. I honestly mean it. While this ‘house’ is currently our ‘home’ I know that we can make a home anywhere, even if that ends up meaning our next home is half this size again. I’m ok with giving up my custom-designed and built home. It was a fun project (although honestly some of the fun of building was taken away as it was during a very difficult time of our lives), but I am finished with it now and ready to see where I can create a home next.

My difficulty with all of this is going to be the part where I need to be still, and P-A-T-I-E-N-T for God to reveal the where, when and how we are going to move from this house. I have this problem with making decisions. No, it is not that I can’t make decisions, I can with no problem. I can also make them and not waiver and go back on them. No, my problem is that once I make them I want the decisions carried out and plans implemented immediately. So while I made the decision in my head many, many months ago that as soon as Kirsten graduated we would put the house up for sale, others in my household have taken a little more time to get on board. So while the sign just went up yesterday, I am already planning the king of all garage sales where we sell EVERYTHING. Ok, maybe not everything, I want to keep my Grandma Johnson’s and my Auntie Al’s china that I inherited. Everything else can really go. Oh and ok, with the exception of my sewing room contents...I really love that Viking embroidery machine I have and those stacks and stacks of fabric that I have projects planned for–those I really would like to keep.

Which brings me to the next thing I am going to have to process with the other members of my household: what to keep and what to get rid of. I believe that is going to be enough material for SEVERAL blog entries.

Stay tuned....

Graduation

Well it is done.  Kirsten successfully graduated from high school.  The parties are done, the presents are opened, the leftover party food is packed away.  We survived.  Exhausted, but alive!  While we had no doubt that she would graduate, with honors, we are proud of her accomplishments.  Kirsten graduated second in her class--she received this neat little plaque naming her as 'Salutatorian'.  I keep having to check the spelling on that word.  I know that she didn't have a huge class (93 graduated), so I know her odds were good, but she worked hard and we are proud of her.  The Valedictorian, Kendra (aka Kendy) is a girl she has known since birth, the youngest daughter of good friends.  We figured that the difference between the girls' cumulative GPAs can be broken down to Kendy doing Concert Choir (which gives you some extra GPA points) and Kirsten failing to achieve an 'A' out of Mr. DeHoog's Freshman PE class (that is subject matter for another blog entry all on its own).  In other words, they both worked really hard to achieve their high honors. 

We are proud of her.  But it isn't for reasons like the salutatorian award or the list of scholarships awarded.  No, the real reason we are proud has to do more with what people have shared about her to us.  During the past few weeks we have heard from many different people about how they feel about Kirsten.  Staff, administration, teachers, parents of friends, classmates.  Adjectives such as 'kind' and 'caring' and 'responsible'.  Phrases like: 'her smile just lights everything up'; 'I know I can count on her to always get it done'; 'she is such a nice, nice girl'; 'Her servant heart is apparent'; 'She has a heart for mission'.   Those are the things that make us the most proud; knowing that she is living her life mindful of others, caring for others and being kind to others.  We teased with someone that it was 'good parenting' but the reality is that it is ALL her and how God works thru her.  We tried to show her the way, but she is the one who made the choice on how she wanted to live and react and think about and with those she comes into contact with. 

I know this may seem a little braggy.  I am mindful that it may come across that I think my child is perfect...nope, she has her faults and failures just like the rest of us.  But for the past week, we have been operating in an 'it-is-all-about-Kirsten' mode and it is ok sometimes to brag it up a bit.



Annika, Kirsen and Joshua...her siblings were pretty proud of her too!



Happy Graduation Kirsten!  Can't wait to see what happens next!

Speaking of Invites...

So I had an interesting question posed to me today.  I was having a discussion with someone that I consider to be a friend.  We had invited them to Kirsten's graduation party because: a) we enjoy them, b) we wanted to celebrate Kirsten's graduation with people that we enjoy spending time with and c) if it was their child graduating I would hope that they would include us in their celebration because we would like to share special moments with them as well.  We have had these people in our home socially, we speak with them regularly, we attend church with them.  We LIKE them and we wanted to share a happy moment with them.  But today, I was hurt when they said to me: 

"I don't get this graduation party thing--I don't want to offend, but I am curious as to why we were included...I understand why we were invited to [Name]'s party because we DO things with them, but we don't really know Kirsten"  (slight paraphrasing because my mind is shot, emphasis added).

Sadly, after our conversation, I was again reminded that there are people in this world that view invites as an obligation to give something and it makes them uncomfortable.  That was NEVER my intention with any of our invitees.  Honestly we wanted to invite people into our home to join us in celebrating the beginning of Kirsten's adulthood.  We wanted to share something fun with others.

Now I know that I just wrote about why on earth we received invite to someone else's grad party.  I believe I posed query because the party that invited us had previously deemed us people who would abuse their child, so why on earth would they want us at their home?  The invitors were also people that we NEVER SPEAK TO.  This is far from the case with those that we invited to our home.   I am not so dense that I don't realize that the recipient of my invite obviously had the same questions I did--'WHY ARE THEY INVITING US?'.

I tried to make light of it, because I was suddenly filled with emotion and hurt.  I tried to joke with my invitee that we have had a lot of people distance themselves from us the last few years and that since they were people that still talk to us, we wanted to invite them.  Dean and I believe the distance with many is because of our lives becoming a little too messy for some people's comfort zones--we know most people aren't real comfortable around acute mental illness situations.  We also are aware that people maybe stopped calling us because the incredible stress, financial strain and chaos that is our lives the past few years doesn't always make us the most fun people to hang out with, HOWEVER that doesn't mean that we don't yearn for socializing with others.  That doesn't mean that we don't mourn those lost social invites and friendships.

I still don't think my invitee really understood what I was trying to say.  I finally told them that they were under no obligation to celebrate with us--we just wanted to extend the invite. 

So, if you got an invite from us, WE DON'T EXPECT A GIFT.  That isn't WHY we invited you.  We extended an invitation to our home to celebrate a milestone in our daughter's life.  We thought you might like to share our joy.  AND, if you didn't receive an invitation from us and were expecting one, I apologize.  We thought you might question 'why are they sending us this?' and we didn't want you to feel obligated.

Age difference

I am at job #2 today.  We had a new receptionist start.  Actually she isn't entirely 'new', she worked for us a few years back and has now returned.  So, we were standing around talking and she notices my foot.  My foot is a mess today...it looks like I dropped a brick on it.  The reality is that my darn bursitis is acting up.  Awesome.  So our conversation went something like this:

Her:   "What happened to your foot?"

Me:  "It is bursitis inflammation"

Her:  "What is that?"

Me:  "Something old people get"

Her:  "Oh, it looks horrible.  Do you want to see my bruise?"

Me:  "Sure"

Her, pulling pantleg up reveals a large bruise covering her knee.

Me: "What happened?"

Her:  "Oh, I was drunk and tried to jump into a boat this weekend, I didn't make it."

Me:  "Your story is much more interesting than mine".

And I was again reminded of our difference in age....