When did THIS happen?

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other night. I was shocked. I stopped and stared back and really saw myself. When did this happen? When did I get old? When did I stop being a size 3? HOW did this happen? I became a little despondent--am I really 42? Is it really true that I can only get a size 3 jeans up to my knees, on a good day?? Why didn’t someone tell me??

I think it was such a shock because in my mind I am still a young, rail-thin girl. It doesn’t help that my oldest daughter, Kirsten, is built exactly how I was at her age. I was the kid that the high school boys would tease ‘why don’t you gain some weight!’. I was S-K-I-N-N-Y. The person staring back at me from my mirror definitely was NOT this same person. Another wake-up call was when Kirsten could barely fit into MY senior prom dress.

It has been a gradual thing. The usual progression that happens after you say ‘I do’. First, the honeymoon stage where you are cooking actual meals each night. Calorie counting doesn’t factor in, you just cook what sounds and tastes good. You are young, cholesterol and fat and sugar counts are inconsequential. Then came the child bearing phase. Those were each good for a few extra pounds that didn’t seem to go away by the new child’s first birthday(s). Suddenly your ass has spread a little wider and you can’t fit into the molded plastic child swings anymore.

I was oblivious to those warning signs that should have made my plight obvious. In hindsight I realize I should have paid attention when my belts got smaller. When my clothing felt tight and I thought the clothes dryer was the culprit. When I looked at pictures and thought, the shot was taken at a bad angle.

Dean asked me yesterday what weight was listed on my driver’s license. When I told him, he just looked at me and said, ‘uhmmm, don’t you think you should update that?’ I was incredulous! No I will be that weight again, why change it? Then we started laughing, my driver’s license says 120! There is NO WAY I will ever be that weight again, nor would I want to be. It was then that I realized that my response to all of this is clear cut D-E-N-I-A-L.

Currently, Jenny Craig has an ad campaign featuring Valerie Bertinelli modeling sacks of potatoes strapped to her. She drops the bags of potatoes and proclaims that she feels amazing after shedding the equivalent of those 40 pounds of potatoes. It’s a visual that I can’t seem to shake. I don’t have THAT much to lose, but when you step on the scale and start thinking of that added weight in the terms of sacks of flour, or bags of potatoes, it sends a chill down your spine.

My biggest problem is that I can’t seem to get motivated to stick with any kind of diet routine. I am by nature a very disciplined person. I can tackle a lot in any given amount of time. I don’t back down or get intimidated by very many things. But this!?! This idea of having to work to lose weight is kicking my enlarged butt. So why is it that I can NEVER seem to stick with any kind of diet and exercise regimen? I know I will feel better if I do. I know I will be happier with myself if I do. I know I will be healthier if I do. The last 6 months I have started 4 new medications, all of them related in one way or another to my poor condition of health. When I go to the doctor and the nurse asks me to step on the scale, I usually try to con her into letting me skip it that time. My nurse understands me and usually lets me slide. Its time. No, correction. It’s PAST time to face the music and do something about it. I just hope that I can find the inner motivation and strength and patience to start and stick with it to see real results. I just hope that I don’t lose too many cup sizes in the process!

Now the aging thing, I think I’m stuck. Who knows though, maybe I will find a fountain of youth somewhere..