In a loop.

This week has been a tough week. I seem to be in a loop that I can’t quite get out of. I am at my desk right now, trying to focus on the mountains of paper and files that require my attention, but I can’t seem to get engaged in it, AT.ALL.

The reason for my loop--loss of friendship. I recently lost contact with someone who had become very dear to me. We were in almost constant conversation. Random cryptic texts that no one else could probably decipher, but they would make me smile. Lengthy e-mail exchanges. Heartfelt discussions about a variety of topics; sharing anger, frustration and joy in little things. Laughter, a LOT of laughter. Then one day it ended, completely. I have apologized for causing hurt feelings and any responsibility I may have had in the situation, but the apologies have been returned with silence. At times, the experience makes my heart ache, this week is one of those times.

I am in a loop. Am I not who I think I am? Am I a ‘snarky ass’ person (a label that I believe was directed at me)? Was I so pitiful a friend that I deserve to be intentionally hurt? Or is it simply that they moved on and decided I had no place in their life. My usefulness had been exhausted? How did I misread what I thought was a true, honest, open relationship? The worst thought, the thought that perhaps I unintentionally hurt someone so deeply that their only recourse was to inflict pain on me by their silence.

I question what type of person I am. I thought I was a caring, loving, compassionate person worthy of friendship, but maybe I am wrong. Maybe instead I am someone that is unhealthy and caustic. On some levels I don’t believe that, but on other levels I wonder. I guess I will never know. I do know that I did my best to be what this person needed. I’m just sorry that it wasn’t enough.