Wanted: New Receptionist

This morning I was greeted with information that our receptionist is leaving in three weeks. She decided that it was time for her to leave our wonderful little hub of entertainment and go back to school. We all applauded her choice.

I had mixed emotions when she told me the big news. She has been with us for almost two years. Even after two years, I barely know this girl. The notion of keeping things to yourself does not escape this one. We all like her. She is here everyday and doesn’t bring any extra drama into the office (the guys have that department covered)! But she is SO QUIET. We have even called her ‘the mute one’ at times because it is so difficult to get her to speak. All that said, I will miss having her and her beautiful smiling face at the front desk.

After the big announcement a flurry of e-mails between the guys (which they felt they needed to include me in) ensued. This can NEVER be a good thing. By the end of the exchange, I had given up hope that my ideas of basic qualifications would ever be heeded. One of the principals has an entirely different set of hiring criteria in mind. My basic wish list looks like this:

1) Must be able to speak fluently (I honestly don’t even care what language, just attempts at conversation would be nice); 2) Must be able to recite the letters of the alphabet IN ORDER; 3) Must be able to alphabetize correctly (see #2 above); 4) Must be able to file documents correctly into the proper files, without being asked (not too much to ask for a law office–right?); 5) Must be able to properly repeat callers’ names when announcing who is on the phone (see #1 above) thus avoiding confusion; 6) Must be able to work a copier without requiring assistance; 7) Must remember to re-load copier without being asked; 8) Must be at work more than they are not at work; 9) Must be able to purchase weekly office grocery items without disappearing for a lengthy period of time (I mean seriously how long can it take to purchase paper towels, coffee, creamer, soda, bottled water, nuts and string cheese when your office building is NEXT DOOR to the grocery store???).

See, that wasn’t so bad and yes my list is based on past experiences. My basic requirements are quite different from one of the principals of our office. His list would go something like this:

1) Must be height and weight proportional (i.e., D cup preferred); 2) Must be between the ages of 21 and 25 (needs someone 21 to do liquor store runs for him, doesn’t want them ‘too old’ for fear they may outsmart him); 3) Must wear tight clothing; 4) Must laugh at all his jokes; 5) Must be willing to be buzzed at all times of the day for silly things like, come into my office and make a copy for me; 6) Prefer someone who is willing to mix drinks and/or open wine bottles on occasion.

And no, I can’t make this up. Remember, that series of e-mails I referred to???

Good times, good times.