I know that I have been a very, very bad blogger lately. I apologize for the two of you that still read this! My life has gotten a little off balanced again lately. I’m trying to ‘right the ship’, but I have not been very successful at it. I will try to correct some of that now.
Over a year ago I made the very difficult decision to cut WAY back at work (down to 1/day/week). I LOVED that decision. After a few years of very difficult times, I needed the rest. I didn’t need the huge hole it left in my checkbook, but I needed the rest. Unfortunately it was a short lived period of time. In January of this year, I took a second part-time job (15 hrs/week). It was a job I knew I would be good at and I thought I was ready for the challenge. Turns out, I wasn’t.
Since January I have found myself increasingly exhausted and cranky. Of course it doesn’t help that this new job, where I work with people I truly enjoy and respect and admire, has exposed me to some very painful experiences. I took this job because: a) I was asked to apply, b) I felt that there was a tremendous need that I could fill and that would fulfill me and c) I was anticipating a more positive work environment. Now, 9+ months later, I know that I made a huge mistake. I am at a point where I can again barely get out of bed in the morning (other reasons for that I will detail later) and I have been left feeling very disillusioned and disheartened. I still LOVE the people that I work with and I enjoy the actual ‘work’ that I do. My pain has come in watching the antics (for lack of a better word) of those outside our office(s) which antics affect those that are IN our office(s). My pain has come in watching people that I work with, and care deeply for, be hurt and disparaged and slandered. I know that I will get in trouble and cause more harm than good to detail the antics here, and I don’t want to do that. I guess, bottom line, I’m tired. I’m tired of defending, explaining, and reasoning. I’m tired of trying to figure out the motivation behind others’ actions. I’m tired of trying to understand how some people can be so hurt that they lash out and try to destroy another. I’m tired.
To add to that little circle in my life, are several other circles that all seem to overlap. The first job that I struggled to finally cut WAY back on?? Well, my replacement turned out to be a disaster. No, disaster doesn’t fully cover it. She was ALMOST as bad as the receptionist we had once that didn’t know what the ‘little numbers’ on the stamps meant. Uh huh–I canNOT make that one up. So, after a year of repeating the same basic instructions over and over and over, Bossman decided he had endured enough and he showed her the door. Of course, the fallout has to fall in my direction–right?? So I get sucked RIGHT back into the black hole. Because I have the other part-time job which occupies 3 days/week, I am only available 2 days/week. So while a year ago I was able to start taking care of myself, and was limited to only 1 day/week work commitment, I am now committed 5 days/week and frankly I think I should BE committed.
I know that most people work 5 days/week. To you, I applaud you and I salute you with my utmost sincerity and respect. However, for me, I am weak and tired and I am not equipped at this point in my life to navigate through two jobs that commit me 5 days/week. AGAIN, I feel it should be repeated that I should BE committed. We are trying to sell the house which requires keeping it in pristine condition. EPIC FAIL on this count. We have two kids leaving for college next week–after MONTHS I still have been unable to finish Kirsten’s quilt and I am in a complete panic as to whether or not I will in fact complete it on time! I still have to shop and plan meals and cook for a houseful of people that seem to always be hungry! I have to navigate through a series of doctor appointments, shrink appointments, orthodontist appointments, church meetings, and never ending family issues. Oh and did I mention that I was diagnosed last week with Rheumatoid Arthritis? Oh, I forgot that one?
Yup, 5 years ago, I was first referred to a rheumatologist with arthritis symptoms. The Doc decided that I didn’t seem bad enough so he sent me on my way. Since that time I have had a progressively long list of ailments that have plagued me. Over the years the pain has increased and my joint mobility has decreased. I have been told ‘you are getting older’ one too many times by my primary care physician as an explanation for symptoms that didn’t seem right to me. My feet (which have suffered the most) have degenerated to the point that walking any distance is a struggle. Soooooooo, after a MRI showed signs of rheumatoid arthritis in my feet, including what appears to be some joint damage (I get to see a surgeon on that one), I was directed back to the rheumatologist, who reviewed my records and pronounced me afflicted. He gave me a scrip for weekly injections of a powerful drug often used to treat cancer patients, printed out a long and scary list of side effect possibilities, and sent me on my way.
And this, my friends, summarizes why I haven’t been very good at blogging lately....
