Letting go.

How do you let things go? I have a MAJOR issue with this in some circumstances. Some things, I am so good about letting go of. Purging my closet. Purging my cupboards. Moving to a new home. Getting rid of major items. All of those things come rather easily to me. The thing that is tough for me is to move past those emotional hurts that I can do absolutely NOTHING about. I’ve written about this before. What do you do when you know you need to move on and forget, but you keep running in that circle?

Today I am in that loop again. Dean gets annoyed with me sometimes, because I will bring the same thing up over, and OVER, and OVER AGAIN. He will say to me ‘why do you keep torturing yourself?’. I honestly don’t know the answer to that. The logical part of me is completely sane in these matters, the emotional part of me is a complete wreck. I lose sleep. I wake up at night and go over situations and over and over them. I replay conversations. I think of things that I wish I had said, or that I wish I could say or that I wish I hadn’t said. Bottom line, usually I can’t get over it because I hurt and I’m lonely and I miss someone, or I miss the relationship that I thought we had.

We have been in a small ‘crisis’ mode around our house this past week. Our youngest is in emotional turmoil about going to school next week and so she has taken a few steps backwards in her journey towards good mental health. It is always tough when this happens. This week is no different. Yesterday, her Dr. told me to NOT stay home with her. She said it was Dean’s turn and for me to stay home with her would not be a good thing for her. So, what was I to do with my day? I didn’t have to be at work. The pathetic part was, that I sat and thought, I don’t really have anyone that I can go hang out with for the day. I miss having close relationships where I could call and say, hey I am coming over. You know, the type of last minute/pop in/ randomly text cryptic messages only they understand kind of thing. Don’t get me wrong, we have some amazing people in our lives, but yesterday I felt very alone. Maybe because it is the type of situation where you are alone, no matter who you have in your life. Only Dean and I really know how it feels to be her parent. It isn’t fair to expect other people to understand.

I ended up spending the day doing a variety of things. We had 2 appointments so that took up some time. I went to a restaurant and read a book while eating lunch. I got a pedicure. I did some browsing in different discount stores. It was a peaceful day, all things considered, but it gave me too much time to think. And then, I found myself again in that loop of feeling inadequate and bad friendship material. I’m still there again today. If only the one I really miss contact with would reach out. But I know that won’t happen and so for today, I’m going to be sad about that. And tomorrow, is a new day.

Can you do me a little favor?

Under the heading of, you just can’t make this up... I was at work one day a few weeks ago. My boss and wife had just returned from their vacation. Their summer vacations usually consist of fishing excursions and this year was no different. This year’s flyfishing adventure took them to all parts Colorado. Bossman informed me upon his return to the office that in their hastiness to get off the river and to their hotel, the last day of vacation they had left behind Lynn’s fishing waders and gear bag. ‘Bummer’, I said. ‘Oh no problem’ he said and that is where MY problem began.

He began to relay the tale to me. They discovered several miles down the road that they had left the bag behind. As luck would have it, the woman who was house sitting in their absence had a sister who had a boyfriend that lived in (again SUCH luck) the very area of Colorado where said bag had been left on shore. It was almost miraculous! Again, this is where MY luck began to run out. This is where I began to get that sinking feeling, a favor is coming here and of course suddenly THEIR problem became MY problem.

Before they had left Colorado, the boyfriend of the sister of the house-sitter (did you follow that?  me neither) had been contacted and had retrieved the bag. Thus the favor comes in, ready for it?? NOW Hugh and Lynn wanted me to ‘help’ them get the bag back home. Silly me, when I hear the query ‘will you help?’ I still think that means that there will be HELPFUL participation by ALL participants. Nope, in this case it really meant that I would be figuring this out. All by my big girl self! Oh, but rest assured, there would be participation from the other participants, just not HELPFUL participation.

The plan was simple in theory. Arrange for a pre-paid UPS shipper to be sent to the house sitter’s sister’s boyfriend (whom I am going to dub ‘Pot Boy’ for the remainder of this entry). The first set of information that I needed to complete this task was as follows: (1) Pot Boy’s name and address, (2) Pot Boy’s e-mail address, (3) approximate size and weight of item to be shipped, (4) value of item to be shipped, and (5) verification that Pot Boy could take the item to UPS to ship. Not too difficult right?

I sent my first e-mail to Lynn asking her for items 2-4. (E-mail #1) Instead of replying only to me, she started an e-mail chain to Pot Boy, Hugh, and me. (E-mail #2) Let’s suffice it to say that it took three more e-mails (E-mails #3, 4 and 5) before I was able to obtain ALL of the necessary information.

I went on UPS’s website and I arranged for the pre-paid shipper. I created a .pdf version of the same and sent an e-mail out to Pot Boy with the pre-paid shipper attached (E-mail #6). Whew! My obligations under the favor are now complete. NOT.SO.FAST.SMARTY.PANTS.

I received an e-mail from Pot Boy (E-mail #7). He mused that while he had received my e-mail, he wasn’t sure how he was going to print out the attachment. (Oh boy, sinking feeling begins to creep in). Maybe he could go to a friend’s house and print it out there. That would be BRILLIANT Pot Boy! You try that, and keep me out of THAT loop.

Within an hour I received an e-mail from Lynn (E-mail #8). She was concerned that Pot Boy lived in a small apartment.  What if he couldn’t print out the UPS shipper, maybe I should mail it to him???!!!??? At this point, I am thinking about the part of being asked to ‘help’. I’m thinking about how this implies that ALL participants will HELPFULLY participate. AND I’m thinking, SERIOUSLY??? I sent it to you too, why don’t YOU print it out and mail it to him, it is after all YOUR FISHING GEAR BAG.

No, I decided to take the high road. I reminded myself that I am paid to be at work, no matter what I do. If they want me to take care of this little item for them instead of billing clients for REAL work at the rate of $125.00/hour, SO.BE.IT. I sent another e-mail to Pot Boy (E-mail #9) and copied Lynn and Hugh. Would it be best if I mailed him the prepaid shipper? If so, WHAT address would he like me to mail it to? I received a thank you e-mail (E-mail #10) from Lynn. Later, I received an e-mail from Pot Boy (E-mail #11). He requested that I mail him the prepaid shipper, but please don’t use HIS P.O. Box because he doesn’t go there that often (somewhere in the background, I faintly hear him inhale, hold and exhale.) I quickly typed an envelope and mailed the blasted thing. Anticipating that I was FINALLY done with it, I sent what I hoped was my last e-mail (E-mail #12) informing ALL parties that the prepaid shipper had left the building on its way to Pot Boy.

So, was this the end of it?? For a week, I was lulled into false sense of security that the task was finished. The freaking bag was on its way home. Then, this past Thursday, the envelope I had mailed the shipper in was returned. The envelope was marked ‘Insufficient Address, Return to Sender’. WHAT?? NO. FRIGGIN’.WAY.

I quickly checked back at E-mail #11. I verified I had used the provided address. I googled the name of the business and came up with the SAME ADDRESS. Ok, so NOW what?

I sent an e-mail to Pot Boy (E-mail #13). Riddle me this--is there some additional information that should be included? I wait for him to respond. I receive a reply from Pot Boy (E-mail #14). He can’t understand why it was returned. He suggests that maybe he should just go and ship it and not worry about the prepaid business. Knowing this will only mean more headache for me down the road, I reply (E-mail #15) that I will give it one more try. If he doesn’t receive the shipper in a few days, just ship the sucker and WE will try to reimburse him for the costs. I type a new envelope and put it in the outgoing mail.

An hour later, I receive an e-mail from Lynn (E-mail #16). She has new information! Oh JOY! (the choir sings in the background). She says that the address I am using (which let’s not forget was provided to me BY the recipient–aka Pot Boy) is the PHYSICAL address of his work. She has found a P.O. Box for the business that she feels I should use instead. I retrieve the envelope from the outgoing mail bin. A third envelope is typed, shipper inserted, sealed, stamped, finished. I send an e-mail out to all interested (or disinterested) parties (E-mail #17) stating I have mailed the shipper to the P.O. Box that Lynn has found.

I go back to billable work. The mail is taken out to the Post Office. All SHOULD be right with the world. Until......

I receive an e-mail from Pot Boy (E-mail #18). As I read it, I again hear in the background the sound of SOMEONE taking a long drag.......His e-mail read as follows: ‘Yes, the post office sucks. I thought you were shipping Fed Ex. That could be the problem. The postal service is terrible TERRIBLE here.’

Uhmmmmmmmm. Let me get this straight. Pot Boy thought I was going to FEDERAL EXPRESS THE PRE-PAID UPS SHIPPER??? GET.OUT.OF.HERE. Great, now I am contemplating taking a long drag! NOOOOOOO, get yourself together woman!

I reply (E-mail #19). I inform all parties that I am using the P.O. Box (provided by Lynn hours earlier and typed onto the third envelope) and will mail (and by that I mean the old fashioned U.S. Postal Service) the prepaid shipper today.

A half hour after the mail was taken to the post office, I received a reply (E-mail #20) from Pot Boy: ‘Mailing address is the owner’s house. If not too late to Fed-X or UPS to the store address. If you have already done it I will just ask my boss to look for it’.

I sent the following reply (E-mail #21): ‘Too late…the mail has left the building. I sent it to the P.O. Box, by regular mail (U.S.P.S.). I didn’t think this warranted me fed-x-ing the UPS pre-paid shipper to you, but maybe I was wrong. Of course there is still always the option of accessing your e-mail at a place where you have access to a printer and you could print out the attached shipper. Then you have to take it to UPS. Again. I was told that you could ship the waders by UPS. If that isn’t going to work and you have to ship by Federal Express, then I have to start over at step 1.  Let me know when you have received everything and shipped it. Thank you again!’

Any wagers whether or not I am done with this favor? Somewhere in the background I can hear someone  take a deep drag. Wait, was that me????? Naaahhhhhhh.

Can you count to 100?

Someone just sent me a note that I might feel better if I wrote something...she was right, so I am taking her advice. It has been too long for me.

I read an article recently that talked about a couple that decided to try an experiment and reduce the number of items they each owned to 100. They started out slowly, giving away and/or selling most of their belongings. Some items, like the tv, they put out of use in a closet for a month to see how they felt with it being gone. After a period of time, they finally achieved the magic number: 100 items. After this methodical purging, they were able to eliminate a large portion of their debt. The wife was able to quit her well-paying job and instead now spends her days working part-time at a job she enjoys (although the paycheck is a lot smaller) and spends time volunteering for projects she cares about. They even moved out of their 2 bedroom apartment into a 450 square foot studio. The result? They said they were much happier and content to be off the proverbial treadmill in order to provide for all the excess ‘stuff’ that had once filled their home and lives.

It got me thinking, could our family do that? Could we reduce the number of items that we own to 500? When I say number of items, that means each and EVERY thing. A fork would be one item, a book one item, a toothbrush one item, a pair of shoes one item. You get the picture. The idea intrigues me, it intrigues me a lot.

I decided I would present it to my family and see what they thought. I waited to spring the idea until we were all together at a restaurant for lunch. I shared that I had recently read the article and was wondering if they thought we could do the same thing. What would they think? Well of course the reviews of my proposition were mixed. Our youngest, ever the worrier, responded with panic in her voice (what else is new?)...’we’re not going to do that are we?’. Our oldest shrugged, but you could tell the wheels were turning. Yes that means your stacks of books that you enjoy so much. The middle one...well the middle one can’t part with an old pair of jeans so you can guess how she greeted the idea.

I think Dean was intrigued. You could tell he mulled it over for a bit, or maybe he didn’t. Maybe he was mulling over something else and had already chalked it up to one of my hair-brained schemes. I can usually read him like a book, but this time I wasn’t sure. While we both desire to have a smaller home and have already made one big downsize move in the last five years, this was something even more extreme.

That afternoon, I kept processing the idea in my head. If I really decided to do it, HOW would I do it? As I sit here and type this, I look around at all the items that surround me. For instance, I LOVE dishes. A few years back I got rid of several different sets. That’s right ‘sets’ of dishes. I decided to keep only those that had come from family members. My mom’s Franciscan Apple dish set that she had started when she got married. My Grandma J’s good china set that I was lucky enough to receive after my Grandparents were both gone. Then my latest treasure, a beautiful set from my Great Auntie Al. Before she died, she had wanted me to have them. I don’t think I could part with these yet, they are all too special. My idea is that each of my 3 kids will one day receive one of the sets. I counted. Those 3 sets comprise 270 items (and yes I counted a cup and saucer as 1 item). That doesn’t even include the other treasures in my china cabinet. The 3 cordial glasses that my Grandma C gave me for my 3 kids. When they were little they would go and spend the night with her in her apartment. She would set the table with her fine dishes and serve them grape juice in those little cups. She trusted those toddlers with her finest dishes and they thought it was so special. I couldn’t give those away to anyone but the kids and they aren’t ready for such belongings yet.

While I do crave a simpler life, I don’t think I am quite ready yet to reduce my belongings down to only 100 things. I think I could do it if I had to. I’m just not ready yet. Are you?

Marcus

 I haven't had enough time to write lately.  I know that soon this will be a problem of the past and I will be able to indulge in my need to share in written form.  Tonight I am thinking about our friend Marcus.

Marcus is our daughter Kirsten's boyfriend, although that almost seems like an immature title to call him.  He is more than that.  This is a child that is very endearing.  He is a big lug of a boy that has stolen our hearts, as he has stolen the heart of our middle child, Kirsten.  Frankly, we feel the same way about Josh's girlfriend, Evy...such a sweet girl that has stolen Josh's heart...but for right now I am thinking about Marcus.

Marcus leaves for his freshman year of college at the crack of dawn tomorrow.  When I say 'big lug'...I am reminded of the nickname for my OWN father....  My dad was my mom's 'big lug'.  A boy-like man that played football and loved life and people.  Marcus is very similar.  Marcus is 6'3" and 265 lbs and loves football and people.  He also loves our daughter, Kirsten.  It is a mature love though, not that teenage co-dependent, drama up and down love.  They have a relationship that is rooted in Christ as the center and it is pretty touching and special to witness.  I am sure all parents feel this way, but I am quite proud of them.  They are WAY more mature than I ever dreamed of being at their age.  Tonight as he gave me a big good-bye bear hug I was sad that I won't be able to see him on a frequent basis, yet I am SO excited for him and the wonderful things that he will get to experience as he leaves for college.  He plans to  attend Northwestern College in Orange City, Iowa.  He  also plans to play football and participate in Track (scholarship money is on the line!).  He envisions using his passion for playing football in some type of ministry to his fellow teammates and students.  We know God will use him as his heart is open for that.  We also secretly (and now not so secret!) hope that he and Kirsten are as right for each other as we think and will in fact make a life together someday.  For now, we wish Marcus well and will  continue to pray for him and his future, no matter what. 

Marcus, we love you and we will  miss you.  We also know you will do great things!  You showed us again tonight your great heart for others and we found you endearing yet again!!  You are awesome!