Why did you believe THAT?

I have a Facebook friend that likes to post things just to get a reaction out of people. I’m convinced that the more inflammatory the potential of the post is, the more he likes it. I know my friend is a political conservative. I respect his right to have whatever political view he wants...after all that is what our country is about. However, I sometimes shake my head about the things he chooses to post and my perception that he BELIEVES this stuff. Usually I let it go, but the other day he had posted a link that was just SO over the top that I found myself commenting, and now I find myself blogging.

He posted the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu6ok5ykyuQ&feature=share .  I don’t think I can do it justice, so you really should watch it first. However, if you aren’t able to view it, I will summarize it this way: A guy is driving thru the Tacoma Housing Authority’s Salishan project. As he drives thru filming the various buildings, streets, cars, he talks nonstop about how this entire project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ with ‘$225 Million of social security money’ (he keeps emphasizing the amount of money in a really obnoxious way). He rants about how beautiful the project is, how it is constructed without concern of cost, how the ‘illegal immigrants’ and ‘foreigners’ get to live in this project for free and how they each receive $2,642 a month in social security money even though they are ‘illegal immigrants’. He repeats over and over and over again how the project is built for ‘illegal immigrants’. He rails about the ‘foreigners’ that live there. He even lists them as ‘Koreans, Chinese, orientals’. Uh huh, he used ‘orientals’ as a proper term.

Now in my humble opinion, the guy that made the video is a pompous, blowbag bigot that has a lot of hatred towards anyone who wasn’t born in this country. Furthermore, he spouts about how the government programs work, but he is slightly off (as in COMPLETELY OFF HIS ROCKER) in his rant. As I watched the video, my reaction was one of unbelief that this guy could spout lie after exaggerated lie about the Salishan project and how the government was building this project for ‘illegal immigrants’. Judging by the other comments to my friend’s post, I was (somewhat) alone in my unbelief of this guy’s rhetoric. PEOPLE WERE BELIEVING THE CONTENT OF THE VIDEO. I couldn’t believe it and it made me question ‘WHY DID YOU BELIEVE THAT?’.

Like I said, the video piqued my interest. I had recently read an article about World War II era housing authority projects in the Puget Sound region and their need to be revitalized and/or rebuilt. Salishan had been included in this article. Salishan is a Tacoma Housing Authority project that was originally built after World War II. They have been rebuilding and upgrading it for years. It is a MIXED use project, meaning that the project consists of low income AND market rate owners. PLUS there is a lot of commercial space in this project that is either rented for market rate, or sold, so that it helps to underwrite the cost of maintenance and infrastructure. I have no doubt that there is controversy about the Salishan project. Any large project would be subject to intense scrutiny. I have not spent the time researching everything that has been said/written about the project. My information comes from a few articles and the Tacoma Housing Authority's own website which details the various 'neighborhoods' and tenants within the project.  This a project that was started BEFORE THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. However, this little fact didn’t stop someone from posting: That is absolute BS! After seeing this, I don't know how anyone can vote for a democrat and their entitlement programs (see example above)! No wonder why we have so many illegal immigrants if thats the kind of good life the government provides. Its also the reason why our country is BROKE!

Again, I asked myself ‘HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?’. The author of the comment is a smart young man, how could he watch the video and not see the hatred and mistruths that this man was spewing? How could he not want to check things out for himself and verify if these unbelievable statements were true or not. Why was he so determined to believe it at face value? 

I could go on and on about everything in the video that made me gasp. Even if the rhetoric the man was spewing was true, how can people forget that, for most of us, OUR ANCESTORS were immigrants to this country...granted the programs of today for immigrants weren't there in those days, but today's immigrants face a whole host of problems (just like we do) that didn't exist then either. Why is there so much hatred and mistrust of those that immigrate to our country?  When did that happen?  I understand that a staggering amount of money has been spent on public housing, and in particular this project.  I understand that Mixed Economic Use projects like this one are expensive, but the theory is that this type of housing model proves a better project in the long run to have BOTH low income AND middle-upper income in the same neighborhood, but to attract the mid-upper, you have to have it built and looking nice. After all, public perception is such that no one wants low income in THEIR backyard.  Right?

Another one of my problems with this video (besides the apparent distaste this man has for ‘foreigners’ and people of low income) is that it implies that ALL THE HOUSING UNITS were built for 'illegal immigrants'. That is NOT true.  How could you believe this was true?  There is a wide range of housing units in the Salishan project, everything from a Baptist Assisted Living/Retirement facility to privately owned medical clinics to Habitat For Humanity homes, to market rate rentals. The actual number of true subsidized low income units is small in the overall scheme. Furthermore, no part of the project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ (seriously can you imagine the Housing Authority planning meeting??  'Yup, let's design and build a project for illegal immigrants.  I am sure no one will mind, the government will give us plenty of money for that so long as we make it ONLY for illegal immigrants').   First, this guy is confusing undocumented workers (aka ‘illegal immigrants’) with those that qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) as a ‘qualified alien’ under the Federal Government guidelines (which again were NOT WRITTEN DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, but which have existed for many, many years). A ‘qualified alien’  is someone who has IS IN THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY and generally is one who has previously either sought asylum or is a qualified refugee (as deemed by several specific factors). Only after you are determined to be a ‘qualified alien’ (again, which you can only be deemed if you have entered our country legally and are properly documented) can you then be considered for receiving SSI. It is a lengthy process that is not granted easily. Income and asset restrictions still apply. Bottom line, if you are an ‘illegal immigrant’ you CANNOT QUALIFY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY OR SSI. Another little factoid that seems to have escaped the video’s narrator, SSI is NOT FUNDED by Social Security dollars. While SSI is a Social Security program, it is not funded by Social Security monies that come out of our paychecks. It is funded by general tax revenue. Some may not see the distinction, but there IS a distinction. Another interesting fact, there are many ‘illegal immigrants’ that pay into Social Security but which will never collect Social Security.  That's right, I am acknowledging that there are illegal immigrants in this country that are WORKING.  Shocking I know. (denote sarcasm here).

Regardless of how others may feel about immigration or low income issues, or what political party you align yourself with most, I always struggle with the social justice issues i.e., housing assistance, food stamps, WIC, SSI (again which is a program that was established and exists to provide supplemental income to disabled folks who have little to no income and assets) and other like programs. I go rounds with myself wondering what is required of us as a nation that (in spite of its current economic woes) has been blessed with an (over)abundance. Even more personally as a follower of Christ, I can never quite shake the direction in Luke 12:48: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."   I know, I know, there are some that say this doesn't apply to what I am talking about.  Some say that this is taken out of context.  Personally, I don't want to make that call that it 'doesn't apply' to my life.  I understand and acknowledge that from a fiscally conservative view social justice issues don't pencil out very well, but is that the only thing we should focus on???

For me, I hope that I continue to check into the background of statements that I hear that shock me and seem unbelievable.  I have found that in today's political arena and mass media environment, there is a lot of slant and embellishment going on to try to scare people one way or the other.   I try to not take too much at face value, especially if it seems a little shocking.  I also hope that others would do the same.

Garage Sale

So today we did it. We had a garage sale. On some levels I hate this sort of thing and on others, I.LOVE.IT.

We went thru the house last weekend with a very brutal eye. I dug thru cupboards and closets, purging those items that I knew I could easily do without. The result?? 6 tables full of items that we no longer need (oh and several other items that were not ‘tabled’ but which were laid out for people to grab). Kirsten was gracious enough to use her week off to organize items into categories. On Friday night I was able to whisk thru and price. Whew! I was done by 9 pm Friday and ready to go Saturday morning first thing.

Things I HATE about garage sales. First, the people that show up BEFORE you say you open and hang out while you are getting your bearings. We had 2 of those this morning. (Neighbors NEVER count in this...I always LOVE neighbors that show up to support, coffee cup in hand, a roll of dollar bills shoved in their pockets). No, I am referring to the professional garage sale shopper that shows up AT LEAST 15 minutes before you start and perches themselves on your utility marker and says ‘you ARE having a sale today right?’. Yes we are you hag, just give me a minute to haul my tables out and get my own darn cup of coffee before I haggle with you over whether or not I will sell you my children’s favorite games for 10 cents! For a sale that consisted of items marked in 25 cent increments, we did well. By the end of the sale hours, 3/4 of the ‘crap’ was gone and I had a respectable amount of bills in my make-shift cash box. We easily boxed the remains, pulled the tags off, and dropped the items off at the thrift store.

The day was eventful. I am never one that likes to use the phrase ‘it was a God thing’ because it sounds so superficial, but we experienced a true ‘God’ moment. About 3/4 of the way thru our sale, a mother and her two sons showed up. It was at a quiet moment (did I mention the weather was glorious today–blue sky and sun?? I have a tan face with eyeglass imprint to prove it!) where Dean, Annika and I were alone with our customers of the moment. The mom was looking thru the table of girls’ clothes, when she held up one of my girls’ tank tops to her two sons an said ‘this is the size your sister is now’. I found it a rather odd statement, but didn’t think TOO much of it. Then the woman turned to me and said ‘their sister is in a residential treatment center boarding school’. I.COULDN’T BELIEVE.IT.

‘Really?, where?’. I asked

‘Utah’.

‘Oh, where in Utah?’ I said

‘Salt Lake, Eva Carlston’.

I think my heart skipped a beat. This past week, was the first time in my life I had even heard of Eva Carlston Treatment Center outside of Salt Lake. HOW I heard of Eva Carlston is a modern day miracle. Thru the specialized literary genre which is blogging, I had new comments posted on my blog entry about Uinta (the residential treatment center where Annika was at in 2009). The most recent comments had informed me that Annika’s counselor at Uinta, Sue Hoffman, was now at Eva Carlston RTC. Now, I was sitting in my driveway, manning my garage sale, when this woman informed me that her 12 year old daughter was at Eva Carlston.

Whah??? I could not believe my ears. I responded to this woman....

‘Oh Eva Carlston, where Kristi Ragsdale and Sue Hoffman are?’.

The woman stopped cold and looked at me....

Long story short, we struck up a conversation about residential treatment centers, living thru the nightmare which is placing your child in such a place, and how it affects all family members involved. We hope to meet this week for coffee and share more.

So tonight I am blessed that our house is a little emptier, my wallet is a little more padded AND we were brought together with another family that is experiencing the same nightmare that we went thru 2 years ago. Ok, I realize that sounds weird. My point is that we have just met a family, in our community, that can relate on ALL levels to what we went thru and perhaps we can give them a listening ear AND an infusion of hope as they go thru the enormous struggle that we went thru 2 years ago. I just heard from my fellow ‘parent in circumstance’... she ‘friended’ me on Facebook. We hope to get together this week and talk more.

So as I have said before,

God is good, ALL the time.

How Can You Feeling Lonely in a Crowded Room?

I have been having this problem for a while. I can be surrounded by people, but I feel lonely and lost. I hate it. I have always been a very social person. I have people in my life that I have known since I was A LOT younger, so I know that I am capable of developing and maintaining friendships (although I have had one person tell me that I am worthless at this, I know for a FACT that I am a GOOD FRIEND whose presence matters to other people). While I am blessed with many different relationships, I find that I am painfully lacking in those day-to-day encounters. I am most aware of this when I attend our church.

I work at our church, so some might think that I feel very connected to others there. While I definitely have a connection with co-workers (and their spouses), it is not the same thing that I am referring to. Again, I value those relationships, but what I am talking about is different. I am talking about those constant contact type relationships. The ones where you text each other random things and the recipient gets it, immediately. The type where you have standing ‘dates’ to go for a walk, or hit the thrift store on the weekly opening day looking for nothing in particular, but instead just hanging out and spending time. The kind where you just have the understanding that if you don’t have special plans on Friday night you will be at the other’s house. The kind of relationship where you go with each other to try on swim suits, laughing and disgusted at the same time (gosh I miss you Anna on this one! Hahaha!). The kind of relationship where when your spouse is annoying you, you know you can call them and they will listen and understand exactly what you mean. The kind of relationship where when you have a special project to do, you can be guaranteed that they will show up to help.

This desire of relationship has nothing to do with (nor am I intending to diminish the importance of) the wonderful relationships that I have with others, many of whom live outside a 5 mile radius. NOT.AT.ALL. I value each of you immensely. What I find myself physically hurting for is the day in/day out type of thing. I feel the absence of this the most when I attend our church.

This past Sunday morning, I found myself absolutely dreading going, it was pathetic. The reason I didn’t want to go is because I don’t know what to do with myself before and after the service. Dean is currently serving as an Elder, so he is required to go downstairs to the council room before service. (We call it the ‘Secret Society Men’s Meeting’, but that is material for another blog entry). We arrive early, he leaves me at the door and I am stuck in the foyer hoping for someone to talk with and make a meaningful connection. I.HATE.IT. I stand there and often no one stops to talk to me. We have had a lot of turmoil and drama at church the last year+ and so I actually have a group of people that refuse to even speak to me (I think it is because I work in the office and they have some issues they need to resolve–so since I work in the office, I am taboo for them). Some of these people USED to talk with me, but now they do anything they can to avoid me. I know it isn’t personal, but it feels VERY personal to me at times.

The same thing happens for me after the service. Again, Dean has to depart ahead of me so that he can greet people as they leave the sanctuary. I am left to chat with people as we empty the pews and exit the sanctuary. I get out into the sanctuary and I am not sure what to do. Everyone seems to disburse into their own clusters and groups. I have tried going and joining with others, but most of the time it is awkward and painfully obvious that they are enjoying their own intimate connection, perhaps discussing a recent activity together or planning their next one, and they have no need for me to be there. I often feel that if people didn’t have a reason to speak with me (i.e., need something from me that is related to my job), I would speak with no one.

It isn’t just Sundays. Living in a small community, I am very aware of who is doing what with whom. I know about the parties we aren't invited to.  I know about the breakfasts and lunches that people are having.  I know about the shopping excursions to Costco, or the days spent together at the lake.   I know and appreciate that people have their connections and intimate friendships with each other and I am not a part of those. That is expected and perfectly normal.  Not everyone can be involved with everyone.  I will be honest that it isn’t that I am always desirous of being in their ‘group’, it is just that I miss being a part of some ‘group’. I know that there are people that have standing breakfast dates, scrapbooking dates, thrift store dates, kid exchange dates, game nights, etc.. I am genuinely happy for those that are able to enjoy these types of relationships.  I am simply weary with feeling like the kid that gets picked last for the baseball team. To sum it up, I miss having relationships with two key factors: a) physical proximity and b) true intimacy.

When I get really defeated, I start to believe what that one person once told me, that it was unhealthy for her to be in friendship relationship with me. Was she right? Is that why I lack these types of relationships with people in my immediate vicinity? She told me to process her words with someone who would make me see the honesty in her words. I have spent a lot of time in painful self-examination as well as time processing with a dear friend.  My friend assured me that my former friend's opinion had never been her experience with me and they have known me thru a lot of highs and lows over the last 30 years. So while I know that I have a lot of faults and flaws (which my dear friend acknowledges as well! haha), I do not agree with my former friend's opinion, but her voice pops up in the back of my head WAY too often.   I hate it when I get defeated and I start to doubt myself and overlook the positives.

So lately, I can sometimes feel lonely in a crowded room. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about it. For now, I will keep reminding myself of the good things that close friends have said to me about who they know me to be. Maybe next Sunday I will interject myself into one of those ‘closed’ conversations and try to overcome the feelings that I am not wanted there. Maybe.

P.S.  I have not written this in an attempt to garner sympathy or flattery.  I am being openly honest and  merely journaling (if you will) my thoughts and feelings of the moment.

Mama's Vacation

I’m a little behind on blogging. I had good intentions of sitting down last week and catching up, but the week passed and I still didn’t get to it. I wake up in the middle of the night and have some really great ideas, but in the morning I can’t remember them. I hate that.

Last week Annika was gone all week on a service project trip to Eastern Washington. She joined with several other kids working on the Yakama Indian Reservation. Now I spent my high school years in ‘Yakima’, and I never knew until this year that the ‘Yakama’ Indian tribe is spelled differently from the adjacent city. Did you know that? ANYWAY, since she was out of town all week, I decided to take a little vacation myself. I had hoped that Dean could get away with me, but that was not to be...he had too many people that were already on vacation for him to check out. So, I planned a little ‘Mommy is away’ vacation.

I.LOVE.IT. when I get to do this. I sometimes feel guilt at spending the money, but this time I was completely guilt free. The day I left on this little break, my 1 day/week bossman gave me some extra bonus $$, so off I went, cash in tow to enjoy my time.

I got to spend the next 4 days and 3 nights with a host of people that I was anxious to catch up with. I was able to spend one on one time with several different people. I.LOVE.THIS. It was SUCH a relaxing time. I stayed at a new spot for me...the Silver Cloud Stadium Hotel. It was a little different location for me because when I stay in Seattle, I like to be right in the heart of downtown and this was slightly south (it is nostalgic for me...when I left college to start my ‘adult’ life I worked in the heart of downtown and lived on Queen Anne). The hotel had a bonus...a rooftop deck and swimming pool something that is rare in downtown hotels. From one side you could look directly onto Safeco Field where the Seattle Mariners play (no there were no games when I stayed–it would have been crazy if there were!). Then the other direction looked out onto Puget Sound. As luck would have it the sun shone when I was there and I was able to just lay out and soak up the rays. Oh and the restaurant/bar were pretty great too!

As I was there, I began to think about all women that are never able to take time for themselves, or that never take the time because they don’t feel they should. There are a variety of reasons why, economics is probably the biggest one. I know that we could have used the money for other things (bills!), but being able to take time for myself is so important for me. I know that some probably view it as selfish (be thankful you have a family, how can you not want to spend all your time with them?) Others may view it as an unnecessary luxury. I have heard from some ‘oh I can’t do that because of all my responsibilities to work and my family’. Yes, I have those same responsibilities. I have people that need me and depend on me and that is EXACTLY why I try to schedule an extended time in for myself at least twice a year. If I don’t have those times away to spend just worrying about myself, I run myself past empty and have nothing to give to anyone.

Being alone is sometimes a very uncomfortable thing, but I have learned that making myself uncomfortable is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing. Granted my 4 days and 3 nights were not complete solitude, but I did have many hours during that time completely to myself. I read, I slept, I shopped, I ate, I drank, all by myself. No one asked me what was for dinner. No one asked me where I was going when I put shoes on. No one asked me to help them find some obscure item that they had just put down but suddenly it had disappeared. The best part, I didn’t feel lonely during this time. Quite the contrary. This was SO strange to me because lately I have been feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by people. I’m still trying to figure that one out, but when I was physically alone, I didn’t feel lonely, I just felt relaxed. No guilt, no shame, no needing to fix anything, answer questions or explain anything, just content.

By the last day, I was ready to return home. The re-entry is always a little tricky–you are glad to see everyone, yet not quite ready to resume your day-to-day role. I am thankful for the time away. I SO enjoyed the conversations and time spent with dear family and friends as well as the time alone. The time away nourished me. I enjoyed rediscovering ME, not the taskmaster me, but ME. Because when I am able to reintroduce myself to ME, I think I am able to be a better mom & wife, friend & co-worker. Or at least that is my hope.