Under the Heading 'Awkward Invites'...

So as you know, Kirsten is graduating soon.  We are in the midst of graduation party preparations, plans and invites.  We got an interesting invite in the mail today.  I'm not sure what to do about it or why we got it.  I find myself analyzing the intent of the sender.

The invite was addressed to 'The Haan Family'.  Nothing too unusual there.  It was for a classmate of Kirsten's.  Again, not too unusual.  This is a kid that is within one of her social circles.  I don't think I have ever actually really talked with this kid to any degree (he has been in my home however), but he does fall within one of Kirsten's social orbit circles.  Again, all not that strange.  We don't talk with his parents.  They certainly aren't on our social calendar.  We don't attend church together.  We don't speak to each other at school or social events.  So I found it a little odd.  But you know why I really am spinning about the sender's motivation???  The mother of this graduate is the same woman that called Child Protective Services on us three years ago when Annika was in her downward spiral--you know the call that was heard 'round the world' and was the turning point for us placing Annika in residential treatment.   Uh-huh, weird one huh??

So why the invite? 

Kirsten's last senior picture photo shoot.

I think I am safe in posting the pictures here.  I was tempted to post on Facebook, but Kirsten hasn't seen them yet (and she is sleeping in right now), so I thought I could get them here without incurring her wrath.

Warning, I am going to brag that my daughter is photogenic.  There, that is it, she is SO photogenic..no make-up, just a little Bert's Bees and she is good to go.  How does that work???  I brag and yet I am SO jealous of this.  Is it ok to be jealous of your child???  A week ago, she decided she wanted to have a few more senior pictures taken.  A gal from our church who has an amazing eye, helped us out.  Here are just a few of those pictures:

and of course....

THANK.YOU.ALYSSA, for capturing Kirsten so well!!  You are amazing! 

I'm going to miss that smile around every day....but SO excited for her!

Happy 21st Birthday Joshua!



a few years ago...



It is true, I am mother to a 21 year old!  Today is Joshua Michael Haan's 21st birthday.  He is currently in Paris, studying (or at least that is what the college tells me he is doing so that I will still feel the need to send tuition payment).  Seriously, I know he is studying (or should I say learning) as he treks his way between France, Italy and Switzerland.  He is winding down this adventure and should be home soon.  This is the first time that we have not been able to celebrate his birthday together.  Last year I don't believe we were with him on his EXACT day, but we were able to celebrate together.  I WAS able to i/m with him earlier today, so I know that he was planning on eating dinner out and was enjoying his day.



I told him he needed a haircut before he left....isn't that what mother's do???



It is had to believe that 21 years has passed.  I can still remember the morning he was born.  Still remember his strength as a newborn to hold his head up on his own and look around.  That should have been my first clue that he was going to be the ever-observant human that he still is today.  He doesn't make a lot of noise, but he is very discerning and has taught me a thing or two about being still and observing.

Happy 21st birthday Joshua!  I can't wait to see what the next year brings for you!  Love you always, Mom

Switzerland (I think)

End of the Season

(Disclaimer:  This entry is about me and my feelings.  I have NO ill feelings towards the other girls on the team, or to their parents. I LOVED watching all the girls play and enjoyed cheering them on to their victories and felt genuine sadness at their losses.  This is about how I felt during the course of the season.)

Yesterday was Kirsten's last softball games of the season and of her grade school years.  Collegiate organized sports are not someting in her future, although my hope is that she will enjoy many, many years of intramural and community league play.  I hope and pray that her desire and enjoyment of playing softball was not completely quelled by her senior year season.  She is young and resilient and positive so I think she will move on quite quickly.  Me, on the other hand, am old, not so resilient and a bit more jaded after enduring her senior year season, IF that is possible.  hahaha

This season was a difficult one to endure as a parent. It was a season where we saw our daughter remain in the dugout.  For the first couple of games, we thought maybe the coach was keeping her out of harm's way because she had broken her face in practice.  As the games continued, and the weeks stretched out, we could no longer give him that as an excuse.  Coach Mitch had decided that Kirsten had no value to him as a member of his team.  It became crystal clear that he had no intention of letting her contribute to 'his' team in a meaningful way.  He had decided that her contribution would consist of cleaning out the dugout and hauling gear to the bus or equipment shed at the end of the games.  His stat keepers were given more respect than our daughter.  This realization was very difficult to understand.

I readily admit that Kirsten is not the strongest player.  She is not a strong natural athlete with regard to organized sports.  However, she has played softball since she was in grade school.  The last two years she had played catcher and her coach often told us that she was a great player, and one that he could count on to be able to place anywhere and she would succeed.  She spent the last two years crouching behind home plate as the team's main catcher.  The first year, breaking in new pitchers and last year, being part of a great pitcher/catcher team.  Her batting average was one of the best of her team.  But this year was different, this year, she switched to Coach Mitch and she never stood a chance.

I will never understand what his motivation was for benching her the entire season.  Sure, she would sometimes be put in during the last inning for an at-bat.  Some of those at-bats resulted in a RBI or a solid base hit.  Most of the time, her confidence shot from lack of any coaching the entire season, she would walk back to the dugout after a strike out.  She always kept a smile on her face, but it tore her up.  It tore me up everytime during that last inning when he would decide to put her up to bat.  I knew that she would have a huge struggle...after all how could you not?  Ignored practice after practice, game after game, by a coach that could have cared less what she might have to contribute to his team.  If your Coach has no confidence in you, how do you have any in yourself?  The thing that burned me the most was the thought that when she would get up and strike out, it made her look like a shitty player, something I knew she wasn't.  Occasionally he would consult his 'schedule' and grant her the privilege of helping an outfielder warm up, or putting her in as a pinch runner.  But these instances were few and far between.  But, we continued to go to her games.  As parents, we made a decision that we would go and sit with her, knowing full well that we weren't going to watch her play.  No, we went because she was part of a team and we wanted to support that team.  We went because if she was going to endure bench time, we would be right there with her and endure it with her.

I know that my oldest daughter is an amazing person, inside and out.  I know that she is gifted in many areas.   I marveled at her maturity in keeping a positive attitude, and a smile on her face.  I appreciated her willingness to clean out the dugout each time.  I praised her for her stance that there was no way she would quit the team, even though she knew after the first couple of weeks that her fate was dugout time.  She told us that she had made a commitment and she was sticking with it, even though the rejection and humiliation were sometimes hard to take.  Dean and I tried to handle it with grace, but sometimes we failed, miserably.  We hope that the parents that we shared our grief with weren't too sick of listening to us.  Before every game we would promise ourselves to do our best to keep our mouths shut and only encourage those girls that were playing, not complain that our Kirsten was in the dugout, again.  Sometimes we managed this, and sometimes the pain of disappointment and heartache for our daughter's humiliation and rejection bubbled up and opened our mouths.  For, that we are truly sorry.  We tried, we tried really hard, but sometimes we failed.

We enjoyed the time spent with the other parents.  Honestly, the way our lives have been the last several months, that was our only true social time which we truly crave and needed.  We enjoyed watching the other girls play and their small triumphs on the field.  I cheered and screamed as if those girls were my own daughter and I did it with deep sincerity.  And then sometimes, I was quiet, fighting tears, and the deep, hollow lonely feeling that was inside of me.  I didn't want to project those dark feelings on others.  It wasn't their fault that their daughters were playing and mine was not.  That loneliness was physically painful at times, but pain builds character right?

So yesterday, when the girls' season ended at Tri-Districts I was filled with a lot of emotion.  I was disappointed that the girls' season had ended.  I was saddened that Kirsten's organized school sports days were over.  But, there was also a part of me that felt relief.  Relief that I would not have to endure the pain for another game.  I know some may read this and think I need to get a grip--it is only sports!  But it was more than that, it was watching your child be rejected, overlooked and de-valued.  That was something that will take  me a little bit to get over.

It hit.

It hit. Our life has been so chaotic lately that there hasn’t been much room for deep felt emotion. Sure, there has been frustration and annoyance, but not the other kind of emotion. The emotion I am talking about is that which surrounds the fact that Kirsten is graduating from high school in a matter of weeks. Last night it hit me.

Last night was Lynden Christian’s 5-12th grades orchestra concert. The final one of the year. The final one of Kirsten’s pre-college education. We showed up early, only to realize we forgot the camera. Dean ducked out and was back in time for the first number of the evening. Whew! The high school orchestra played last so it gave us some time to sit and be still. That is when it hit.

I haven’t had a lot of time to sit and be still this year. Even during church, I am unable to ‘sit and be still’. So last night was it. The first half of the concert was filled with the younger grades showing off what they had learned in orchestra class this year. The 5th grade orchestra, which our friend Dan calls the ‘screechy scratchys’ was first. They actually did quite well. Then the 6th grade orchestra, then the 7-8th grade orchestra. A short intermission/offering time, then we were on to the top guns. The high school students. The guys were dressed in black tuxes and the girls wore their black full length concert dresses. They looked quite impressive. Kirsten’s blue viola bow always stands out, well to me anyway. There she sat, front and center, her seat for the last 8 years, right next to one of her BFFs, Erika. She sat straight and tall, in concert poise with her viola resting upright on her leg and her bow at the ready. I suddenly realized, THIS.IS.THE.LAST.TIME.SHE.WILL.PLAY.FOR.SCHOOL.

Where did that time go? I felt a tear well up with the realization that my true ‘work’ with her is finished. She is ready to head into her first stage of adulthood, without me. Sure we have the summer, but after she graduates in a few weeks, for all intents and purposes, my real work with her is done. She is 18, finished with her grade-schooling, and will no longer be a physical-presence-part of our daily lives.

Kirsten and Kendra presenting Mr. VanSic with parting gifts.

I have never been the type of mom that mourns the progression of my kids’ childhood. I believe as a parent, it is my job to prepare them to move on and away from me. To be successful without me being a part of every aspect of their lives. I don’t want to control them, I want to teach them how to control themselves, make their own decisions, be confident in all situations when I am not physically present, advocate for themselves. But last night was strange. I have gone thru this before with Josh and I have thoroughly enjoyed watching him advance thru his college years. This was different somehow. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. I was sad that her high school years were almost over.

This was a new feeling for me. I’ve always had a hard time relating to those moms that are sad when the summer vacation ends and school begins. I’ve listened to fellow high school seniors’ moms talk about how they aren’t ready for their child to graduate. On the contrary, I have been ready for her to graduate. That is, until last night. Hmmmm, maybe I AM a normal mom. Maybe I’m not the ‘cold hearted bitch’ that I tease my friends I am. Or maybe, I just need to sit and be still more often so that I can process ALL emotion.

Erika, Mr. Van Sic (VanSickle), Kirsten and Mijo

One thing is for sure. I enjoy my children, all of them. I also think we have done a pretty good job in teaching, instructing and guiding them into adulthood. Yes, my ‘work’ is done with Kirsten, now the real fun begins.

The Numbers Game

It has been a while since I sat down to write. The last few weeks have been a big blur. I’m not really sure on what, other than just life. It seems that week after week we feel inundated and overwhelmed with ‘life’. Some of it is good stuff...like dinner last night where the four of us were able to actually sit down and eat at the same time. Usually when this happens, we spend a fair amount of our time laughing about something. Last night was no exception. Then, the meal was over, Dean was off to yet another meeting, Kirsten retreated to her room to tackle the mountain of homework, I cleaned the kitchen, made a few phone calls and then sat down with Annika to view our latest guilty pleasure, Law & Order SVU

This morning as I caught up on checkbook entries (that is NOT a good thing to do these days), I was sucked into the vortex of numbers. There have been a lot of them swirling around in my head the past few weeks. I wanted to share a few:

75,000: The amount in dollars that the gross tuition, room & board bill will be for both Josh and Kirsten to attend Seattle Pacific University next year. I know I keep harping on this number to some of you, but it BLOWS.MY.MIND. While the kids both have received scholarships and grants and student loans, the fact remains that the cost of college has gotten COMPLETELY out of hand. While SPU is a private university it is middle of the road in relation to other schools. For comparison, if Josh and Kirsten were to both go to a state university this fall the cost would be about $40,000 for both of them.

23,000: On a related matter, the amount that the federal government feels Dean and I can come up with to pay for Josh and Kirsten’s education. Uh-huh, no problem, let me just write you a check.

1: The number of houses we own that will be going on the market within the next month. Yup, we made a HUGE decision. We are in the process of putting our house on the market. We keep reminding ourselves it is just a house. Now we hope that it actually sells for what need it to so that we can have a little breathing room.

15: The number of hours a week I am supposed to work at church on a weekly basis. I am finding that more and more I am unable to get the increased workload done in this amount of time. While that is ok, I didn’t realize how chaotic it would be trying to work two part-time jobs. I work less hours, earn less $$ than I did on my previous work schedule but it seems like I have even less time AND it feels like I am always behind and not finishing something. I need to figure this one out before it completely drives me bonkers.

2: The number of times the last two weeks that I have ‘slept’ at the ‘Sleep Clinic’. I really feel this is a misnomer. ‘Sleeping’ in a room where there is a ‘hidden’ camera mounted from the ceiling directly over your bed, does NOT induce a peaceful sleep environment. I kept wondering if the camera covered the bathroom. As a bonus, I am expecting my very own C-Pap machine any day now. Won’t I be the envy of the block? Or at least of my family?

5: The number of nights that I was able to schedule for our family vacation this summer. I keep my fingers crossed that the time we have reserved will work for Josh and Evy,. Kirsten’s schedule was the one constant that I could count on, so we winged it and rented a house on the water a couple hours from home. It isn’t much time, but we are looking forward to it just the same.

29: The number of days left until Kirsten graduates from high school. We are slowly checking off her ‘final’ events of her high school career. Junior Senior Banquet night is done. [check]. AP Calc exam is finished [check]. The last game of the regular softball season was supposed to be today, but was rained out, hopefully tomorrow [check]. Over the next couple of weeks we will also be able to check off the final orchestra concert, senior presentation, national honors trip, senior skip day, district softball, tri-district softball, state softball??, and numerous papers and final projects and of course a few finals. The constant activity and stress level is KILLING me...I can only imagine what it is doing to Kirsten.

31: The number of days left until we have Kirsten’s graduation party. Now, all I have to do is get the invitations out in a timely manner. NO problem. Oh and did I mention that last night Kirsten decided that she really should get some spring senior picture shots....uh huh, no problem, I will get right on that. Monday? You would like them Monday? Ok then.

Well you get the idea.