It was a good Christmas!



One of Kirsten's 'arty' Christmas pics


Christmas 2011 is now officially over.  It was a good Christmas, but it felt different somehow.  It could be because of the weather.  It wasn't particularly cold, there was definitely NO snow, maybe that was it.  We didn't go to Seattle (sadly all my cousins are busy with their own families these days, but I SO miss the years when we would always be together on Christmas).  We had the Christmas Eve gathering with the Haans.  Not everyone was able to be there, so it was a smaller group, maybe that was it?  Maybe it was because I was hobbling around on my scooter, unable to stand on both feet??  I'm not sure, but it did feel different.  Not different bad, just different.

This year has been a tough one for us financially, so I was a little concerned that the kids might be disappointed with the smaller offerings left under the tree.  I shouldn't have worried.  They were all excited with what 'Santa' had left for them!   I'm slowly learning that the kids don't expect it, instead it is what we hope/expect to do for them that needs to be adjusted.  I find myself often falling into the trap of wanting to overcompensate with my own kids--again not something they expect AT ALL, just something I want to do.  I grew up in a household where you were always VERY keenly aware of the household financial issues.  I have vowed many, many times that my own kids would be aware that there was a finite amount of resources, but I never wanted them to feel the stress and strains of the financial crisis that I felt growing up.  Growing up in a household where you think you might be homeless at any moment is not good for instilling security.  I didn't want to do that to my own kids.

So while it felt different this year, it was still a very good Christmas.   The kids are happy, Dean and I are happy together, and we are all healthy (well relatively speaking--my body is a bit broken, but that is somewhat fixable).  Joshua is excited to be getting married next year, Kirsten loves college, Annika is enjoying her life.  Yup, not so bad.  Next year at this time, we will be doing who knows what and starting new traditions.  Maybe why that is why this year felt different.  It is the last year that it will be just the 5 of us.

Here are some pictures from our weekend.  Enjoy!


Joshua decided that even though we started opening gifts at 2:00 pm he would normally open gifts in his pjs, sooooo, he changed out of his clothes, and donned his new robe and pj pants for the rest of the day.





Yay!  My Harry Potter DVD collection is complete!



WHAH??? You mean Kirsten and  I got Josh a 'Goats in Trees' Calendar and Josh got ME a 'Goats in Trees' Calendar???



Dean and I almost went out and got Kirsten one...



Isn't she cute??





Merry Christmas!

We're going to have a wedding!

At the kick-off of this holiday season, we were given some news. Our oldest, Joshua and his girlfriend Evy told us that they had set a wedding date and were planning to get married September 1, 2012. I phrase it this way because when questioned by Nadya, (Evy’s delightful Russian mother who is a spitfire) if she could say that they were ‘engaged’ Josh replied ‘No’, he needed to propose yet. I know, I know, whah????

See, these two are a little unconventional in some (most) traditional realms and we love them for it. Josh informed us that he was not going to be purchasing Evy an engagement ring because: a) she said she didn’t want and/or need one b) it cost money they don’t really have and c) they know they are getting married, why do they need an engagement ring to show to everyone else–a wedding band should cover it right? So we proceed with the ‘engagement’, although I am informed today that he still needs to actually propose, he is working on that. He did inform me that he did speak to Nadya and acquired her permission for this whole proposal thing (again, should you have done that BEFORE you told her you had a date set to marry her daughter??). Anywhoooo, I am learning in yet another way that my oldest is far from conventional. Honestly, it makes me laugh. However, his lack of ‘proper’ order is stressing out his oldest younger sister who can’t quite figure out WHAT they are doing.

The wedding plans? Well, I am sure those will be unique as well. If it was one of our daughters, I would already have most of it figured out in my mind. Mainly because over the years, when the girls and I have discussed weddings, we have always talked about our likes/dislikes and what we would like to do/not to do at such time as they each get married. This one though??? I have NO idea how to proceed with this event. All I have to go on is that the ultimate desire of the bride and groom is a ‘picnic in the park’. I’ve heard ‘baked potatos’, I’ve heard ‘potluck’, but honestly it is much too early to have details at this point. I have told Joshua that I will try my hardest to not become a pain in his and Evy’s butts during this planning process. I will be supportive and I will keep my mouth shut. I have also asked him to tell me to shut up if I start to drive him nuts, but he needs to remember that when it comes to brainstorming ideas about large group events, my mind will always kick into a problem solving, logistics management mode.

Our future daughter-in-law Evy comes from a very large extended family. Her mom is one of 13 children, all of whom immigrated to the United States (via Israel) from Siberia in the early 1980s. From what I am told, they are a very large and very entertaining family who never goes anywhere without bringing food, lots and lots of food. I have heard the word ‘crazy’ used often when she and Josh describe her extended family and associated family encounters (always said with a smile on their faces). I will readily admit that I have already begun to refer to the upcoming nuptials as ‘my big fat Russian wedding’. I think my dear, Great Auntie Al may roll over in her grave before this amazing festival of nuptials passes! It makes me smile just when I think about it. My big city lawyer younger brother (who is absent from most family events) has even told me that he wants to be here (pray that his scheduled trial is postponed!). Now THAT will be a minor miracle!

As we anticipate gaining a new daughter (in-law), and our family merging with this larger contingent, we look forward to the richness that will be added to our family. We look forward to ‘my big fat Russian wedding’. Stay tuned!

Family Photos

After years of procrastination, this November, we FINALLY took the time to have some professional pictures taken of the fam.  The procrastination had to do with the fact that I was always hoping to lose that 20 30+ lbs before subjecting myself to the scrutiny of a camera lens.  At the beginning of November the subject of family photos came up again.  When I replied that I just wanted to lose some weight, Kirsten told me, 'Mom who are you trying to kid?'.  Point taken, game won, photographer arranged.

The wonderfully talented Jessica Kasparian spent a VERY cold morning with us and made us all feel very relaxed.  I think the pictures show that we actually enjoyed the process.  Enjoy...

I believe this one they were laughing because she asked Dean and I to hold hands and look at each other.  This CRACKED the kids up.

This picture is PERFECT! 

Evy and Joshua, or as we anticipate on September 1, 2012, "Mr. and Mrs. Joshua and Evy Haan"

My deepest apologies for being absent.

Maybe no one has noticed, but I haven't written in a long time.  I have a series of excuses, but I won't go into disgustingly boring detail.  My life has just been a little out of my control.  In anticipation of surgery last Wednesday, December 14, I was working like a wild woman to get caught up at both of my jobs as well as trying to get everything done and prepped for Christmas.  Having surgery in December seemed like an ok idea at the time I scheduled it, but the reality is not so great.  On the other hand, I honestly can't remember the last time I had EVERYTHING ready for Christmas by December 12 (my self-imposed deadline).  HOWEVER, it did make me a little nutso the last month.

The night before my surgery I worked at job #2 until 7 pm trying to finish up loose ends--cut checks, run reports, send emails, you know try to pre-empt those questions and requests that might come up.  It really was all for nothing.  My intention was that no one would 'bother' me for at least 2 weeks.  In fact, I had been quite clear that I was intending to be on pain meds and so asking me questions regarding bookkeeping matters was ill advised.  My REPEATED warnings didn't sink in.  Sad to report, the day AFTER surgery I started receiving texts regarding job #2.  Good grief.  I understand on the one hand, but seriously??? That was not to be outdone by the phone call I received yesterday informing me of yet more 'issues' that this person felt I needed ot take care of.  CAN EVERYONE PLEASE JUST MELLOW OUT AND LET ME HAVE A LITTLE TIME OFF???  Now, don't get me wrong, I'm more than willing to answer questions, but the bookkeeping 'stuff' I specifically asked to not be bothered about for 2 weeks.  That is all I asked, 2 weeks.

So, here I sit, 6 days post-op.  I honestly canNOT remember the last time I stayed inside my house for 6 days.  I don't think I have ever stayed in my house for this long...wait, maybe I have when I was on bedrest with Kirsten.  Ok, but that was 19 years ago, so does that really count??   I got through surgery last week, not without a few little 'issues'. 

First, I decided that I didn't want to have anyone sitting with me behind curtain #1 while I anticipated being drugged and cut and sawed.  Soooo, I told Dean to drop me off at admitting and come back when he heard they were finishing up.  He works down the street from the hospital so it isn't as cold as it sounds.  PLUS, he could log into the hospital's website and watch the surgery schedule board from his office and thus monitor the progress of my surgery.  So, he went in with me to sign in and then headed to work.  I sat and waited.

They checked me in, bagged and labeled my comfy yoga pants and hoodie in exchange for a lovely hospital gown, put the IV in and then pulled the curtain.  I dozed for the next hour, until at one point I woke up and realized the IV line was red, BRIGHT RED.  Hmmmmm, I don't think this is right. I pushed the nurse button.  Soon there was a bit of a buzz behind curtain #1 as they realized the IV line had come undone and my blood had been leaking out into what had become a rather large puddle on the floor.  BRILLIANT.  (Have I mentioned that the last surgery I had resulted in a second emergency surgery due to internal bleeding??  uh huh--that was another interesting stay in the hospital.)  So, we had a little delay getting into the OR that day.  At one point, I do remember waking and hearing sawing and deciding it was better to sleep.  After surgery, the Dr. told me that my foot was worse than he had anticipated.  OUTSTANDING!  Then I asked him if that meant I had a good reason to 'be bitching about the foot pain I had been having?'. This seemed to make everyone laugh and he told me that yes, I DEFINITELY had a reason to bitch.  Whew! I was worried that maybe my Grandpa SK genes had failed me in the "tough it up department", now I had confirmation from the surgeon that my foot had in fact been a mess that definitely required surgical intervention, thus my occasional bitching had been warranted. 

Then the good news.  Because the foot was worse than anticipated I was informed that I could put absolutely NO WEIGHT on my foot for the next several weeks.  Yippee!  This was going to add an entirely new dimension to my 'learning patience' exercise that I had been anticipating in the weeks leading up to surgery.  I had gotten pretty comfortable with the idea of walking in a boot bearing weight on my heel only and felt I could conquer that no problem.  This was something different.  This meant crutches, or HORRORS, a WALKER.

This thing comes with a warning that states: 
Do not use on stairs.

We returned home that night with a walker and crutches.  Let me be the first to say that trying to use either of these devices while balancing on one foot is not an easy task.  Add to that the fact that I have rheumatoid arthritis which has weakened my arms and elbows (oh and let's not forget that I had to go off my RA meds for weeks in anticipation of the surgery), and I was a very annoyed and frustrated patient after the first day.  Oh, and did I mention that the pain meds make me itch UNCONTROLLABLY from head to toe??  That's right, I had told the Dr. this and he told me to just take Benadryl with the pain meds--guess what? Benadryl didn't help. AT.ALL.  By the end of Day 1 Post-Op, I think Dean and the girls were ready to kill me and I was ready to at least severely mutilate anyone in my path I was so miserable.  On Day 2 PO I decided to skip the pain meds.  I will take the pain over the itching ANY.DARN.DAY.  Yesterday, I finally gave up on the crutches and Dean brought home, this wonderful piece of durable medical equipment called a 'knee scooter'.  I NEVER in my life thought I could be excited about such a thing, but the first spin around the bedroom, I was hooked, I will be able to move farther than the bathroom!  Yippee!!

So, here I am Day 6 PO and I am beginning to wonder how I will make it through the next several weeks without going completely nutso.  I guess I am slowly accepting how much I need to learn patience.  And guess what?  When this foot heals, I get to do it all over again.

Good times, good times.

Happy 15th Birthday Annika!

Well, it is here and official.  Annika turned 15 today!  That means that she can get her driver's permit (just as soon as I pay $400 and enroll her in driver's ed classes!).  I can hardly believe that she is 15, but then again I also keep finding it strange that I also have a son old enough to legally purchase alcohol! 

Josh and Kirsten came home to help her celebrate.  It is a long weekend of festivities.  Last night we had the friend birthday party--big success.  Such a nice group of girls.  We took them out to dinner and they were all so appreciative.  They even each offered to pay for their own!  It was interesting to me how these girls were so concerned about us buying them dinner, they asked what their price limit was and everything!  I don't think I have ever had that before!  Tonight is our family dinner out.  Then Sunday will be the extended family lunch/dinner.  Are you getting the birthday theme?? Food and lots of it!

So Happy 15th Birthday Annika!  You are growing into such a wonderfully confident young lady.  Your sense of humor continues to develop and we LOVE.IT.  Oh and congratulations on getting in the high school musical too!!  We can't wait!!

We Love You!!

Challenge: The List

Currently I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts” by Ann Voskamp. I say attempting because I find it difficult to carve out time to sit and read. Historically, my reading time has generally been at bedtime, but these days by the time I get there, I don’t last very long and I am usually drawn to my nightstand’s stack of decorating, cooking and sewing magazines FIRST before I pick up a book. So, I am attempting to read “One Thousand Gifts”. This book is not the type of book that I generally pick out to read. However, I made a commitment to read the book and gather weekly with a group of women to discuss a chapter at a time. I must be brutally honest that while Voskamp writes beautifully and eloquently, her writing style is COMPLETELY lost on me. The message of the book, however, is not.

The subtitle of “One Thousand Gifts” is ‘A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are’. This sub-title is what hooked me. For the last several years Dean and I have felt in many ways that our lives are ‘on hold’. Plans to go full time on the mission field, derailed. Attempts to sell our home, derailed. Quest for good health, derailed. Search for more time to spend on the things we enjoy, derailed. It feels that we are always waiting for something to start a chain of events where our real life can start. Frustrations with work, family, health, church, finances always seem to drain the energy and make us yearn for a fresh start. A Do-Over.

This year we prayed for God’s leading and direction. If He wanted us to move, he would allow our house to sell, our debts to be paid, and a new path to be dictated. Our self-imposed deadline was the first part of September. Well September came and went, and with September came a new health (and financial) challenge. We pulled the For Sale sign down and realized, again, that God has other things in mind for us right now.

So, moving on. ‘A Dare to Life Fully Right Where You Are’. I will give it a try. I picked up the book and I started to read. By Chapter 3 I was hooked. Again, remember, I have to fight through the verbose to connect with the message, but I am connecting with the message. I relate to the author’s feelings of disappointment, sadness and restlessness. Her quest for T.I.M.E. Then, she stumbles onto something, being thankful and it changes her, for the better.

A friend challenges Ann to begin making a list of 1,000 things to be thankful for. She discovers that once you have identified those things, however small, give THANKS for them. Each of those things are a blessing, a way that God shows you how he loves you. A gift to you, to remind you, that you are special. By giving thanks, we set the tone for amazing things to happen. At first the concept of list-making can be a little difficult to grasp. I think in today’s world, we are always in the bigger is better mode. We forget to recognize those tiny things throughout our day that can make us smile. In the book, Ann starts her list and shares many of the examples. As you read her list beginnings you see how retraining the eye to not overlook things as simple as the colors of soap bubbles can enable you to find joy in their beauty. The chubby hands of a small child. The smell of fresh buttered toast. The first sip of your morning latte’. All of these things that can and do bring warmth to your soul.

Earlier this week, a friend was struggling to put a bad mood behind her. I suggested to her to try to recognize throughout her day all those things that may bring a flash of smile to her face. When she felt the smile, write down the cause and give thanks! Then, continue to add to it. See how fast you can get to 1,000 things. Once you open your eyes, it can change, EVERYTHING.

So I challenge you (along with Ann Voskamp), to grab a small notebook and start recording. As you record, don’t forget to give thanks.

A few of mine for today:

* A warm shower.

* The quiet of the house, a chance to breathe.

* A smiling picture posted on Facebook.

* A fresh, warm cheesy goodness piece of pizza.

* A quick lunch with my best friend and husband.

* Bright red fall leaves set against the clear blue sky.

Another day

The last few weeks have been the usual. Work, church, meetings, appointments, work. I find I am having a very difficult time keeping track of what day it is. Maybe I need to start putting a big ‘X’ on the calendar at the end of each day. Part of the usual routine the ongoing adjustment to living with (finally diagnosed) rheumatoid arthritis. I fully acknowledge and appreciate that to some it might not sound like any big deal, but to me I find that mentally it is a big deal. While I am thankful for a diagnosis and a course of treatment, I find myself frustrated with several aspects of the whole bizness.

I don’t think that most people have any real idea what rheumatoid arthritis is. R.A. is not the same as osteoarthritis. Osteoarthritis is the most common joint disorder and is characterized as being wear and tear on a joint. We get older, we experience stiffness and less mobility, especially in those areas where we might have suffered an earlier injury. By the time you are 70, almost everyone has experienced some sort of osteoarthritis. As we age, the cartilage wears down and you get more areas where bone rubs on bone. While this is not pleasant, it is a natural part of aging, often see at a younger age in people that are very active in sports and/or exercise.

R.A. is very different. R.A. is an autoimmune disorder where your body mistakenly attacks healthy tissue. It can strike at any age. The cause is unknown. It is a long term disease that causes inflammation of the joints and surrounding tissue. R.A. can affect almost every part of your body including your lungs, heart, and eyes. It causes fatigue as well as severe pain and decreased mobility. It is not something that can be ‘cured’. So if someone ever tells you that they have been diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis, it isn’t helpful to them for you to compare it to the arthritis you have in the knee you hurt when you were in high school. While I can appreciate that your knee is stiff and painful, it is not the same as what I (and others who have RA) experience on a daily basis.

Every morning when I wake up (and this is after I have been awakened several times during the night because of pain in my joints and the need to shift into a more comfortable position), the first few seconds of consciousness I feel great. Then my sensory function kicks in and I ache and hurt everywhere. I shift my leg and my pain shoots through my right knee (the one that doesn’t seem to want to bend the way I need it to whenever I go down stairs). I move my foot and again pain shoots through every joint, up my leg. Then I move my arms. A ring of pain encircles my elbows as I try to straighten out my arms. I lay there for a long while, not wanting to move. Finally, I force myself to sit up and I swing my legs over the bed. I stand, putting weight on my feet and the joints that have been worn and thinned by a combination of a deformity in the bone formation-- weakened by the significant amount of fluid surrounding each joint that slowly has eroded the bone density of the joint. This is how my mornings go. I hobble around until slowly the joints begin to warm and loosen. It is not just in the waking moments of each day. If I sit for too long (for me I find as little as 20 minutes in a stationary position can do it), I find that most of my joints seize and I have to go through the warming up process all over again.

I describe all of this to give a little glimpse of what it is like for me. I do not share in an attempt to garner sympathy, but instead to offer information.  Again, I am thankful for a diagnosis where my doctor is now working to find something that will work well for me. While we cannot undo the damage that has already been caused, we can find treatment that will (hopefully) help prevent further erosion and will reduce some of the symptoms. The first round of drugs did not go well for me. I could not tolerate the drugs used to treat cancer. My skin peeled, I had excruciating headaches not to mention an attack on my digestive tract. We have since moved on to what are termed as ‘biologics’. To me that is just a silly term that describes VERY expensive medicine that is not on my insurance carrier’s drug formulary. Imagine my surprise when I was told that the medicine I needed would cost $1950 a month and that the insurance company was only willing to be half of that cost. To say I was stoked doesn’t adequately cover it. So, I picked up my first month’s supply, crossed my fingers and hoped that it would work. After 2 weeks I don’t feel much different but I can tell that the obscene swelling in my feet has gone down to the point that I can squeeze my feet back into my Danskos (which is a good thing because I have several pairs and I really don’t think I can afford to pay for the medicine AND buy new shoes!). We have learned about a program that the drug manufacturer offers that helps pay the uncovered costs of the medicine. Hopefully it will help in a significant way.

With the diagnosis comes other realizations. As I have said, my new medication routine involves very expensive medicine that needs to be refrigerated. As that new part of my life sunk in, I realized that this may greatly affect our desire to live in parts unknown some day. We had hoped and planned that after Annika graduated from high school, we could finally start our ‘second career’ working for a mission-related organization in some foreign assignment. Now we are not sure how this will all factor in. I feel that there may be some more change in mindset in that plan.

The other realization, surgery. Two weeks ago I was told that I will need surgery on both feet. I have deformities in both feet that only surgery can correct. The RA hasn’t caused the deformities, but it has exacerbated the deformity issues to the point that surgery is the only remedy to alleviate the pain that I constantly feel. The first surgery will be December 14. They tell me that I will need to wait at least 3 months, then I will have the second surgery. The surgeon tells me that it takes the average person 9 months before they are fully healed. So, I anticipate a fun year! Again, I am thankful for a treatment option, but I am a bit overwhelmed thinking spending the next several months hobbling around. Honestly though, I am not able to walk very much now, so what is another year?

(Almost) All Grown Up!

I can't get motivated to do much today.  Right now we are waiting for some friends to stop in and share a glass of wine (or a beer) and catch up on our lives.  We SO wish that these friends lived next door. Sadly they are only 40 minutes away, but we don't get to see each other near enough!  So while I am waiting for some of our favorite people to arrive, I thought I might do a little updating.

Today is one of those awesome crisp fall days.  I woke up this morning and it was foggy.  You know the kind of fog?  That fall fog where the air is just cold enough to cling to the spider webs.  Usually I see all those webs outside and I feel the urge to go and sweep them all away, but this morning, I just peered out and looked at all the intricate designs that our spider friends had made.  Then I crawled back in bed for a little more sleep.  The rest of the day has been like that.  Nap a little, run the Saturday errands, nap a little more.  I feel guilty, but then Dean keeps reminding me that my body needs a little rest.

The last few weeks have been a whirlwind.  We successfully moved Josh and Kirsten to Seattle Pacific University.  I can't believe they have already finished their first 2 weeks of classes!  Josh is loving his campus housing pick this year.  He is living on the main floor of a university owned house with 3 other guys.  The place is a college senior's dream.  In the middle of campus (directly across the street from Kirsten's dorm!), HUGE living room and dining room (perfect for having lots of people over to hang out), 3 bedrooms, basic kitchen and large picture windows that let the light flood in.  Oh and the view out the windows isn't so bad either.   Oh and he can even park in the house's driveway, another bonus!  I can hardly believe that he is a senior!  That's right, he will GRADUATE FROM COLLEGE this coming May.  I still can't get used to the fact that I have a child that can legally purchase beer!  When I was his age, I was married, owned a house and was thinking about having him!  He is managing to work at Gwinn and keep up with a busy class load.  Last week he told us he was spending 2-3 hours A DAY working on his French for class.  His dedication to learning is inspiring to me.

I wonder if Kirsten has managed to keep her bed made and her half of the room this clean.

Kirsten has definitely adapted to college life.  I love to stalk her Facebook page so that I can see all the fun she is having.  She survived her first biology test this week.  She tells me it was hard, but she got through it.  Oh how I wish that I had her same confidence when I was 18.  She amazes me!  She is taking Biology, Chemistry, Calculus and then another 'USEM' class.  She and her roommate seem to be getting along very well so we are thankful for that.  We were thankful when we helped her unpack and set up her dorm room and she was able to fit everything in.  For a child to go from having a 12 foot walk-in closet to a small dorm room armoire, we were a little concerned, but she did it!  And she had a little room to spare!  People have asked us if it is weird to send the second one off to college--if we were sad.  Honestly, we can answer 'no' to that question.  We definitely miss having her around on a daily basis, but when we finally arrived at moving to college day and we saw her absolute joy and excitement over moving into this next stage of life, how could we be sad? 

Kirsten and some of her new college friends--how can you not smile when you look at these girls?

While moving into this phase where we have 2 kids in college has been a wide range of emotions, probably the biggest joy we have had the last 2 weeks is seeing how well Annika is doing with this change.  All year we have been a little geared up in anticipation of how these big changes were going to be weathered.  First, she started high school.  Guess what?  SHE.LOVES.IT.  Her classes are going well, she is confident in several friendships, and she greets each school day WITHOUT DREAD.  Then, we had to go through the 'my brother AND my sister are going away to college' step.  Again, we have been overwhelmed with thanksgiving at how that transition has gone.  I think we are almost ready to say that the tens of thousands of dollars we have spent on her care and therapy the last 7 years have all been well spent and all worth it.  Almost.  Ask me when we are done paying off our last loan!  In all seriousness, Dean and I have spent a lot of time talking about it lately.  We have come to the consensus that for the first time in 7 years, we can honestly say that Annika and her 'issues' are the least of our concerns these days.  There was a time when we didn't know if we would ever be able to say that.  It is pretty amazing.

Yup, I think I like this stage of parenting.  Not too shabby, not too shabby at all.

Speaking of why I haven't blogged lately...

I know that I have been a very, very bad blogger lately. I apologize for the two of you that still read this! My life has gotten a little off balanced again lately. I’m trying to ‘right the ship’, but I have not been very successful at it. I will try to correct some of that now.

Over a year ago I made the very difficult decision to cut WAY back at work (down to 1/day/week). I LOVED that decision. After a few years of very difficult times, I needed the rest. I didn’t need the huge hole it left in my checkbook, but I needed the rest. Unfortunately it was a short lived period of time. In January of this year, I took a second part-time job (15 hrs/week). It was a job I knew I would be good at and I thought I was ready for the challenge. Turns out, I wasn’t.

Since January I have found myself increasingly exhausted and cranky. Of course it doesn’t help that this new job, where I work with people I truly enjoy and respect and admire, has exposed me to some very painful experiences. I took this job because: a) I was asked to apply, b) I felt that there was a tremendous need that I could fill and that would fulfill me and c) I was anticipating a more positive work environment. Now, 9+ months later, I know that I made a huge mistake. I am at a point where I can again barely get out of bed in the morning (other reasons for that I will detail later) and I have been left feeling very disillusioned and disheartened. I still LOVE the people that I work with and I enjoy the actual ‘work’ that I do. My pain has come in watching the antics (for lack of a better word) of those outside our office(s) which antics affect those that are IN our office(s). My pain has come in watching people that I work with, and care deeply for, be hurt and disparaged and slandered. I know that I will get in trouble and cause more harm than good to detail the antics here, and I don’t want to do that. I guess, bottom line, I’m tired. I’m tired of defending, explaining, and reasoning. I’m tired of trying to figure out the motivation behind others’ actions. I’m tired of trying to understand how some people can be so hurt that they lash out and try to destroy another. I’m tired.

To add to that little circle in my life, are several other circles that all seem to overlap. The first job that I struggled to finally cut WAY back on?? Well, my replacement turned out to be a disaster. No, disaster doesn’t fully cover it. She was ALMOST as bad as the receptionist we had once that didn’t know what the ‘little numbers’ on the stamps meant. Uh huh–I canNOT make that one up. So, after a year of repeating the same basic instructions over and over and over, Bossman decided he had endured enough and he showed her the door. Of course, the fallout has to fall in my direction–right?? So I get sucked RIGHT back into the black hole. Because I have the other part-time job which occupies 3 days/week, I am only available 2 days/week. So while a year ago I was able to start taking care of myself, and was limited to only 1 day/week work commitment, I am now committed 5 days/week and frankly I think I should BE committed.

I know that most people work 5 days/week. To you, I applaud you and I salute you with my utmost sincerity and respect. However, for me, I am weak and tired and I am not equipped at this point in my life to navigate through two jobs that commit me 5 days/week. AGAIN, I feel it should be repeated that I should BE committed. We are trying to sell the house which requires keeping it in pristine condition. EPIC FAIL on this count. We have two kids leaving for college next week–after MONTHS I still have been unable to finish Kirsten’s quilt and I am in a complete panic as to whether or not I will in fact complete it on time! I still have to shop and plan meals and cook for a houseful of people that seem to always be hungry! I have to navigate through a series of doctor appointments, shrink appointments, orthodontist appointments, church meetings, and never ending family issues. Oh and did I mention that I was diagnosed last week with Rheumatoid Arthritis? Oh, I forgot that one?

Yup, 5 years ago, I was first referred to a rheumatologist with arthritis symptoms. The Doc decided that I didn’t seem bad enough so he sent me on my way. Since that time I have had a progressively long list of ailments that have plagued me. Over the years the pain has increased and my joint mobility has decreased. I have been told ‘you are getting older’ one too many times by my primary care physician as an explanation for symptoms that didn’t seem right to me. My feet (which have suffered the most) have degenerated to the point that walking any distance is a struggle. Soooooooo, after a MRI showed signs of rheumatoid arthritis in my feet, including what appears to be some joint damage (I get to see a surgeon on that one), I was directed back to the rheumatologist, who reviewed my records and pronounced me afflicted. He gave me a scrip for weekly injections of a powerful drug often used to treat cancer patients, printed out a long and scary list of side effect possibilities, and sent me on my way.

And this, my friends, summarizes why I haven’t been very good at blogging lately....

Why did you believe THAT?

I have a Facebook friend that likes to post things just to get a reaction out of people. I’m convinced that the more inflammatory the potential of the post is, the more he likes it. I know my friend is a political conservative. I respect his right to have whatever political view he wants...after all that is what our country is about. However, I sometimes shake my head about the things he chooses to post and my perception that he BELIEVES this stuff. Usually I let it go, but the other day he had posted a link that was just SO over the top that I found myself commenting, and now I find myself blogging.

He posted the following link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fu6ok5ykyuQ&feature=share .  I don’t think I can do it justice, so you really should watch it first. However, if you aren’t able to view it, I will summarize it this way: A guy is driving thru the Tacoma Housing Authority’s Salishan project. As he drives thru filming the various buildings, streets, cars, he talks nonstop about how this entire project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ with ‘$225 Million of social security money’ (he keeps emphasizing the amount of money in a really obnoxious way). He rants about how beautiful the project is, how it is constructed without concern of cost, how the ‘illegal immigrants’ and ‘foreigners’ get to live in this project for free and how they each receive $2,642 a month in social security money even though they are ‘illegal immigrants’. He repeats over and over and over again how the project is built for ‘illegal immigrants’. He rails about the ‘foreigners’ that live there. He even lists them as ‘Koreans, Chinese, orientals’. Uh huh, he used ‘orientals’ as a proper term.

Now in my humble opinion, the guy that made the video is a pompous, blowbag bigot that has a lot of hatred towards anyone who wasn’t born in this country. Furthermore, he spouts about how the government programs work, but he is slightly off (as in COMPLETELY OFF HIS ROCKER) in his rant. As I watched the video, my reaction was one of unbelief that this guy could spout lie after exaggerated lie about the Salishan project and how the government was building this project for ‘illegal immigrants’. Judging by the other comments to my friend’s post, I was (somewhat) alone in my unbelief of this guy’s rhetoric. PEOPLE WERE BELIEVING THE CONTENT OF THE VIDEO. I couldn’t believe it and it made me question ‘WHY DID YOU BELIEVE THAT?’.

Like I said, the video piqued my interest. I had recently read an article about World War II era housing authority projects in the Puget Sound region and their need to be revitalized and/or rebuilt. Salishan had been included in this article. Salishan is a Tacoma Housing Authority project that was originally built after World War II. They have been rebuilding and upgrading it for years. It is a MIXED use project, meaning that the project consists of low income AND market rate owners. PLUS there is a lot of commercial space in this project that is either rented for market rate, or sold, so that it helps to underwrite the cost of maintenance and infrastructure. I have no doubt that there is controversy about the Salishan project. Any large project would be subject to intense scrutiny. I have not spent the time researching everything that has been said/written about the project. My information comes from a few articles and the Tacoma Housing Authority's own website which details the various 'neighborhoods' and tenants within the project.  This a project that was started BEFORE THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION. However, this little fact didn’t stop someone from posting: That is absolute BS! After seeing this, I don't know how anyone can vote for a democrat and their entitlement programs (see example above)! No wonder why we have so many illegal immigrants if thats the kind of good life the government provides. Its also the reason why our country is BROKE!

Again, I asked myself ‘HOW CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS?’. The author of the comment is a smart young man, how could he watch the video and not see the hatred and mistruths that this man was spewing? How could he not want to check things out for himself and verify if these unbelievable statements were true or not. Why was he so determined to believe it at face value? 

I could go on and on about everything in the video that made me gasp. Even if the rhetoric the man was spewing was true, how can people forget that, for most of us, OUR ANCESTORS were immigrants to this country...granted the programs of today for immigrants weren't there in those days, but today's immigrants face a whole host of problems (just like we do) that didn't exist then either. Why is there so much hatred and mistrust of those that immigrate to our country?  When did that happen?  I understand that a staggering amount of money has been spent on public housing, and in particular this project.  I understand that Mixed Economic Use projects like this one are expensive, but the theory is that this type of housing model proves a better project in the long run to have BOTH low income AND middle-upper income in the same neighborhood, but to attract the mid-upper, you have to have it built and looking nice. After all, public perception is such that no one wants low income in THEIR backyard.  Right?

Another one of my problems with this video (besides the apparent distaste this man has for ‘foreigners’ and people of low income) is that it implies that ALL THE HOUSING UNITS were built for 'illegal immigrants'. That is NOT true.  How could you believe this was true?  There is a wide range of housing units in the Salishan project, everything from a Baptist Assisted Living/Retirement facility to privately owned medical clinics to Habitat For Humanity homes, to market rate rentals. The actual number of true subsidized low income units is small in the overall scheme. Furthermore, no part of the project was built for ‘illegal immigrants’ (seriously can you imagine the Housing Authority planning meeting??  'Yup, let's design and build a project for illegal immigrants.  I am sure no one will mind, the government will give us plenty of money for that so long as we make it ONLY for illegal immigrants').   First, this guy is confusing undocumented workers (aka ‘illegal immigrants’) with those that qualify for Supplemental Security Income (SSI) as a ‘qualified alien’ under the Federal Government guidelines (which again were NOT WRITTEN DURING THE OBAMA ADMINISTRATION, but which have existed for many, many years). A ‘qualified alien’  is someone who has IS IN THIS COUNTRY LEGALLY and generally is one who has previously either sought asylum or is a qualified refugee (as deemed by several specific factors). Only after you are determined to be a ‘qualified alien’ (again, which you can only be deemed if you have entered our country legally and are properly documented) can you then be considered for receiving SSI. It is a lengthy process that is not granted easily. Income and asset restrictions still apply. Bottom line, if you are an ‘illegal immigrant’ you CANNOT QUALIFY FOR SOCIAL SECURITY OR SSI. Another little factoid that seems to have escaped the video’s narrator, SSI is NOT FUNDED by Social Security dollars. While SSI is a Social Security program, it is not funded by Social Security monies that come out of our paychecks. It is funded by general tax revenue. Some may not see the distinction, but there IS a distinction. Another interesting fact, there are many ‘illegal immigrants’ that pay into Social Security but which will never collect Social Security.  That's right, I am acknowledging that there are illegal immigrants in this country that are WORKING.  Shocking I know. (denote sarcasm here).

Regardless of how others may feel about immigration or low income issues, or what political party you align yourself with most, I always struggle with the social justice issues i.e., housing assistance, food stamps, WIC, SSI (again which is a program that was established and exists to provide supplemental income to disabled folks who have little to no income and assets) and other like programs. I go rounds with myself wondering what is required of us as a nation that (in spite of its current economic woes) has been blessed with an (over)abundance. Even more personally as a follower of Christ, I can never quite shake the direction in Luke 12:48: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked."   I know, I know, there are some that say this doesn't apply to what I am talking about.  Some say that this is taken out of context.  Personally, I don't want to make that call that it 'doesn't apply' to my life.  I understand and acknowledge that from a fiscally conservative view social justice issues don't pencil out very well, but is that the only thing we should focus on???

For me, I hope that I continue to check into the background of statements that I hear that shock me and seem unbelievable.  I have found that in today's political arena and mass media environment, there is a lot of slant and embellishment going on to try to scare people one way or the other.   I try to not take too much at face value, especially if it seems a little shocking.  I also hope that others would do the same.

Garage Sale

So today we did it. We had a garage sale. On some levels I hate this sort of thing and on others, I.LOVE.IT.

We went thru the house last weekend with a very brutal eye. I dug thru cupboards and closets, purging those items that I knew I could easily do without. The result?? 6 tables full of items that we no longer need (oh and several other items that were not ‘tabled’ but which were laid out for people to grab). Kirsten was gracious enough to use her week off to organize items into categories. On Friday night I was able to whisk thru and price. Whew! I was done by 9 pm Friday and ready to go Saturday morning first thing.

Things I HATE about garage sales. First, the people that show up BEFORE you say you open and hang out while you are getting your bearings. We had 2 of those this morning. (Neighbors NEVER count in this...I always LOVE neighbors that show up to support, coffee cup in hand, a roll of dollar bills shoved in their pockets). No, I am referring to the professional garage sale shopper that shows up AT LEAST 15 minutes before you start and perches themselves on your utility marker and says ‘you ARE having a sale today right?’. Yes we are you hag, just give me a minute to haul my tables out and get my own darn cup of coffee before I haggle with you over whether or not I will sell you my children’s favorite games for 10 cents! For a sale that consisted of items marked in 25 cent increments, we did well. By the end of the sale hours, 3/4 of the ‘crap’ was gone and I had a respectable amount of bills in my make-shift cash box. We easily boxed the remains, pulled the tags off, and dropped the items off at the thrift store.

The day was eventful. I am never one that likes to use the phrase ‘it was a God thing’ because it sounds so superficial, but we experienced a true ‘God’ moment. About 3/4 of the way thru our sale, a mother and her two sons showed up. It was at a quiet moment (did I mention the weather was glorious today–blue sky and sun?? I have a tan face with eyeglass imprint to prove it!) where Dean, Annika and I were alone with our customers of the moment. The mom was looking thru the table of girls’ clothes, when she held up one of my girls’ tank tops to her two sons an said ‘this is the size your sister is now’. I found it a rather odd statement, but didn’t think TOO much of it. Then the woman turned to me and said ‘their sister is in a residential treatment center boarding school’. I.COULDN’T BELIEVE.IT.

‘Really?, where?’. I asked

‘Utah’.

‘Oh, where in Utah?’ I said

‘Salt Lake, Eva Carlston’.

I think my heart skipped a beat. This past week, was the first time in my life I had even heard of Eva Carlston Treatment Center outside of Salt Lake. HOW I heard of Eva Carlston is a modern day miracle. Thru the specialized literary genre which is blogging, I had new comments posted on my blog entry about Uinta (the residential treatment center where Annika was at in 2009). The most recent comments had informed me that Annika’s counselor at Uinta, Sue Hoffman, was now at Eva Carlston RTC. Now, I was sitting in my driveway, manning my garage sale, when this woman informed me that her 12 year old daughter was at Eva Carlston.

Whah??? I could not believe my ears. I responded to this woman....

‘Oh Eva Carlston, where Kristi Ragsdale and Sue Hoffman are?’.

The woman stopped cold and looked at me....

Long story short, we struck up a conversation about residential treatment centers, living thru the nightmare which is placing your child in such a place, and how it affects all family members involved. We hope to meet this week for coffee and share more.

So tonight I am blessed that our house is a little emptier, my wallet is a little more padded AND we were brought together with another family that is experiencing the same nightmare that we went thru 2 years ago. Ok, I realize that sounds weird. My point is that we have just met a family, in our community, that can relate on ALL levels to what we went thru and perhaps we can give them a listening ear AND an infusion of hope as they go thru the enormous struggle that we went thru 2 years ago. I just heard from my fellow ‘parent in circumstance’... she ‘friended’ me on Facebook. We hope to get together this week and talk more.

So as I have said before,

God is good, ALL the time.

How Can You Feeling Lonely in a Crowded Room?

I have been having this problem for a while. I can be surrounded by people, but I feel lonely and lost. I hate it. I have always been a very social person. I have people in my life that I have known since I was A LOT younger, so I know that I am capable of developing and maintaining friendships (although I have had one person tell me that I am worthless at this, I know for a FACT that I am a GOOD FRIEND whose presence matters to other people). While I am blessed with many different relationships, I find that I am painfully lacking in those day-to-day encounters. I am most aware of this when I attend our church.

I work at our church, so some might think that I feel very connected to others there. While I definitely have a connection with co-workers (and their spouses), it is not the same thing that I am referring to. Again, I value those relationships, but what I am talking about is different. I am talking about those constant contact type relationships. The ones where you text each other random things and the recipient gets it, immediately. The type where you have standing ‘dates’ to go for a walk, or hit the thrift store on the weekly opening day looking for nothing in particular, but instead just hanging out and spending time. The kind where you just have the understanding that if you don’t have special plans on Friday night you will be at the other’s house. The kind of relationship where you go with each other to try on swim suits, laughing and disgusted at the same time (gosh I miss you Anna on this one! Hahaha!). The kind of relationship where when your spouse is annoying you, you know you can call them and they will listen and understand exactly what you mean. The kind of relationship where when you have a special project to do, you can be guaranteed that they will show up to help.

This desire of relationship has nothing to do with (nor am I intending to diminish the importance of) the wonderful relationships that I have with others, many of whom live outside a 5 mile radius. NOT.AT.ALL. I value each of you immensely. What I find myself physically hurting for is the day in/day out type of thing. I feel the absence of this the most when I attend our church.

This past Sunday morning, I found myself absolutely dreading going, it was pathetic. The reason I didn’t want to go is because I don’t know what to do with myself before and after the service. Dean is currently serving as an Elder, so he is required to go downstairs to the council room before service. (We call it the ‘Secret Society Men’s Meeting’, but that is material for another blog entry). We arrive early, he leaves me at the door and I am stuck in the foyer hoping for someone to talk with and make a meaningful connection. I.HATE.IT. I stand there and often no one stops to talk to me. We have had a lot of turmoil and drama at church the last year+ and so I actually have a group of people that refuse to even speak to me (I think it is because I work in the office and they have some issues they need to resolve–so since I work in the office, I am taboo for them). Some of these people USED to talk with me, but now they do anything they can to avoid me. I know it isn’t personal, but it feels VERY personal to me at times.

The same thing happens for me after the service. Again, Dean has to depart ahead of me so that he can greet people as they leave the sanctuary. I am left to chat with people as we empty the pews and exit the sanctuary. I get out into the sanctuary and I am not sure what to do. Everyone seems to disburse into their own clusters and groups. I have tried going and joining with others, but most of the time it is awkward and painfully obvious that they are enjoying their own intimate connection, perhaps discussing a recent activity together or planning their next one, and they have no need for me to be there. I often feel that if people didn’t have a reason to speak with me (i.e., need something from me that is related to my job), I would speak with no one.

It isn’t just Sundays. Living in a small community, I am very aware of who is doing what with whom. I know about the parties we aren't invited to.  I know about the breakfasts and lunches that people are having.  I know about the shopping excursions to Costco, or the days spent together at the lake.   I know and appreciate that people have their connections and intimate friendships with each other and I am not a part of those. That is expected and perfectly normal.  Not everyone can be involved with everyone.  I will be honest that it isn’t that I am always desirous of being in their ‘group’, it is just that I miss being a part of some ‘group’. I know that there are people that have standing breakfast dates, scrapbooking dates, thrift store dates, kid exchange dates, game nights, etc.. I am genuinely happy for those that are able to enjoy these types of relationships.  I am simply weary with feeling like the kid that gets picked last for the baseball team. To sum it up, I miss having relationships with two key factors: a) physical proximity and b) true intimacy.

When I get really defeated, I start to believe what that one person once told me, that it was unhealthy for her to be in friendship relationship with me. Was she right? Is that why I lack these types of relationships with people in my immediate vicinity? She told me to process her words with someone who would make me see the honesty in her words. I have spent a lot of time in painful self-examination as well as time processing with a dear friend.  My friend assured me that my former friend's opinion had never been her experience with me and they have known me thru a lot of highs and lows over the last 30 years. So while I know that I have a lot of faults and flaws (which my dear friend acknowledges as well! haha), I do not agree with my former friend's opinion, but her voice pops up in the back of my head WAY too often.   I hate it when I get defeated and I start to doubt myself and overlook the positives.

So lately, I can sometimes feel lonely in a crowded room. I’m still trying to figure out what to do about it. For now, I will keep reminding myself of the good things that close friends have said to me about who they know me to be. Maybe next Sunday I will interject myself into one of those ‘closed’ conversations and try to overcome the feelings that I am not wanted there. Maybe.

P.S.  I have not written this in an attempt to garner sympathy or flattery.  I am being openly honest and  merely journaling (if you will) my thoughts and feelings of the moment.

Mama's Vacation

I’m a little behind on blogging. I had good intentions of sitting down last week and catching up, but the week passed and I still didn’t get to it. I wake up in the middle of the night and have some really great ideas, but in the morning I can’t remember them. I hate that.

Last week Annika was gone all week on a service project trip to Eastern Washington. She joined with several other kids working on the Yakama Indian Reservation. Now I spent my high school years in ‘Yakima’, and I never knew until this year that the ‘Yakama’ Indian tribe is spelled differently from the adjacent city. Did you know that? ANYWAY, since she was out of town all week, I decided to take a little vacation myself. I had hoped that Dean could get away with me, but that was not to be...he had too many people that were already on vacation for him to check out. So, I planned a little ‘Mommy is away’ vacation.

I.LOVE.IT. when I get to do this. I sometimes feel guilt at spending the money, but this time I was completely guilt free. The day I left on this little break, my 1 day/week bossman gave me some extra bonus $$, so off I went, cash in tow to enjoy my time.

I got to spend the next 4 days and 3 nights with a host of people that I was anxious to catch up with. I was able to spend one on one time with several different people. I.LOVE.THIS. It was SUCH a relaxing time. I stayed at a new spot for me...the Silver Cloud Stadium Hotel. It was a little different location for me because when I stay in Seattle, I like to be right in the heart of downtown and this was slightly south (it is nostalgic for me...when I left college to start my ‘adult’ life I worked in the heart of downtown and lived on Queen Anne). The hotel had a bonus...a rooftop deck and swimming pool something that is rare in downtown hotels. From one side you could look directly onto Safeco Field where the Seattle Mariners play (no there were no games when I stayed–it would have been crazy if there were!). Then the other direction looked out onto Puget Sound. As luck would have it the sun shone when I was there and I was able to just lay out and soak up the rays. Oh and the restaurant/bar were pretty great too!

As I was there, I began to think about all women that are never able to take time for themselves, or that never take the time because they don’t feel they should. There are a variety of reasons why, economics is probably the biggest one. I know that we could have used the money for other things (bills!), but being able to take time for myself is so important for me. I know that some probably view it as selfish (be thankful you have a family, how can you not want to spend all your time with them?) Others may view it as an unnecessary luxury. I have heard from some ‘oh I can’t do that because of all my responsibilities to work and my family’. Yes, I have those same responsibilities. I have people that need me and depend on me and that is EXACTLY why I try to schedule an extended time in for myself at least twice a year. If I don’t have those times away to spend just worrying about myself, I run myself past empty and have nothing to give to anyone.

Being alone is sometimes a very uncomfortable thing, but I have learned that making myself uncomfortable is, as Martha Stewart would say, a good thing. Granted my 4 days and 3 nights were not complete solitude, but I did have many hours during that time completely to myself. I read, I slept, I shopped, I ate, I drank, all by myself. No one asked me what was for dinner. No one asked me where I was going when I put shoes on. No one asked me to help them find some obscure item that they had just put down but suddenly it had disappeared. The best part, I didn’t feel lonely during this time. Quite the contrary. This was SO strange to me because lately I have been feeling very lonely, even when surrounded by people. I’m still trying to figure that one out, but when I was physically alone, I didn’t feel lonely, I just felt relaxed. No guilt, no shame, no needing to fix anything, answer questions or explain anything, just content.

By the last day, I was ready to return home. The re-entry is always a little tricky–you are glad to see everyone, yet not quite ready to resume your day-to-day role. I am thankful for the time away. I SO enjoyed the conversations and time spent with dear family and friends as well as the time alone. The time away nourished me. I enjoyed rediscovering ME, not the taskmaster me, but ME. Because when I am able to reintroduce myself to ME, I think I am able to be a better mom & wife, friend & co-worker. Or at least that is my hope.

Pet Peeve alert

So anyone who knows me know that I love Facebook.  Or maybe it is more accurate to say that I am a frequent flyer when it comes to Facebook.  I check it (almost) every day, often a few times a day.  That being said, I have a pet peeve about Facebook.  I am sure I have been guilty of it as well, but I do work really hard to not do this.  What is the pet peeve??

My pet peeve is when people post things like:

Susie is:  having Dick and Jane and their kids over for dinner tonight. Can't wait to hang out and play games

Dick is:  excited that Susie and Bill invited Jane and I and the kids over for dinner

Lucy is:  looking forward to going to Charlie's birthday party tonight, it should be great

Linus is:  glad that he got to go to Charlie's birthday party last night, we all had a blast

Are you getting my pet peeve?  My pet peeve is when people post of specifics to events that not everyone is invited to.  I see these posts and I feel lonely.  I mean Sue and Bill have never asked us over for dinner and games. Charlie didn't invite us to his birthday party.  Linus and Lucy got to go, why didn't they ask me??

I realize I have probably been guilty of this as well.  I try to watch it, but I am sure I have messed up sometimes.  Maybe when I mess up it is because I want Susie, Dick, Lucy, Charlie and Linus to know that we don't sit at home ALL the time, sometimes people do invite us to do things.

That is it, that is all...my pet peeve of the day.  Good-bye.

The Weekend

Yay!  It is Monday!  I feel like we had a 3-day weekend, but we didn't.  Maybe it feels that way because so much happened.  Overall, when I weigh it out I would have to put it down as a good weekend.

Friday night we got to spend the evening with good friends.  We love these guys and it was nice to just have a few hours to hang, eat pizza, drink wine and talk.  Sadly we aren't able to do this enough.

Saturday Dean had to work his shift.  Can I write how much it annoys me that he has to work every 4th Saturday?  For a long time he didn't schedule himself, mainly because he was so burned out and there were plenty of people who wanted to work.  Then his boss told him that he HAD to work his turn of Saturdays.  Really??  Does it matter that much?  No one was complaining, his employees liked to get the time in because then they would often 'swap' it for other hours off during the week.  The system worked and frankly he is often extremely burned out by Friday nights.  He works a job where he has 14 people demanding his attention constantly. Seriously, every time he even attempts to close his office door, PEOPLE FREAK OUT.  They start collecting outside his glass door staring in at him as if he was a caged animal at the zoo.  While it may sound like I am exaggerating, I assure you I am not.  By the time he gets to the weekend, he needs to be able to check out of there. 

Not so this weekend.  On Friday he was given instruction to 'let go' an employee.  He was dreading this, but he knew there were sound reasons for all of this and he agreed it was well past time.  The employee had repeatedly told him that they did not want to do what he needed them to do in their daily job.  PERIOD.  So he let them go on Saturday and proverbial hell broke lose.  This employee called everyone and anyone that worked there and complained, cried, rampaged.  The BEST part of all of it was they called one of Dean's bosses, who promptly penned an e-mail to Dean questioning how he handled it.  GOOD.FRIGGIN.GRIEF.  Poor Dean.  He spent the rest of the weekend second guessing himself and feeling like he had to justify himself to someone who wasn't even there, someone who was taking the word of a disgruntled former employee (giving them an audience) over Dean's.  This is an issue that drives me nuts.  Dean is dedicated to that company as if it was his own.  He is VERY good at handling HR matters.  He understands well what you say and don't say to an employee when you have to let them go.  I also know that he had spoken repeatedly over the years with this employee about attitude, work ethic, responsibilities, etc.  MANY, MANY, MANY times.  This boss wasn't even there...how can he give an audience to a known troublemaker former employee and not stand up for Dean??  How does he come back and question how Dean handled it when he wasn't there.  Later the boss e-mailed back saying he wasn't questioning him, but the damage was done.  I read the e-mails, he WAS questioning Dean and inferring that Dean had handle it incorrectly. 

After that morning, we went to a wedding.  The young couple are very sweet and young and in love.  They were blessed to have many people there with them to share their day.  We were reminded that innocence still exists in this world.  Afterwards I had an allergy attack, so we had to leave the reception early.  That evening I spent with the kids watching 'Say Yes to the Dress'.  HILLARIOUS and disgusting at the same time.  After witnessing the wedding we had earlier in the day, I was blown away by these women that spend THOUSANDS of dollars on wedding dressses.  To hear a father tell the consultant 'oh don't worry about price tag, I will cover it all'...and then subsequently the bride choose a $12k dress...whoa.  No wonder developing nations hate us.

Later that night we ended up in the middle of more drama.  I honestly wish I could write about it, but I fear of the backlash.  Suffice it to say that Dean and I are in a very unique position in how we view certain mental health issues and the different 'what to do in case of [blank]' scenarios.  We have the experience of 7 years of therapy dealing with a child that has severe panic/anxiety disorder.  We have been coached over the years about how you do and do not handle situations.  We have sat thru more sessions about maintaining personal health and boundaries in difficult situations.  So when this situation came up on Saturday, we felt confident that we knew how it should be handled.  Proudly we stuck by our guns, but we faced anger and resentment in the process.  We know there will be more to come.  At the end of the day, we were faced with the realization that a relationship we had hoped to have and nurture and build is not possible.  You can only have an open honest and sharing relationship with individuals who are interested.  Sadly, we realized that those that we hoped to have open honesty with are either: a) not interested or b) not capable of having that.  It was again made very clear to us that some will choose to lie and cover up and deceive.  It was at the same time devastating and liberating.   Today is Monday, a new day and so we go forward.

Yesterday was a relaxing day.  We were privileged to have the opportunity to celebrate the 1 year anniversary of a new church.  You can check out http://www.thetablebellingham.org/.  Until a month ago we have been blessed to be on the leadership team for The Table.  We have enjoyed building a foundation of a new church with some other pretty amazing people.  We continue to pray that God will lead and provide clear direction for Aaron and Kate and the other leaders as they chart out the next steps for the Table.  The rest of Sunday was relaxing.  We were able to spend the evening at home (we opted to skip Bethel's--our other church--evening service).  Dean and I were actually able to sit down and have both dinner and play a game with Annika.  Whew...something new in our therapy routine for Annika is that we have to sit down 3 nights a week for a 2-3 hour block with Annika--dinner, game, movie, other activity?.  We readily admit that this direction is one we are struggling with.  Our current schedules have not allowed this and we are trying to figure out how we will be able to fulfill this obligation, but LAST NIGHT WE DID IT.  That is one night down 2 nights to go.

So, it is Monday and I am exhausted.  I can't tell yet if it is a good exhausted or a crawl in the bed and pull the covers over your head exhausted.  I wonder what this week will bring.