I’m out of sorts the past couple of weeks. We went away for our anniversary, but then we had to return home. Lately I dread returning home more and more. It isn’t that I dislike being at home. There are advantages…my own bed, bathroom and kitchen, the kids within close proximity. Instead it is returning home and having to face the reality of those situations in our lives which you have absolutely no control over. I shouldn’t say NO control, because like I always tell our kids, we can always control how we respond and react to people/situations/realities. I don’t listen to my own advice, so instead when it is time to return back home after being away I get into a big funk over facing those re.
The last year or so has been a struggle at times for me, on a variety of fronts. One of our biggest struggles has to do with our church home. We have attended the same church for almost 24 years. The last couple of years it has been a very difficult place for us to be. We loved our Pastor and his wife very much, but not everyone in the church felt the same way as we did. Many, many people didn’t like them. AT.ALL. Many people blamed them for all of the problems (or at least most of them) in the church. While I don’t want to debate this here, let’s just say that no one person (or 2) can be responsible for ALL the problems in a church—takes a group people, it takes a group! Being close to Pastor and wife, we sometimes lose perspective a bit and lean way on their side of the invisible line. I readily acknowledge that everyone is entitled to their opinion and perspective and view, but I don’t feel as though people behaved very Christlike at times during this period of time. I watched people walk into a room and completely ignore that he was even in the room, even when he would speak to them. I heard things said about them behind their backs. I read anonymous notes filled with bitterness and hatred that were directed towards them. I watched our dear friends weep over the pain that they felt and the hurt and confusion over why they were being treated with such open contempt. I fully acknowledge that our dear Pastor and wife were not innocents in all of this. No, they are stubborn and outspoken and feisty, BUT I honestly do not feel that they did anything to the degree of severity that warranted the way they were treated by some of the members of our congregation. We were vocal in our support of Pastor and wife. We tried to express to anyone who asked that we loved them even though they were flawed just like the rest of us. However, with our expressions of support came a wall. A wall that was put up by some who didn’t share our view and who, I believe, were uncomfortable by our differing perspective and view. The result, we soon felt as though we were strangers in what had been a vital part of our lives. To this day we keep hearing those in leadership roles stating ‘well you don’t know the whole story’ when people express their concern over how Pastor and wife were treated. What is that? What does that mean? Every time I hear this I am saddened. I feel that statement does nothing to build up the church, instead I feel that statement only makes people question and conjure up what horrible things Pastor and his wife may have done. Instead of saying ‘you don’t know the whole story’, why can they not say ‘I thank you and appreciate your perspective, we are all going to have a different perspective on the situation.’
We would stay away for a couple of weeks and encourage each other with reassurances of all the good people that were at church and how it was our home and we needed to plow through our own insecurities and focus only on the positives. We would return to worship, determined that we were going to dismiss any negative feelings. Then we would walk in the door and it would hit us. We felt like strangers. No one would instigate conversation with us, or seem happy to see us. One Sunday (after we had been gone for 3 weeks) I had someone stop me to pick my brain about a committee I used to chair and what did and did not fall under the umbrella of that committee. As I explained the committee’s mandate, the person clearly did not like what I was sharing and started to argue with me about the mandate. Nevermind that I have known this person for years, nevermind that she didn’t make any attempt to speak to me as a friend, nope she was just bent and laid into me. I didn’t write the mandate, if you don’t want to know the darn history of the committee and its functions then don’t ask me, do whatever you want! That morning I left feeling very warm and fuzzy for sure! So, what to do? Our church home of 24+ years wasn’t feeling very homey. We weren’t being fed, worse yet, we didn’t feel as though we could truly worship there. So we made a decision and we decided to try to find a new ‘home’.
It hasn’t been easy. It feels awkward and unfamiliar. To walk into a new church and be the new ones. To not know the ‘behind the scenes’ stuff is refreshing and difficult at the same time. We tried one place for a little while but that didn’t quite fit. So, we decided to go where Annika has been involved in youth group. The first time we were there I ended up telling the Pastor that we were finding ourselves in a very strange and awkward place, after 24 years we were looking for a new church home. That man didn’t miss a beat…he looked at us and said, well you need to pray about it and discern where God wants you. If he wants you to be here with us, then we welcome you with open arms. If He doesn’t want you here, then we don’t want you here either just because your daughter is attending youth group. In the meantime, he told us, while you don’t have your own Pastor I am here for you as your Pastor, anytime. With those words we knew, that was where He wanted us to be for now. It doesn’t mean we will be there forever, but for now, we feel it is where we need to be together with Annika. We only have a couple of years left with her under our roof full time, so we want to be attending somewhere together, the 3 of us. She feels very comfortable there and that is something she has missed for a long time. At Bethel she felt like a bit of an outsider because she attended public school and the other girls were at the Christian school. Some of those girls have said some not so nice things about the public school and that was always a very sensitive subject for Annika. Anyway, for now this is what we need to do, but we still miss our former church home. We still wish that we could be there and feel as though we belonged. Since we quit attending we have only had 2 people tell us that they missed us being there, two. While I am thankful for those 2, I am saddened and a little surprised that no one else has noticed we are gone. It is a big of an ego blow, but I can get over that.
And that is just one of the realities of our lives that has been beyond my control and difficult to absorb lately. That feeling lost and without a home has been harder than we care to admit.
to be continued…
