I am the parent of a college graduate—how did THAT happen?

Two weeks ago this Friday, we headed to Seattle to celebrate Seattle Pacific University’s 2012 spring graduation.  What was different about this year’s graduation is that our oldest, Joshua, was graduating with his Bachelor of Arts degree in Cultural Studies/Linguistics.   In the weeks and days leading up to this weekend of event, we didn’t have a lot of time to process what exactly Joshua’s graduation meant to us as a family.  We had not taken time to process the impact of this event on us as parents.  At some point during that celebratory weekend though, it hit both Dean and I.  Our parenting days to Joshua were finished, he was now officially an adult.   You go through this a little bit when your kid graduates from high school, but college graduation takes it the last final step.  With college graduation comes the severing of those last financial ties.  No more completing the FAFSA for Joshua’s college funding eligibility--if he wants to go further in school, that will be up to him, our days of negotiating a college financial package on his behalf  are finished.  Time to switch his auto insurance into his and his name only.  Same with the cell phone.  My name can come off of his bank account and the list goes on.  Even more so than that, our days of dispensing unsolicited advice on his life  now switch to dispensing only solicited advice on his life.  Ok, well that one may be a little hard for me, but I have been impressed with how well I am doing in this area—I’m pretty good until it comes to keeping my mouth shut about the length of his hair, or his wardrobe choices (I’m sorry he has SO many nice clothes in his closet, does he HAVE to be so fond of his beat up Old Navy cargo shorts and t-shirts?)  Then of course, there is the BIG MOVE.  He has been coming and going from our home for 22 years, but in 2 months he will make the final move from calling our home his permanent primary residence to designating his OWN address as his permanent primary residence.   I’m ready for all of these things as a parent, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t feel a little strange sometimes.  I know that my job as his Mother was to raise him to be confident and ready for these transitions.   Watching him the past two weeks since graduation, I feel secure in my job being done.  I might even go so far as to say that Dean and I have completed a “job well done”.  Our son is a happy, confident (yet not cocky), empathetic, insightful young man who is ready to make decisions and live with the consequences whatever those may be.   Dean and I never quit marveling to each other at how much more confident Joshua is in WHO he is than we were at his age.  We may not always agree with each of his decisions or choices, but he owns every one of them and so we find it much easier to  step back and make room for Joshua to continue to forge his own path.

Before I post pictures from graduation weekend (sorry folks some of these were posted on Facebook already), I will address the burning question that we have been asked a lot:  ‘so what is Joshua planning to do after her graduates?’.   Joshua’s plan is pretty simple.  He is currently looking for a job that will pay his bills for the next 12-14 months.  This process has included applications to such grand establishments as Ross and Target.  He has also started the process to volunteer with the local Literacy Council where he plans to work with tutoring adults whose primary language is not English.  On September 1, he will marry his girlfriend of many years, Evy.  After they are married, they plan to live in Bellingham until Evy graduates from Western Washington University next June.  If all goes as they hope, in 12-14 months they will leave our area for parts unknown to serve in the Peace Corps.  After that, only time will tell.

Starting off the events…off to the traditional ivy cutting ceremony.  

Procession--what did I tell you about the hair?  It looked like a lion’s mane.

Yeah!!  He found us in the crowd..something hilarious about watching all these young adults trying desperately to find their loved ones in the crowd before they sat down.

Graduation organizers estimated there was over 13,000 people at Key Arena that day to celebrate!

SO mad I got this so blurry…I failed!  He was just on his way to cross the stage and receive his empty diploma folder.  The other pictures of his receiving his diploma are even worse.  Darn.

I love this next series of pictures…they all enjoy each other so much:

James and Kirsten didn’t mean to match..it just sort of happened.

Big brothers are so annoying….

Seven

A lot has been going on lately.  Most of it is just the day-in, day-out life kind of stuff.  There are of course the big things that will mark our year, Joshua’s graduation, Kirsten’s transfer to Western Washington University, Joshua and Evy’s marriage.  But right now I am going to concentrate on one of those big things that has recently happened  in our lives.  One of those things that we don’t send out announcements for, or invitations to. 

This spring, we quietly marked the seven year mark of beginning mental health therapy with  Annika.  With that anniversary, we were greeted with amazing news at one of our more recent ‘Therapy Thursday’ sessions.  We were told that there was no need to continue with weekly, or even bi-weekly therapy.  Annika (and us) had nothing further to work on!  We spent the entire weekend celebrating!  It is hard to believe that seven years ago we started Annika on her first (in a long line) medication routine and we started seeing her first therapist.  It is hard sometimes to wrap our minds around that we have been on this journey with Annika for seven years. To put that seven years into perspective, I have posted pictures of Annika seven years ago and how she looks now:

Annika at the beginning of the journey.

 

 

Annika last fall

I.KNOW.IT!  Pretty bizarre when you look at these two pictures and realize the amount of time that has lapsed.   We won’t candy-coat it, it has been a very long and exhausting journey.  BUT, it has also been a very rewarding journey.

During the last seven years, we have ‘counseled’ with 2 counselors, 2 psychologists, and 2 psychiatrists, PLUS the entire inpatient psychiatric team at Seattle’s Children’s Hospital, PLUS that several month detour into what is referred to as ‘residential treatment’.   When I say ‘counseled with’ that simply means we have paid thousands of dollars (between our miniscule insurance coverage and our always open checkbook) for the privilege of having others evaluate every aspect of our lives and dispense (sometimes) helpful hints on how we should live our lives when you have a child who requires a little extra.     If you want to know the difference between a LMHC (licensed mental health counselor), Psychologist and Psychiatrist, just ask Annika, she can tell you.  Some of these professionals have been wonderful, others not so much.  Our favorites still have to be Karen (our very first LMHC who Annika LOVED), Sharon (we call her Yoda—as in THE powerful Jedi Master—she tends to levitate in the room) and Jim (our hip, sarcastic, metrosexual shrink who doesn’t own a sweater vest or plaid flannel shirt to save his life).   

During the last seven years, we have answered many questions about Annika.  I have kept meticulous records of medications tried, failed and successful.   I have a VERY thick file of test results, therapy notes, mood journal entries, and treatment history summaries.   Her treatment/therapy has taken us to Seattle and Utah.  Mostly it has taken us to Fairhaven (South Bellingham) which for some reason is where the psychiatric community of our county LOVES to rent office space.  As for questions, the main one is usually ‘what IS her problem?’  Now, granted it is not always phrased in this way, but the bottom line, this is the question that most people want  the answer to.

As I have blogged before, Annika has extreme panic/anxiety disorder.  It is not a result of her entering that phase of her life where hormones go into overdrive, after all we first started noticing something was a little more intense when she was 8 years old.  It is not a result of some extreme trauma, although we have had people assume that she must have been abused in some fashion.  After years of treatment, we know that her panic/anxiety disorder has a strong separation anxiety component to it.  We have also learned that Annika has what appears to be a language processing disability.  Since human nature is such that we NEED to know a reason for a ‘defect’, the theory goes like this:  Annika has difficulty processing language, thus causing anxiety.  This is not the same as a diagnosed auditory processing disorder (been there, tested for that), or ADD/ADHD (been there, tested for that), or central auditory processing disorder (again been there, tested for that).   While it falls under same umbrella, it is not the same thing.  Sooo, the theory goes that Annika has difficulty processing language. This is generally not a huge issue until the child reaches their early school years.  At that point, suddenly they are unable to keep up with an understanding of what is going on around them.  They hear things in different order, or they hear partial direction.  Generally the first hint will be a child that says ‘WHAH??’ several times a day.   With Annika, she began realizing that she wasn’t keeping up with all that was going on around her.  She was aware that she was missing something, but she wasn’t sure what, and she wasn’t able to communicate that.  She is a smart girl, learned to read without difficulty, so it wasn’t something that waived a red flag.  Instead, the more that Annika felt like she was missing something (but again she didn’t know what she was missing), the more anxious she became.  The more anxious she became because of feeling ‘lost’, the more she relied on us as her parents, and more particularly me as her mother, to be near to decipher and repeat and help her navigate through life.  When she wasn’t able to be with me, the separation anxiety would kick in and begin to take over.  Soon, the overall anxiety became so intense that it led to panic attacks which took on a variety of forms, everything from hallucinations, to rage, to insomnia.  While the anxiety increased, her ability to learn and function decreased.  The need for therapy and structure and routine became pivotal.  Thus, began the journey for treatment and therapy that would help her in a way where she could reach her full potential.  Thus began the journey to find treatment and therapy that would help her to be happy and confident in who she was.

SEVEN.  7.  We reached the seven year mark.  We look back and can hardly believe the ground we have covered.  We look at what is directly in front of us,  the young woman she has become,  and we are so thankful that the persistent, energy draining work that has gone into her therapy has had such an amazing outcome.  We look ahead and we are able to hope and dream for her to continue her path to adulthood and we know that she will be successful and happy in whatever path she chooses.  The hard work, for all of us, has paid off and we know that God has uniquely formed her to be the kind, compassionate, quick-witted, sarcastic-tongued, helpful, wise young woman that she is today.  Sure, she will always have panic/anxiety disorder.  It is physiological, just like someone who has a weak back that they have to be compensate for.  BUT, the good news is that she has an awareness of that part of her life, she knows how to manage it.  

The most frequent question we receive is ‘was it worth it?’.  It took us seven years to really know the answer to that.  I think I can now respond ‘yes’ and truly mean it.

On her way out the door to school this morning.  ‘Mom, why are you taking a picture of me??’

…well (I thought) because you look happy.