We began to settle into a new ‘normal’ routine. Honestly, we thought we were thru the worst of it. Spring break that year we went to Maui to celebrate. Our condo overlooked the beach and we spent our days doing nothing but soaking up the sun. Even that was stressful at times. The lack of routine was unsettling for our daughter. Patience would wear thin. Annika would be fearful at times and want to just sit in the condo. When we were back home, we continued our weekly therapy visits and hoped for improvement.
Therapy continued during her fourth grade year. I arranged my work schedule around appointments. My day off would consist of driving her 45 minutes to her appointment, sitting in the lobby for most of the hour-long appointment, then driving 45 minutes back home. What is it about the mental health profession that thinks its ok to decorate their waiting rooms with furniture that looks like it was collected during a dumpster diving excursion? Seriously, I have sat on more stained chairs and sofas than you can imagine. I digress, back to processing.
At home, things were always up and down. Annika required a lot of time and patience. She was finally sleeping alone in her room again, but not without a lengthy bedtime routine. I have a problem with that one, I still do. I’m one of those moms that likes to kiss them goodnight and then let them settle in on their own. Even as infants, I would always put my children down in their cribs awake and let them go to sleep on their own. She would still periodically wake at night and want to be taken back to bed. My sleep pattern was disrupted for years. Only now can I finally sleep thru the night without being awake for hours on end, thanks to some helpful medication!
The problems with friends continued. drama, Drama, DRAMA all the time. My heart ached for her as she never seemed to find that certain someone to be a close friend. I don’t think she was capable of sustaining a back and forth friendship. Her need for constant reassurance would burn out anyone. She would pronounce that so-and-so was her new ‘best friend’, only to have that person never invite her over. Again, we could understand on the one hand, but it was still hurtful. The toughest times were always the birthday parties or sleep-overs. The ones where all the girls would be talking about it at school and Annika would be very aware that she was not invited. We still often felt that she was labeled by many. We would have teachers ask ‘so what IS her problem?’. We never knew how to respond. Socially she struggled, but she did seem to be emotionally maintaining better than she had in a long time.
With Annika showing marked improvement, it was during this school year, that Dean and I felt that we were being led in a new direction. We had found our passion, to serve in a mission-related field. After a lot of prayer and searching, we were led to Wycliffe Bible Translators. Wycliffe had/has a huge need for support staff with our administrative backgrounds. We started the application process and put our house on the market. Annika’s mental health providers recommended that living in a third world country, with a slower pace might be very beneficial to her. The application process took several months. The day that we finally received our acceptance letter, was the very day that we received an offer on our home of 13 years. That was the longest I had ever lived in one place! We had to vacate and close within two weeks. It was a whirlwind experience, but we were excited to begin planning to go on the mission field.
Then, the bottom fell out. Wycliffe came back to us and said that they would not mobilize us to a foreign assignment because of Annika’s health issues. At the time, Annika required regular blood testing, something that was nearly impossible to do accurately in a foreign setting. While we had been up front from the very beginning of the application process about her needs, no one was really listening. We were cc’d on a series of e-mails between stateside administrators and those on the ground in potential sites for us. It was demoralizing to read e-mails from people stating that while they needed people with our experience, they felt it would be too arduous to accommodate Annika’s needs. Maybe we could put our plans on hold for a year? The answer was no. If we didn’t take a step forward, we had to resign.
At this point, we were living in a rented condominium. We moved forward with building a new house. Annika started 5th grade. I continued to work part-time. Annika began to slowly spiral downward. By the middle of the school year, her mental health provider again had a discussion with us. She was concerned that Annika needed a slower pace. How could we do that? We had two teenagers in the house (one preparing to go to college in the fall), we were building a new house, we had several committee and volunteer commitments, not to mention that I was trying to work a full-time job in part-time hours so that I could be home one day a week for her therapy. The suggestion was made that we look at home schooling.
We didn’t know what to do. How could we even afford to do this? My income made up about 40% of our total income. We were building a new house, albeit a house half the size of our previous one, but we had rent and construction loan payments, not to mention private school tuition for our other two in high school. Another difficult decision was made and I gave notice at my job that I would only be able to work 1 day a week. I needed to home school Annika.
I have to say that I have always been dead set against home schooling for my children. I was much happier working and writing out a check to cover their tuition. That worked for me and frankly my 2 older children preferred it that way. The idea of giving up my work position that I had taken years to build caused me grief, serious grief. There was no choice, our youngest was suffering and something needed to be done.
As luck would have it, someone I had met a few years before (when she had temporarily filled in at our office) had just moved back into our county. She was looking for temporary work. We were able to immediately hire her. This was a relief for me because our office is an odd place, full of Q-U-I-R-K-Y individuals that require a lot of patience. I knew she had the humor that was needed to survive. I knew she was smart, and I knew I could work with her. Our Pastor’s wife and friend, offered to home school Annika one day a week so that I could go to the office and continue my administrative duties. Again, we fell into yet another ‘new’ routine.
This started a miserable period of time for me. We were in the middle of building our new home, something I had always dreamed about doing. I L-O-V-E to plan and decorate. I love to spend hours looking for the items necessary to incorporate the look that looks expensive, but isn’t. Unfortunately, due to the change in circumstances, loss of income, and loss of doing a job that I had enjoyed and that filled me intellectually, and loss of control of my own daily schedule, I was wretchedly unhappy. I was racked with guilt that I wasn’t enjoying the extra time at home with my children. I still remember someone telling me that she was happy to see that I would do the ‘right thing’ with regard to being home with my children when they needed it. Couldn’t they see that by me working, I was providing for my children and my family? I was nurturing myself which in turn benefitted my children? Benefitted my husband? Again, that dark feeling of others judging me and our situation reared its ugly head. Were there people out there that thought I was to blame for Annika’s illness? Were there people that thought and said, ‘oh if she wasn’t working her daughter would be fine’?? Again that feeling of being on the outside looking in grew inside of me.
to be cont.
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